Oh God please help

At 2 this morning I woke, full bladder. Again at 3. This time I couldnt wee, or rather I could but it was a struggle. I got more and more worked up until I had a panic attack. Sat rocking back and forth on the chair crying out to God for mercy and then just crying. I couldn't stop shaking, that weird obsessive shaking of the limbs thats half controlled half automatic. It turned into another dark night of the soul. I eventually crashed on the sofa.

Then, at ten I set out on my intrepid adventure to Dover. Ok that should be a routine kind of journey, but for me in this state it was tough. I nearly freaked though when I saw an accident on the motorway - a people carrier on its side, fire engines and police everywhre- it affected me a lot.

But I am so glad I went. Pete and his wife made me so welcome and, after a walk I had stopped shaking and was starting to be my normal self. They have both been where I am with abusive or unfaithful partners and are now happily married to each other. That gave me some hope. We walked the white cliffs of Dover to South Forland Lighthouse and back. I was VERY wobbly walking along the cliffs - kept thinking about how high it was and my comments about staying away from cliff edges a few weeks back. But the company was good and I felt at ease.

A spooky weird thing happened - at least I read it as spooky. On the way through Dover at 11.30 I noticed an old church. Don't know why I particularly noticed it but I did. Got to Petes, and at 12 his wife rushed in and said the church was burning. The whole of Dover was closed and the building was gutted. It was deconsecrated and converted into flats but it was so sad to see a beautiful old church building burn. Again I was deeply affected. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/7008265.stm

Well it's late and I am exhausted so I will stop there. More tomorrow my dears.
Alice

Up and Down

After a good day on wednesday yesterday was more of a struggle. My head felt steadily heavier as the day progressed. I went to see the doctor and struggled to rememeber everything I wanted to ask him. He was cross that the mental health team have not even contacted him following my visit there and he is trying to get me some more counselling. That might help a bit, but only getting rid of that damn woman I'm supposedly married to will really help.

Last night something weird happened. The eldest didn't come back from college, I don't know where he went. At 10.30 the doorbell rang and she answered it. I heard voices and I swear I heard her say "oh you are bleeding". I assumed it was the eldest but it wasn't. It was some of his mates. She wouldn't tell me what it was about and instead I got a whole tirade about how the divorce is just being "put into paperwork now" and that I would feel it in the pocket. It's nearly 6 months since she started saying that. I was so angry and had to bottle it up, which did nothing for my mental state. The whole game is to try to make me mad enough to hit her - but I don't do that sort of thing so it won't happen.

Today being friday was half day at work. I felt a bit ragged at work but muddled through (don't think I did much). Came home and loafed about. I had intended to work on some cover art for my CD but I ran out of steam and just sat around, then had a hot bath. Collected the youngest from school and went to town to buy him some stationary for his art homework. I thought I would be alright. The distraction of having him there, laughing and joking should have been enough. But the panic set in, everything got loud and echoey and I stepped out of myself - that weird disconnection thing - to the point when I felt like I didn't exist. I just HAD to get out of there. And I think I am going to drive to Dover tomorrow, I'm worried about that but I really want to see my friends so I will try.

Tonight is music practice, at least this week I ate something before taking a happy pill so I hopefully won't be as far out of it as I was last week.

A

A better day

Not that I understand why, you see it was a very similar day to yesterday in many respects. Same stuff at work, that sort of thing. But I didn't have the same weepy feeling shortly after getting up and I managed to at least be distracted enough by work to not think about things. I didn't even get panicky in Tescos at lunchtime. So that was all good - if a little weird for that odd part of me that doesn't seem to want to get better (go figure).

I had a call from a friend this afternoon and told him the story, so now I am going to visit him on Saturday which will be nice, the weekends have been very empty lately so it will be good. The only thing bothering me is he lives 90 miles away and ten days ago a 5 mile drive was stressful, still I shall play things by ear.

Now the other issue in my life - this flipping prostate, took a turn today. It has been painful though less so than yesterday which is good. However it seems that when I visited the doc a few weeks back in the terrible state I was in she DID make a hospital appointment for me. So I go on November 8th for that. I see my GP tomorrow to talk over the depression issues, I need to find out what I can do about pain relief whilst on these happy pills because the prostate can be unbearable at its peak.

Now tonight's issue is that the eldest got his bank statement. Further into the red because another direct debit bounced. They are making a £70 charge for every bounced direct debit so his little £30 deposit to try to start paying it off had no real effect. As a result the woman is screaming at him again, which is driving me nuts - that horrble squaking, condescending voice nagging incessantly on and on saying the same things is enough to send me back crazy so I might sneak out later, just for a walk.

All for now

Alice

xx

I missed a day...

... because I seem to be saying more or less the same thing. I go to work. get depressed, at times desperate.

Yesterday I got very desperate at work. it was hard to hide it, in fact I nearly came home. I am sure it was triggered in part by hunger, I had to go for a cholesterol test which meant I had to fast. For some reason that seems to make it a lot worse. I got a day off from prostate pain though but that was about all. I keep fantasising about ending it. But then I fear dying so it stays a fantasy.

At home in the evening sill more desperation and I cut myself again. This time it didn't really help and I felt more wretched. She asked me what the matter was and I nearly fell for it, but luckily remembered that last time I confided in her she yelled it all at the kids. So she is untrustworthy.

I didn't sleep so well, vivid dreams and I woke up in the night (which is becoming a habit) 2 hours after getting off to sleep. Had trouble getting back to sleep of course.

Today the prostate has been agony. I think it is swelling because I am having trouble weeing. Seeing the doc on thursday so guess I will get referred on somewhere. Ugh. If that happens my options are limited. An operation. Not good. So todayI have been battling depression and pain. The pain being so intense makes me think even more about ending it.

Tonight though I will go to my church meeting. J will be there and I rememeber how upset she was about the overdose. I don't want to hurt her so I guess I won't do anything bad.

Love
Ally

Sunday routine

Today was a normal sunday for me. Played for the kids at church which was fun, though I felt a little twitchy I was at least able to function. And I did wear a short sleaved shirt, the scars have healed well so I got away with it, I don't think anyone looked that closely. I got the chance to apologise to some people for being a bit weird on Friday.

Boredom caused me to go for my normal walk (route march?) around the lakes. It was real power walking and I tired myself out. But I also spent the time in self analysis and also in a strange mental role play game that I have, where I imagine a friend in trouble and then become the superhero who saves the day. It's a game I play often in my head and I don't understand why. Today's story was about a friend (I won't name her) who has psychotic episodes. I imagined being there for her in one of these episodes and being the only one who can help. I have never really understood why I do this and I normally don't realise I am doing it for quite a while. I spend a lot of time having conversations with an imaginery person in my head. Sometimes it's Katie, somtimes J, sometimes it's no one.

I got home, had a hot bath (pain relief) and spent more time in self analysis. Another pattern then repeated. I yawned. Then I got tearful, sobbed a bit but wished I could howl properly.

This evening we had a lovely service for (or rather by) a temporary member of our church who is returning to New Zealand. She was fantastic and inspiring. I wish I was like her. Still I played my music and people thanked me for it. Then I sloped off quietly in to the night having said my goodbyes to her.

I got home and suddenly (after calling me a weirdo) my wife asked me to grammer check her essay. (the thing is, after reading this crap would you have me grammer check anything?) So she was friendly. She stopped hating me just long enough to get something from me. Then naffed off back upstairs.

Now I am desperately tired again. And I can't eat because of tomorrow's cholesterol test so I think I will go to bed early. Of course she has set up shop in the bedroom again so I don't think that will happen.

All for now

A

Parallel Lives.....

... well almost. I had a call from my friend today. He is seperating from his wife and he was very down. Constant arguements about money, she wants him out and he can't wait to go. Sounds familiar huh? He's my dearest friend and there was little I could say ,we just shared each others experiences aand at least took comfort that we are not alone. I say almost because he is straight so at least he doesn't have a double life to hide as well.

Apart from that today was as desolate as every other. I was bored o r to be more precise, demotivated. Eventually I managed to muster enough energy to walk to the local shops wearing a short sleaved tee shirt for the first time in ages. The scars are fading now so I thought I would risk it. Of course I bumped into several people from churchand I watched myself have aparently lucid conversations with them.

Eldest son was at work, wife was in and out doing heaven knows what (she reminded me that she hated me this morning - in case I have forgotten). Youngest son was stuck to his computer playing games andcould not be prised off. I sat around for ages doing nothing, staring at walls. getting lower and lower. At least P is doing something about his situation. I am just sitting here watching the world pass by and I hate myself for that.

I walked into town. It was warm. I should have been happy at that but I wasn't. The pain doesn't help either, that has been bad today. Then I walked around town, wondered why I was there, looked in a few shops, still didn't buy anything. The mall played it's usual trick a crescendo of echoey people. I watched myself walk around. Looked down over the balconys. It was a long way down, a very long way. Some years back someone jumped there, fell to his death. Landed on a kids lego display. But I couldn't, not jump. It's too violent. And too messy.

So I walked back again. Getting lower. I got back. Did nothing for a while (again) then had a hot bath (releaves the pain for a while). I sat in the bath and I sobbed, don't know why, I just did.
Then the usual tension around dinner time. I had to go out to practice music for the church again (I am playing for the children tomorrow - remember the long sleeves!). So the tension was about the fact that they never leave me food.

I practiced the piano with the vicar on guitar, put a brave face on, didn't want to let it out today. Then got home back to miserable land. Sat and watched some TV - still in pain. I felt inspired to write some music. It's in my head. It's simple AND I CAN'T PLAY IT. I am SO frustrated and angry, this happened last time with happy pills, don't say I am losing it again, not my music.

So now I am tired. I'd like to sleep. But she will make it difficult. Best to wait until she has slept.
What a wretched existence. What's the point?

Friday.....

.. these days brings dread. A weekend. At home. It is daunting. How will I fill the time?

Today started out ok but went a bit downhill. I did ok this morning at work but went into town at 12. It happened AGAIN my head felt heavy I got very very confused and felt outside of myself. I struggled to do the simplest thing, buy a sympathy card for my mum's neighbour who lost his wife a few days back. Then I thought that I would face up to it and try to walk around the mall for a bit. Just as before everything got louder, blurred and echoey. Now I am worried. If this happens each time it will reinforce the feeling and turn it into a phobia. If I avoid going, well it becomes something I don't do because I am scared - ie a phobia. Neat huh? How do I work around that.

I still have a lot of pain which seems to get worse if I sit. If only I could take painkillers.

Now I have a challenge, which is not to cut all weekend. I put off my blood test till monday - and I want my arm to be nicely healed again. It's the latest I can have it cos I see the doc on thursday to have my head examined.

All for now
Auntie A

Pain!

Yesterday was characterised by extreme pain caused by the prostate. It reached an unbearable level and I can't take pain killers because of the happy pills. I had a struggle getting to sleep.

There was also a major row with the wife and stepson. She (who has this written down explicitly) denied he had two phone contracts - despite the fact he has two numbers two direct debit etc. She refused to understand what I was saying on purpose. She has overridden me and said he can go back to college, which means he won't be able to pay back his debts. Then she washed her hands of the problem and dumped it back on me.

I had a slightly better day at work though, although I still had some panic and depression it was a bit better, plus I achieved some stuff which puts me back on schedule which helped.

In the evening (after the row) I did some more work on 'Out of Body' and have made a test pressing of the whole album, I am lgoing to listen on the way to work today.

More later
Ally

Selfish person.....

.. that's me. I still have a picture of J with tears welling up in her eyes when told her about the valium. I texted her this morning and apologised. She wrote me a sweet kind text back saying how she was worrying about me, how she cared and how she wished wasn;t on the happy pills. She thanked me for being her friend. I nearly cried right there in the office. But I still know I am selfish, I have this vortex around me that messes me up but also hurts anyone who gets near.
Thing is today I did feel a bit better apart from lunch time when a visit to Tescos brought on another mild panic attack). When I say better I mean mentally better. Physically I am in agony. The prostate is really really hurting and I can't take any painkillers. I'll have a hot bath in a bit , that sometimes helps.

So today I resumed my walking round the lake regime. Earlier today because the nights are drawing in. Less people about too. I sat for 1/2 hour just thinking. Then went back to the car and cut. Not the worst I have done, yet it sent me off my head. I feel physically sick and mentally - well it's hard to explain - desolate? exhausted? alone?

How does this end?

I did a terrible terrible thing....

... I told J about the overdose. I have upset her. I wish I could take those words back, the poor girl was nearly in tears. She has been so kind to me but I shouldn't have told her that. Now she will lay awake and worry the way I do about other people when I know they are hurting. So the hurt goes around in circles.

So once again it's about me me me. I am angry with myself for being so insensitive.

And it's a shame because this evening went well, I feel a fraud actually because I was happy and joking with everyone, like none of this has happened. Then, we chatted afterwards and she weedled it out of me and I told her.

Please God forgive me for the hurt I have caused.

I'm still alive (yet again)

After yesterday's crisis I had a better day at work. At least I got stuff done cos I could think a bit clearer - in fact I worked at a manic pace. There is a lot of pressure and it will be worse tomorrow because the boss gets back from holiday.

Tonight i have a church house group social which I don't really feel like. But I am going because J will be there and she has nagged me to go. I feel safe around her so...

But I still feel a bit panicky, a bit paranoid. But the pressure is lower in my head than yesterday.
Apart from that I have a nasty pain which may be the prostate again. Such a shame, it has not grumbled for a while which has been nice/


More later
Ally

Another Crisis Day PS

Shortly after posting the last entry I collapse on the bed in a sort of sleepy haze which lasted 2 hours. Went downstairs found my cold congealed dinner (ugh) but ate it anyway. Sat down in front of the telly, head still pounding and bursting. She made some snide comment to the kids about how pathetic depression is - it was in response to something on TV but directed at me nonetheless.

The pressure inside built up until I felt I was going to explode. I really felt this time I could take my life. I left the house with pen and paper to write the note and a razor blade to slash my wrists. Drove around for a bit going ever more crazy in my head. After driving miles ended up parked just a few minutes from home. Someone parked up nearby so I picked up my mobile so it would look like I had stopped to take a call (like anyone cared anyway). My son's picture is the screensaver on my phone, I saw him smiling back at me. I couldn't do it. Not take my life. Probably couldn't have anyway actually but not after that. But I did cut myself badly again, very badly. It seems to ease the pressure, like the demons in my head are only appeased by blood. Now I have that weird tiredness again, and she has set up shop in the bedroom doing her work which means I can't go to bed.

Please don't worry about me, tomorrow I will seek help again

Another crisis day

In my head that is. I don't know how I got through today at work. It took me the whole day to do what should have taken an hour. I have such pressure in my head, I am so panicky and so very very tired. I spent the day mainly with my head in my hands or watching myself from outside myself. I don't know if I can bear anymore. I'd have gone home sick but what would I have said to people. I want to cut so badly but mustn't, I have to have a blood test this week and if I turn up with a slashed arm questions will be asked. As it is it looks as though I have permenant scars.

I am really worried about whether I can continue to do my job. I have such ridiculous deadlines and I am under a lot of pressure but I am only able to run at about one tenth speed. If I can think of an excuse I will take tomorrow off. But it is so hard. There are sick forms to complete and don't want this on my employment record. But I am scared will freak out badly at work.

I am sure some of this is the happy pills now, i seemed to ge worse once I started taking them.

Sunday Night....

... and SO tired.

I had an invite to go and see my good friend Andy and his family today. They don't know that much about my double life - I can't face telling them all that. But they know I am being treated for depression and they kindly offered to go for a walk in the countryside with them. They are 5 miles away, the longest I have driven since on the happy pills, it was far enough! I was quite panicky. But it was nice to see them and we had a very good walk through woods and around lakes, it was nice to talk about something other than me me me (I realised today just how self centred I am). But as we walked round I felt the panic setting in again and a kind of wobbly feeling. Odd. We walked for a good hour and a half which was exercise I needed, fed the ducks and watched their children climb trees and scrape knees and do all the usual things.

When you are in a bad place like this you learn to value these short times of pleasure and peace, even though i didn't feel totally at peace inside.

I left them at 7 and came home feeling very weird despite the good day. (I just have to remember how much worse I would have felt if I had stayed in). Having eaten I took my happy pill, sat down to watch TV and had a real sense there was something in my head. Demons, up to no good. Paranoia? Maybe. I had my head in my hands, scratched at my skin with my nails (no blade handy) and tried to wrestle with whatever it was. Weird. I gave up watching TV and got on with some music, I have mixed down some masters of a number of tracks now. I was actually very productive, but the music is emotionally intense and I feel drained now.

So I find I have a dilemma. I am in great emotional and spiritual pain. Very confused, panicky and paranoid, yet somehow I seem to produce my best music in this state. Like my very soul has to be tortured before music can be made. Or is it that I make the music as a way of trying to describe to the world what I am feeling and perhaps somehow let what ever it is out of me.

I know I know, I am not making sense am I. But there is no sense to this at all. If any part of my body hurts I know where the hurt is but when the spirit hurts, the soul, the mind, the very things I assess and relate to the world with cease to function correctly who knows what sense is anymore. Who knows what is rational? The very things I use to assess the pain are in pain which is a paradox I can't unravel.

Sorry for being so baffling
Alice

Sunday morning

I had a bit of a rotten night. At about 3 I was woken (as is usual at the weekend) by drunks staggering and yelling on their way home. Then I realised I had toothache, or to be more precise an infected gum. Agony. But I can't take pain killers because of the happy pills so I had to put up with it. Drifted off to sleep just to be woken by the alarm. Went back to sleep. Woke up late for church, eldest boy leapt into the shower in front of me. Typical. I was very stressed and panicky, but the confidence thing meant I said nothing. So I rushed to church with my keyboard and got there in a terrible state, shaking and panicky but did my best to hide it.

Church actually went well once I got the swing of it although it was a long service. I played The Temptress and Will I Die Today in communion as a medley and was complimented on them. They are beautiful pieces if I say so myself but they have dark origans. Still I am holding on to what Sue said about God being with us even in the dark places, which is why it felt ok to play those pieces in church.

Had a long chat with J after the service, told her about my surreal birthday and my panic attack yesterday. She identified with that because she gets panic attacks too. We also talked about Katie and her latest beau and I pretended not to feel anything about that. But of course I do feel sort of odd about it all. Still although my heart is still playing up over that one at least my head knows what is right and is trying to stick to it.

The other news is I didn't cut myself yesterday which means for the first time in ages I am now wearing a T shirt which is nice. You can still see the scars if you look close but who cares.

A

Apathy and Anxiety

Apathy was definitely today's word. No attention span or will to do anything even though I did try.

First thing I did muster the enthusiasm to get a haircut and I got the barber who makes conversation - and I wasn't feeling chatty. Still it was over quickly. then I paid in a cheque - still ok at that point. Then I decided to go and buy some clothes - and that's when it happened. You know how it is on a TV play or movie when someone is going through some breakdown or other and they illustrate it using effects making everything go blurry echoy and distant. Well it was just like that as soon as I got into the mall. It all sounded too confusing, everything was a blur and I kept crashing into people. Ugh. So I went home. I tried to record some music. Couldn't concentrate that well but then the wife came back with her friend, a patronising woman who I strongly dislike. So I hid upstairs. When she went I came out, tried again to play my music but couldn't concentrate. Nothing on TV. Paced around the house and lay down for a bit.

Then I decided I would go back to town, walking this time, to buy those clothes. I was fine whilst walking then bang, as soon as I got into the mall the same again. PANIC! Wandered around, looked at a few things, got more and more panicky and came home in a terrible state. Got home and my neighbour engaged me in conversation, I watched myself have a totally lucid conversation with her. But it was weird - just like I was watching.

Now I am just sitting doing nothing, I feel like cutting again.......

A

Even keel?

That's what my vicar said I was on today. I suppose I am a bit better. I haven't cut for three days now (though I really want to) and I am cheerful at times - it sometimes seems that I am cheerful when I shouldn't be and vice versa.

I went to my church music practice today and was alright once I was there - although I got panicky before hand once again. I even went over to the vicarage with the others for a few glasses (in my case of orange juice).

So I guess the happy pills are helping a bit. They do however have other effects. I have no sexual function whatsoever now. Nothing works. But then again I have had no prostate pain either and I wonder if there is a relationship between these facts. Even so that is getting to me a lot.

I am very tired though. All this stuff with our eldest has meant I have not been sleeping again. This afternoon I flaked out for an hour on the sofa which was bliss.

So now it is 11.30 uk time and I am home. Her niece is here. Usually we get on but there is a strange atmosphere. I mean even for here there is a strange atmosphere! She doesn't seem to want to talk to me which is odd.

Now I know this is a disjointed update but one other thing happened yesterday which I should tell you. Katie joined my friend list on Facebook. Yes really. But she is seeing someone else, it is serious and there are pictures of them together so it's a bit heartbreaking. I was so pleased initially to hear from her but then I felt hurt again. I think I should have just ignored her but it's done now.

Thats all for now
Hugs & kisses
Alice

Happy Birthday to Me

The printed word cannot convey the irony of that statement. 46 Years on this planet. They are just flying by.

So how was it? Well I woke up early. A pattern I am starting to recognise, I was up for a few minutes, had a shower and a cry. Then I left the house at 7, before anyone was up, went to Tescos and bought doughnuts for the office. Just as yesterday I held it together in the morning, I was again slightly TOO cheerful. My colleague Mike knows what is happening and he commented on this. Once again in the afternoon I fell apart and was home by 4.30.

My younger son was waiting for me with a nice birthday card and a box of chocs bless him. He also had a card from the wife ?!? I do NOT understand why she did that. But I was able to smile for the boy and thanked him like I meant it (which I did).

I am very distant and moody and withdrawn from what little life there is here. So I didn't spot what happened after dinner. She then came in with a birthday cake singing happy birthday?!? I am now totally baffled and my head is in my hands. I invited my youngest to join us and he just screamed at his mother how much he hated her. I have NEVER heard him so angry at her. Clearly while I had been downstairs she had had a go at him probably out of anger about his brother's behaviour which is quite unfair. He had done his homework and was playing a computer game, as with any activity he seems to like she has banned it.

Then the eldest came in. He seems as depressed as me. No card from him or even a happy birthday. Oh well.

Oh and I spoke to my mum who is worried about me, but I held out on the worst details and tried to sound cheerful.

I also spoke to my uncle and told him a little more than I could tell mum. We chatted for 45 minutes and I felt better for it.

Finally after spending more time with my head in my hands I got on with some recording. The track 'Out of Body' is a soundscape which tries to capture how I feel. It must be getting there because I felt physically as well as mentally disturbed after listening to it. It is not going to be light entertainment believe me!

Well that was a bitty disjointed update, but that's where I am.

Ally

My head is going to explode

The headache is unbearable and the despair absolute. Tomorrow is my birthday and I wish it would go away.

I didn't get to walk in the park today, too much arguing with the eldest boy about money . I can't cope, I just wish I could let some of this pressure out of my head. I want to scream, run, hide anything. And now I am this down she can see how I am - and she laughs.

Make it go away please God.

Can this get any worse?

I didn't sleep early last night. Firstly I didn't want to go near her til she was sleeping, she was in a poisonous mood with all the stuff with our eldest. But secondly I wouldnt have slept anyway. So I went to bed at 1.30, waking at 6.30. Before sleeping put some antiseptic on my swollen arm and it has settled down - one good thing.

I felt tearful first thing though I didn't cry. I made the boy (he's actually 19 and should know better) get up and gave him his instructions for the day. Visit banks, jobcentre etc. Then I went to work.

In the morning I was in an odd mood. I discussed the whole debt thing with a colleague and felt OK in the morning. My mood was actually rather more elevated than seemed right given the circumstances. That lasted until after lunch. At lunch time he sent me a text saying the bank wouldnt see him which annoyed me. I started to feel worse in the afternoon, a headache and shivers began to set in - not a cold, this is either the happy pills or the depression itself - not sure anymore. I felt very very tearful and in fact for a second there were tears although I hid them. By 4.30 I just came home feeling wretched - absolutely depressed and ill. I have had enough, I barely have the strength to go on. I challenged him about the bank but apparently they have sold the debt on - not good. He was supposed to phone the debt collection people. He didn't. Now the wife wants to be involved in that phone call anyway. Given her total lack of caring or respect for me I guess I had better listen as well. I have been lied to enough.

So now I feel nearly as bad as I did last week, when descended on Ian and Sue. I have no strength and my judgement is shot, I nearly ran someone down tonight driving home.

I feel ill, desperate and alone. I know this sounds stupid but I could use a hug. This headache is killing me too. I wonder how much I more can take, just feel totally like giving up.

I tried today, really.....

... but today got the better of me.

I woke up. Felt good. Had a shower. Burst into tears - no reason. Bizarre.

Shook myself, picked myself up and dusted myself off then got ready for work.

I needed some information from her about her niece's date of birth for a form that HAD to be filled in. She exploded - give me money so I can leave here. So I stormed out of the house in a rage.

The office was quiet, two people away so I got my head down and did a lot of work. Then at about 11.30 Paul phoned. At work. That never happens. He is really p*ssed off for similar reasons to me. His marriage is breaking up & he has done everything to make sure his wife is set up in a nice home with no mortgage (more than I would have done) but she is still giving him a hard time and trying to get more money out of him. I learned for once that it's not all about me. I have to be there for him too. But it's difficult because she has got stroppy about me calling the house so we have limited means of communicating - hence the phone call. He is hoping to move out really soon - so I will go up and stay with him once he does. We try to cheer each other up (actually we are quite good at that when times are like this). But once I hung up the phone I was kind of shaky. I felt for him deeply, but it also reawakened my own feelings of despair. I spent a while with my head in my hands (hope no one noticed).

I came home, she was in (unusual). She announced immediately she was going out. I did the same. I went for my normal walk but I need to reconsider this walk. It was a route march around the lake. No stopping, real speed walking. Which is OK I guess in itself. It's good exercise. But the real reason was I couldnt wait to get back to the car. To cut. Only I did it bad this time. My left arm has swollen and may be infected. Which means I may end up in casualty tomorrow - then more psychological reports - then I'll probably get sectioned.

But it got worse. I mentioned my eldest (the stepson) had run up £1000 on his credit card. Well his mother got hold of the details and as soon as I walked in the problem was dumped on me to sort out. He actually as far as I can see owes £2000 in various overdrafts, card debts etc. He has moved his bank account for his salary but not his direct debits - a dodge to get at his salary without it paying the debts (he thinks I am stupid). Anyway to cut a long story short he is up to something because he is not as stupid as he likes to appear. So I checked his phone and now I wish I hadn't. No real messages from girls. But one from a boy who said he f**ked really well and one from another boy discussing moving in together into a studio appartment (which of course involves him raising money). Thing is if he IS gay that wouldnt be the end of the world for me - after all I can talk can't I! but his mother would kill him. This sounds awful but I wish he would move out. At least then that would allow me to sleep in a seperate bed to the wife which would be bliss.

Having had the discussions with him about his stupidity (whilst trying to hide my own, in the shape of my gashed left arm) I locked myself in the loo and sobbed again. However I am now angry with myself because I see a snapshot of me as I look from outside. Here's the picture:

It's all about me, I hate my wife for her adultery but I get off with other guys, I'm too weak to finish the relationship yet I keep taking it out on myself secretly hoping that by hurting myself I will get attention. Pathetic isn't it. All that makes me hate myself and that is pathetic too.

Anyway I am going to shower now, give this arm a good wash and hope it settles down. Tomorrow I will try to be better.

A

Am I really here?

A strange title I will explain in a moment.

I think I posted yesterday just after my walk in the park. Something that is becoming an obsession with me. I just have to get out.

As soon as I got back my mood was strange (I think - memory is poor). I had a hot relaxing bath, then cut myself again which hurt for once - not that I care, at least it proves I'm really here. Which gets me to the point of that title. My mood and mind state are now changing, I have moments of confusion, indecision over silly things and panic. Last night went with Ian to the townwide evening service which tends to be quite lively. There were many arms raised and shouts of hallelujah, something I am normally quite happy with and in fact join in if the fancy takes me. But last night I was scared because I know can get really hyper and euphoric in that situation and then I hit the ground hard afterwards. In fact though that didn't happen, instead I got this sense of not being there, as though I were watching on TV or through someone elses eyes. Very strange and unreal. By the end of the singing section of the service I had dug my finger nails painfully hard into my other hand, just trying to feel. I felt very detached and awkward as well trying to converse with others, I am sure they just thought I was being distant or 'offish' but I had genuine trouble interacting.

I do remember the talk at the service. It was on the story of Jesus meeting the woman at Jacob's Well and how he had seen the immorality in her life, but instead of judging her offered her the gift of eternal life. In otherwords the sermon was about grace and I needed to hear it though haven't fully assimilated why yet.

I just about rememeber coming home and I think I watched a prom on TV (or was that Saturday) then came to bed once the bedroom was in darkness (I don't want her to see the cuts - though I am sure she has).

I slept well, although with the strange sense that had had some scary dreams that I didn't remember. I woke early and felt panicky. Work day. Several times I sat alone feeling tearful, I also had a mild panic attack, just a bit of hyperventilating not too severe but annoying.

When I got to work though it was unreal. felt tearful inside but on the outside had to try to interact normally with colleagues. I am sure I messed up my work badly today. I couldn't concentrate, felt alternately restless and ridiculously tired and often had that detached out of body sensation. I was just glad I didn't have to go to any meetings.

At lunchtime, as well as my lunch I bought some more razor blades - so much for not cutting. I felt tearful as I bought them.

So now I am home. She's not back yet. Probably getting knocked up by Frank or Gab or whoever the current prat is she is screwing.I know she finishes work at four and she is never home before six, and Frank works in her office.

NOW to further add to my burdens my not very bright stepson has managed to run up a huge credit card bill (over £1000) whilst earning just a few pounds a week from his student job at McDonalds. Now of course that has been hidden from me though found it of course, in her handbag. Once again its a bailiff letter because he hasn't even made the minimum payments. Now I earn good money and could easily pay it, just as I had to with her stupid sister when she did the same. But this time I won't. I am only good for money here, nothing else so let him pay - or her if she is stupid enough. (I hadn't realised how angry I am about this till started typing).

So that's where things are at the moment. I will walk in a little while. And phone mum to see if she went to the doctors.

More later

Love

Ally

Panicky

I don't feel so good again now. I went to church which was OK ,though I felt a bit panicky dealing with people and was somewhat hyper. The ones I am close to would be shocked if they knew the full story, and I tried to look 'normal' for everyone else. Probably not what I should have done but it's a struggle.
It was a good service, the end of childrens holiday club and it was very lively and cheerful. So I settled down and I was OK. Until I left. As soon as I left the building I got panicky. I remember walking at great speed. I stuck being at home just long enough to have lunch and went out for a walk in the park. I'll be fit at this rate, especiallly walking at the ridiculous pace I walk at.

I spoke to mum on the phone whilst I was in the park, she is not well. Apparently if she lays down she loses her balance and can't get up again. She is also losing weight. I am worried about her.

So tonight I am going to the evening townwide service. I haven't been for ages and again feel panicky, but I will go, it might do some good.

It all seems surreal today

That is - everything that happened over the last week seems odd. Rather embaressing actually. You see I woke up feeling normal which I haven't done in a while, could it be the happy pills are working now? I didn't cut myself yesterday either, which is a bigger achievment than you might think. Of course actually remembering the last week is a bit iffy - I have to read back throught the blog because it's amazing how the mind dulls the memory of feelings, especially painful ones.

Still I am going to church today, I have a day off from playing keyboards so I am just going to sit and 'be'.

More later
Alice

Back from London....

...and I did have quite a good day.

I went to the Tate Modern and looked at the Dali Exhibition there. The more I see of his work the more I like him, but, as is often the case I fell for the picture everyone else walked past. A small picture of a man against a rock called Solitude. It touched me.

However the day was not without difficulty, the happy pills are giving me headaches and I struggled through much of the day with an aching head and neck as well as unbelievable tiredness. I was so determined to soak up the art though that I overcame it.

One of the good things the Tate do is commission musicians to play music inspired by a work of art of their choice. You can then listen to the music on headphones near the work of art concerned. I was taken with four extremely abstract pictures that represented the four seasons. A band called Union of Knives had made a track inspired by these pictures called Circular Breathing. I have to find it.

So now I am home, footsore and tired. The house is empty which is nice. And I feel a little more stable than I have done over the last few days. I hope it lasts.

Ally

Dawning of a new day

I nicked the title of this post from a song I like, but it seemed appropriate.

Last night I lay on the bed at about 8.30 having not managed to arrange an evening out. Next thing I was sobbing then next sleeping. At 11.30 I woke up got ready for bed properly and slept. But it was weird sleep and I had weird dreams. Also she kept snuggling up to me in the night - or did I dream that too. It was weird. Maybe she thought I was someone else.

My son doesn't want to come out with me today so I am going to London alone - the plan is to visit the Tate Modern. But I have a raging headache and the shakes so it's a bit scary. Also my self confidence has plumeted (oh heck I cant spell today). SO I will see how it goes. I can't take anything for the headache becasue of the happy pills so I just have to hope it passes.

more later
A

I took the happy pill. Not quite such a violent reaction as yesterday but I still have this 'thing' in my head driving me. I feel quite manic, I have a strange headache and a strong compulsion to run. I tried to fix up an evening out with J but so far no text back. Thing is I feel safe with her and we will talk about different stuff not this. But I am slightly nervous even about meeting her even so. because I'm not me any more, I'm a bit crazy. Don't misunderstand me I am very passive, wouldn't hurt a soul but even so - am I scary to be with? probably not Sue was happy to see me and coped with me.

I'm just so panicky and feel so crazy and manic. Where to go? where to run it just follows me. I can't do another late night walk can I? it just makes it worse.


I had plans to go to London tomorrow, to look at some art galleries, maybe take in the Tate Modern, or go back to the Dali exhibtion at County Hall. But am losing confidence even to travel on my own.

Oh I forgot to mention (my brain doesnt play back in sequence if it does at all) that I did my normal walk in the park. Round both lakes and the Peace Garden. Sat down in the Peace Garden - there is a nice seat partially hidden by bushes that is very peaceful and overlooks the pond. I thought I sat for 5 minutes but in fact it turned out more like 40 minutes, motionless, staring, thinking and talking to the imaginary Katie in my head.

Then I strolled back to the car. Sat for another half hour, the normal cutting - ordered and careful this time, not the mad slashing of last night.

I am so frightened of my own head. Nothoing seems real nothing seems to be really happening. It's all out there and I am in here, wherever here is.

I did spend a bit of time making my music, putting some finishing touches to Oblivion and wondering which other tracks are up to standard. There is still much work to be done. However low I get I will stil work on it, to lose my music would be to lose the last remaining purpose.

Oh and church music didn't happen tonight. Childrens holiday club are doing the music so I am not needed. A night off. And a sunday off from playing too.

Love as always
Alice

The day after

I haven't taken today's "happy" pill yet. I'm supposed to take them at the same time each day but I am gradually going to move the time on each day until it falls outside works hours. I have to keep my head at work.

Today being friday is a half day at work which is nice. I felt very wired, had my head in my hands at times but was heavily compensating as well, which meant that I worked much harder in between times than I have for a long time. I am finding conversation with my colleagues strange, like it's an effort to appear normal. In doing that of course I think I make myself appear more weird. Also I caught Mike, on of my colleagues, looking at my arm, you can see the gashs even with a long sleeve shirt on cos they are right down to my wrist. He didn't say anything but I wish he hadn't seen. I am so ashamed.

I think I have to admit now that I am having some kind of breakdown.

I know some of the stuff I write here is quite scary, but the alternative is to bottle it and this is a safe release. Knowing that people are reading it (the hit counter is going up) is also helpful. Please feel welcome to comment.

On Sunday I have agreed to go to our townwide church service with Ian. I haven't been much since Katie left but I think it might do some good.

I think there is church music practice tonight. I am a bit nervous about it again ,I will be full of Sertraline by then again and who knows where my head will be. However giving up the church music would be so hard.

One of the things that Sue said to me was very comforting. My mind is often in dark places, sometimes very dark and alone. She said that actually God follows me into those dark places and stays with me. If your not a Christian that won't make sense but I connected with it. That will probably find its way into my music at some point too.

I need to start behaving better too. No men. No cutting. At the moment they are mutually exclusive, I can't do one if I'm doing the other, but I should do neither. I confessed to Sue last night - that was the first step.

Thanks for listening

Ally

Crisis

Firstly as promised I am checking in to prove I am still alive. Which I am. Now I must tell you what happened after the last entry a few hours back.

I took the car to the park and parked up near the lake, where I have been walking most days. I should probably not have driven because my head was all over the place. I felt mildly sick but also very detached from myself, and had a sense of not caring what happened to me.

So I walked - actually I was walking so fast, joggers were only just making enough speed to pass me which was quite amusing. But all the while the pressure in my head was growing and growing. Strangly I did manage to pray, well I threw myself on God really - all sounds very holy but actually it was just plain desperate. I stopped on my usual seat half way around the lake. I knew I could'nt call mum so tried to call Ian & Sue. No reply. I felt even lower, I really needed someone and there was no one. By the time I got back to the car I was frantic. I sat in the car and slashed my left arm open with all my might, how I didn't hit an artery I don't know. but it bled profusely. I have a lot of blood to clear out of the car now. presumably because of the antidepressants I felt no pain, but there was some release of the pressure in my head. It was the worst I have done though and I am scared about it. More and more is required to achieve the same result. Just like any addictive drug. By the way in case you are wondering apart from my little games with valium over the last couple of days I am not and have never been a drug user.

The valium thing mst stop now because of the happy pills - they are seriously incompatible and I may take may life if I mix them, I don't actually want to die.

I got home and (still bleeding) sat calmly in the lounge and watched Eastenders. Can't remember much about it. But aftwerwards I noticed how much blood had soaked through my sweatshiirt- my favourite one - ruined I think.

I called Ian and Sue again. Sue was in and invited me round. I warned her what a state I was in, but she made me welcome and listened to me pour out the most extraordinary stuff about my life and made countless very welcome cups of tea. I can't believe what I confessed - the men, the cutting, everything. I was in a serious crisis and very very frightened. Sue was wonderful , really kind and supportive and slowly but surely my mind state settled down. Ian came back later and I recounted the story - which is scary with Ian because he always challenges me but he is also always wise and always has suggestions as to things to do to help me channel the feelings and problems. Through their kindness and support I am back on an even keel thank God. Through discussions with them I have got some plans for the weekend including either a trip out with my son on saturday or a trip to the Tate modern. On Sunday I will meet Ian and go to the townwide church service in the evening.

They are off to Canada next week and I hope they have a really good time. I will miss them

I am going to bed now (its 1.13 am) so I will probably update tomorrow PM when I have church music practice (I think).

A

PS as an unrelated aside - be careful what you click on amongst blogs at the moment. See the following BBC article http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6970368.stm

"Happy" pills day 1

I took the first one today. What possessed me to take it at lunch time. At work. I am totally messed up now. One minute out of it, the next clowning around and now I have this totally detatched sense of self. Like the depression symptoms only 100 times over. I can't assimilate what people are saying and to be honest even writing this is agonisingly difficult. This all kicked in two minutes after i took the tablet. And I have only taken one so far.

My sense of self preservation has taken a knock, I feel I could hurt myself easily now or worse. My head is muzzy and I feel sick.

How the hell do I cope with this, how do I sort out a seperation/divorce or make right decisions. This is desperate.

I had an idea this morning to try to make an advance on the divorce settlement as she suggested so she could get a place - but arranged through the solicitors so it was all legal and part of the settlement. Now my confidence is so shot couldnt even pick up the phone.

Now I KNOW they take a while to settle down and I will give it a chance. But I won't take any walks near cliff edges at the moment - I don't trust myself in this state.

What I will try in a minute is my normal walk in the park - maybe my head will clear. I will check in later to prove I'm still around.

A

Happy Pills

Well as promised here is the update following the 4.30 visit to the doc.

He was in agreement with the CPN this morning, that I should take some antidepressants called Sertraline to try to lift my mood. So I went to the chemist and got some. However I won't start till tomorrow because tonight I am enjoying the last beer of the condemned man. According to the notes no alcohol whatsoever is to be consumed, neither for that matter is ibuprofen, which is my painkiller of choice with the prostate. To make matters worse they can agrivate urinary tract conditions. I am not looking forward to this but will try - reluctantly.

I couldn't face work between these two appointments so I have been at home, putting a few more bits and pieces into my latest composition ' Oblivion' using some sound samples I gathered in Brighton at the weekend. Making music, especially that sort of music is very emotionally intense and, paradoxically (or however you spell it) I make my best music when my head is in the darkest of places. I played a bit to my son who declared it spooky and hid upstairs!

So I have some decisions to make as to how to move forward. Ideally it would be the one that resulted in her leaving this house but that looks unlikely. I have to consider, however unpalletable it is that I might have to go. I need to think it through - my brain is not in the best state for rash decisions right now.

Hugs and Kisses

Auntie

CPN

In case you don't realise that stands for Community Psychiatric nurse which is who I saw today.
Now I may update more than once today because my head is blanking stuff so quickly that i won't remember anything soon. I had a long chat with the CPN (there was also a Ugandan doctor present - his nationality is significant for reasons that will become apparent).
I went through my whole story, how quickly i had crashed from being perfectly normal and coping (or was that in denial) to the depressed state I am now in. I showed them the cuts, told them about the situation at home, even the violence that I had gone through 3 years back when the wife hit me. They were good and kind and listened to what I had to say. The African doctor's input was interesting because he asked about my wife - I may have mentioned before that she is African and he was keen to know from where and what tribe so I told him (probably best not to share that detail here). He said that women from that cultural background can be extremly violent and that my experience was not uncommon. This ties in with what I have witnessed from other females in her family.

However here is the crunch stuff. Firslty I am suffering from clinical depression that is definite (well I kind of worked that out) but secondly they can't help me because the problem is my home life. Basically if she won't leave I have to - urgently. I don't know how to though - I pay everything here and that costs all my money. Also I do NOT want to walk out on my son, that would make me like my father and push me (in my mind anyway) further over the edge. So I need to work this through. I am considering going back to lawyers to see what my options are, but how do I, with practically no useful short term memory, deal with money grabbing sharks - i.e. lawyers. My last experience that way was not good at all.

So now I find myself in a place where no one can help me until I help myself. But what I have to do to help myself is just too bigger deal for me. I don't know how and I don't think I have the strength.

There is a temptation to pop some more little yellow pills (ran out of blue ones which are stronger) and make it all go away for a while. But I have the ordinary docs appointment later so I need to stay away from that stuff. This morning's doc recommends i go back on anti depressants - he suggests Sertraline http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sertraline which I don't like the sound of. Side effects include weight gain (I am already over 15 stone /210 pounds/ 95Kg), sexual dysfunction - yeah I need more of that NOT, and of course it has the usual SSRI withdrawal symptoms which are nasty. I need some honesty from my doc but really I also need a solution to my problems at home. I can cope with the depression if I am not continuously living in hell.

I will tell more later once I see the second doc (16.30 uk time)

Love as always
Alice

Rumbled

She wanted something tonight so she managed to speak to me. She wanted her sister's laptop set up (I am an IT pro so I get all those jobs). I had intially refused because I am treated like crap most of the time (the sister has done her fair share of that in the past too ) But Alice the doormat relented - however didnt go so far as pirating a copy of MS Office for her - she will have to buy that. But while I was doing that my sleeve accidentally rolled up and the wife saw my bloodstained arm. I got a whole load of insults about how stupid I am. Well I guess I am but hey, no need to be nasty abot it. So now that has gone in her little book and she will doubtless use it against me again like she did last time. Probably i will hear her tell the kids "Your father's gay and he cuts himself'. How callous can you get.

I feel extraordinarily tired again. Not ordinary tired but that kind of shocked tired that I get after hurting myself.

Still I did go for the walk. It was a nice walk but I did a lot of thinking, a few attempted prayers and a lot of useless self analysis. I found a quiet corner of the park and cut myself which felt really good. Then I calmly phoned my mum and reassured her (after yesterdays weird conversation) that I am in fact ok. Good thing she couldnt see me bleeding.

I spoke to my friend who is out of work. He is struggling with life too and I am worried about him. We need to keep talking.

So tomorrow I have to handle the docs and the shrinks. Scary. I may get sectioned if I'm not careful. I will try to update and let you know what happens tomorrow

Love

Alice

back to the grind

Well just for one day. Tomorrow I am off you see. Off to the shrink to have my bumps felt.

So whats the story from last night. Well truth is I don't remember anything after mum called me- it's all blank. Well have to go and check yesterday's blog entry.

Today my concentration has been poor. I have a mixture of sort of detatched feelings and a kind of anxiety that means I have butterflys - not just in my stomach but all over. There have been various situations at work which challenged me as far as keeping my cool is concerned - but the detatched feeling helps _ I just feel sufficiently out of it not to care.

It struck me too that, having begun this blog with such a heavy emphasis on my crazy sexuality I have almost no feelings that way at the moment by that way I mean anyway. I have no interest in male or female intimacy. Odd that. Normally the prostate flare ups cause that but it has settled down again and I am still disinterested.

Driving home I felt the complete out of body sensation that I used to get in my big bout of depression three years back. Almost like I don't really exist.

The other thing I have noticed is how little this is now about my marriage (or lack of it). All of that has been swept into a neat drawer labelled 'denial' and I find myself in a self analytical, self centred state of mind.

Sonow (it is 5.45pm) I have to consider how to cope with the rest of the evening.
ore valium? not sure - I didn't like how I felt yesterday. Another walk? maybe. The wweather is nice and I can phone mum from outside the house. You see my stepfather phoned me at work today, apparently she was frantic after last night's weird call - so need to stay off the downers at least until then.

i also have tomorrow to contemplate. CPN appointment in the morning. I will be run through a standard assessment procedure and they will squeeze me into a pidgeon hole somehow. Although my desire not to take antidepressants may cause them a problem. In the afternoon I see the doc - this is the appointment I am not sure about - I think it's for my crazy head too but it might be the prostate - don't remember. We shall see.

I will update after those appointments (9.30 am and 4.30 pm uk time)

Love
Auntie

oops I did it again

More mothers little helpers. Dunno how many tongiht but I am well out of it.
Just spoke to mum she accused me of being drunk - good thing she doens't know
I can hardly stand, keep crashing into things - well off my head. Bliss

Alice

Still alive (again)

Well I suppose the one good thing was I caught up some sleep. I had already crashed out on the sofa for several hours yesterday. Putting together the pieces I took the valium at about 4pm and by 5 I must have been out. The wife blissfully ignorant(or maybe not) of what I had done went out and left me for the evening. A bright light woke me kindof andI came to at about 11.
I remember thinking it was THAT light - the one you walk towards.

Went up stairs to the bedromm - still blissed out and confused. I remember breaking down in tears and she told me to shut up because she wanted to sleep.
Came down. Channel surfed til 1am. Slashed my arms quite badly. Went to bed - unconscious again immdeiatelty.

So this morning I woke up at 7.30 feeling hung over and spaced out. I went for a walk in the park. Difficult because my legs felt like lead (even my hands do typiing this).

I am still questioning this morning if I wanted to die and the answer is I don't think so. I just wanted to make the day go away. Trouble is it's a new day now and it's just starting.
A

conscious

I freaked sometime today - took about 30mg of valium - all i could find. have been comatose apart from weird dreams all afternoon 0 came too at 11 pm very groggy.
Tried to talk to her she doesnt give a shit - just told me to go away because was spoiling her sleep.

I wish hadnt woken up it was a really blisfull state - is death like that?

I cut myslef to ribbons trying to feel again. nothing. no pain but loads of blood.

wish i had succeeded - after all none of them are my family they dont give a shit. Im better off dead
A

blissed out

Not sure what is happening now. ive tkaen some valium. Quite a bit. I'm out of it. the wold will go awa=y now my mind is numb confused. I dont care i may take some ore. Im prertty muchh of mye head . wondr how it feels to cut in this state. going to try. beyond hel just need to get out of my head,
ally

Sunday

It was slightly better today. don't think I cut yesterday did ? I don't remember.
I played in church this morning and at least felt my normal self and played better. Not too manic. In fact I felt a bit of a fraud. Except that now I feel really low again. Her niece is back with us now. She is a nice girl and an innocent party in all this. I am quite glad to see her because at least sshe is a moderating influence.

But still nothing is changed. I really ought to do something about this marriage. I also need to get the heating fixed, the dishwasher and the woodwork replaced on the garage. But can't be bothered in equal measure with any of them.

What do rememeber yesterday was going on one of those long walks. I think I mentioned it before. There was something sad though. On my way round walked past a nice pub that held a memorty because it was the night after Katie learned about my sexuality and I came out to some other friends. It wa a nice evening, a hot summer night all the more pleasent because felt honest again. The sad thing was however that the pub burned down earlier in the year and I walked past the site. There were still signs up for quiz nights and sunday roasts, but the place was a ruin. It made me sad and seemed somehow quite symbolic.

Wednesday grows closer and I am worried about it. Firstly I don't remember who my appointment is with. It just went straight through my head and out the otherside. Still I know where and when so hopefully it can be sorted out.

I feel a right fool for telling the vicar and the doc about my self harming. After all I am a guy in his forties.

Something got me mad yesterday. I did some research into an organisation called Christian Voice who were protesting at Pride. It turns out they are a right wing organisation who are more interested in homophobia than the word of God. They rant incessantly about gay people - even using the word queer in its most insulting context. Where is the love of God? They say they were pelted wth bottles and cans at Pride. I saw no evidence of that and it woud have been hard because they were completely ringed by police.

Anyway thats all for now I am sure I will find more to witter on about later. can say what like, no one reads it
Alice

Failure

Today I feel I failed.

I took my son to Brighton. He wanted to go. We went by train cos it's bank holiday weekend and I didn't fancy drivign and getting stressed in traffic. But the train wasn't a popular decision.
All he had wanted to do was walk along the beach which suits me fine. But it was a hot day and before we even got to the beach he wanted to come back. Nothing I suggested made any difference. He didn't want to do anything. The only thing we did nice was bought him a tee shirt. We got there at 12 and by 3 we were on the train home. The thing is HE feels he let me down because he was disinterested due to the heat and I feel I let him down though I can't rationalise that.

So we came back. She was out. Eldest didn't know where. I slept having divested myself of the roasting hot long sleeved sweatshirt I was wearing to hide the cuts. I woke at 7 and she still wasn't back so I started (with low motivation) to cook. She bowled in at about 8.30 skipping and laughing,dumped loads of stuff in my way in the kitchen and stared disapprovingly at what I was doing. By this time I had demolished half a litre of beer, something which normally makes me feel mellow but on this occasion made me quite agressive. So I shouted at her, made some noises about her taking care of her family rather than sleeping around. We had my burnt offering of a dinner and she started shouting at the eldest. Feeling myself about to explode inside I went out and walked. And walked. And walked - I walked for an hour and a half - looking for somewhere to hide to cut myself. I found nowhere. But everywhere I went there seemed to be parties and laughter. That just made it worse. When I got back she was still shouting, I nearly screamed. So that's where I am now, I am in here typing this, she is now in the kitchen washing up resentfully. Slamming things around.


So I should tell you about last night. I did go to music practice, but I was very manic to begin with. I had tried (whilst the house was empty) to cheer myslef up with lots of lively music and dancing around. All that did was made me manic. My playing at church was pretty manic too. I wonder if they noticed. Then we all went back to the vicarage for a drink. I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. That's because last night I was sensible enough (unlike tonight) to realise it would mess with my head. I was quite subdued, but it was nice because J was there so I had someone to chat to. The guys in the band want me to go on the three peaks challenge next year. They think it will do me good. I'm not so sure. I know they are trying to include me but I feel kind of on the edge of that crowd, and also I am just not fit enough. I would probably keel over on the first slope.

The vicar gave me a real talking to afterward. He is really kind but also quite firm. He told me he had spoken to my "wife" she had told him it was all about her happiness and not anyone elses. He told her that was wrong. She told him I was a nice man and the only way to stop me being nice (which apparently she can't handle) is to be nasty. How does that figure? Doesn't make sense. Anyway I am nasty back. I call her all the whores in babylon under my breath. I never hated anyone really but this is as close as it gets. I keep thinking of that track "I hate you so much right now".
A

Friday update 2

Church music practice in 50 minutes and I am having a mild panic attack. Why? this is what I love. But I am scared, scared of feeling like I did last week. Scared of not being the person they think I am, just scared.

So of course I cut myself. Which makes me feel more panicky about going.

Just after I wrote the last blog entry the phone went. It was the Psychiatric Nurse. They want to see me next wednesday. I am worried about that. I declined the mindbending chemicals and that was queried on the phone. So they will try to force me to take them. If they do I will run. FAST

friday update

Well we did do the music last night and it went quite well. I played Ian Oblivion but he was trying to make light of it - probably didn't wnat me to get too heavy.

Slept at 1 am and was woken at 4 in the middle of a weird dream about Katie. I dreamt we were together again and she kept hugging me. You don't need to be Freud to work that one out.

I am still in a strange altered state, kinda depressed, kinda out of it. I am becoming very self-analytical (bad sign) and feel sort of detached. I still hurt myself and no longer know why. It doesn't help anything but I just can't stop now. Am I crazy? probably. Iam accountable to my doc and my vicar about it but it doesn't seem to help. Not going to tell anyone else, wish hadn't tole them..

The prostate is cringingly painful today, and a nasty pain in the balls to boot (actually they feel like they have been booted) and everything else is aching in sympathy. I don't feel like doing anything, I just wish I could escape it. I am scared to have the op, does it even work? and it will stop everything from working permenantly - which no one seems to care about. The op is hte next stage on the NHS conveyer and if you don't follow the course they have mapped outfor you they just drop you like a hot potato.

So now we are at the beginning of a bank holiday weekend. I am dreading it. Her presence in the house makes the place totally unpleasant and the thought of being cooped up with her is not one I relish.

I have been toying with this fantasy of running. Just going off somewhere to hide. But where? I thought of just taking off in the car and sleeping in the back seat. Not tell anyone where I am. Let them miss me (if they notice). Not healthy thoughts and only cowardice (as usual) prevents me from doing it. But I just might. Maybe. Perhaps tonight.

Alice

another day what's to say

The prostate is back with a vengence. I could do with out this wretched nagging pain. It is not helping.

I got up early today, got to work for 7 which was nice because I can finish at 4 if I do that. And I starte out feeling OK but I have slipped down as the day progressed. I have a morbid interest in reading about depression, medication and various things - none of which helped. By 4 I was totally low. My head felt muzzy, my legs heavy and I could not concentrate. Finding no compelling reason to go home I went into town and wandered around the mall. As soon as I got in there I was scared. Scared of all the people and somewhat confused and vague. I bought some herbal sleeping tablets - though dont know what I did with them. But there is valium in the bedroom - quite a lot between mine and hers. I am tempted to get wasteed on it - but i am resisting.

Tonight I am supposed to be recording with Ian, he's coming at 7.45. I hope things are stable here. I feel very low. Not creative at all. And I don't even have the will to want to feel better.

A

The bitch is back

More's the pity. It looks like this was a business trip. Although her phone is full of calls to Frank AND Gab (who as far as I know is the previous bit on the side).

I haven't spoken to her yet. She is dancing around the house making whooping noises and generally acting stupid and I don't want to go anywhere near her.

Today I felt depressed all day. I spent the afternoon looking at the clinical side effects of valium. Why was I doing that? something inside me seems to be tempting me to start popping downers again. I have 20mg left - but she has a supply in her cupboard from the doc. I know that would be crazy but they look tempting. It also begs another question why does SHE have some anyway?

It is pissing down with rain and it appears to have gotten dark especially early. There goes today's walk - although I might still go - one of my night time 5 mile route marchs like I used to do. But what with the rain and her being here feel have no place to exist

I don't hate her you know - not real hatred. But I do have an absolutely bottomless anger towards her. Someone who is not wired like me could hurt someone with half that anger. But not me. I couldnt touch her. But myself - that's a different matter isn't it - I am fair game - I can hurt myself as much as I want.

The other question I am wrestling with is do I go back to the solicitor? I want it done and dusted, finished completely. But I know I will get stitched up. does it matter? I've been hurt every other way what difference will one more make.

Before wrote this I took a slice out of my arm again, it has stopped bleeding now. I don't understand why but actually feel proud of myself for doing it. Hey look at how strong I am I can take all this pain. Doesn't my arm look spectacular - I bet you couldn't imagine doing that! I toyed with the idea of posting a picture of it up here - just so you know I am for real - but that seems wrong somehow - I wouldn't want a child to see it.

I tried to record some music earlier. Creativity and inspiration are gone, as is technique and ability.

Oh and did send my update to the vicar last night. havent heard back. What I wrote was weird, a very watered down version of this - after all it wouldnt do to sound to pessimistic. I need to sound like I am trying.

The prostate started hurting again today. Kind of fitting - I have felt like I have been emotionally kicked in the balls for days, now I feel like I have been physically kicked there too.

I feel sorry for the people that love me. Mum, the boys, JN and JR, Paul etc etc. I know how it feels to watch a loved one crash and burn (remember Maureen, Katie etc) truth is it is that (and cowardice) that stops me ending it.

I wondered today why I type this stuff, no one know knows about it, and I know from the stats that no one reads it. Maybe, secretly, I want it to be discovered by someone (apart from her of course), maybe I need to be called to account for some of what I say and do. I tell you what though, I am more truthfull because I know that the Katies of this world aren't reading this.

Alice

End of the day

She's away. An evening without her! bliss!

Of course she still managed to hurt me. Just after I posted the last entry in here at lunchtime I went up to the bedroom. She had forgotten (accidently or deliberately?) to take her hand bag. Two more condoms. It hurt just as much as before and I spent the rest of the afternoon unable to concentrate for more than 5 minutes at a time. The pressure in my head building fast. Somehow I manage not to let my colleagues see how I am - although how long can I hand my slashed arms? I got home, couldn't cope with anyone. Went upstairs and searched again. A few more letters and diary entries but nothing significant. I am getting obsessed with this!.

No walk today. I had to cook for younger son. Or at least we went for a chinese - I couldn't find the energy to cook. So I ate too much and I feel like a hippo now. No cutting yet today though - maybe I can make it through, but I'm not in bed yet.

Spoke to mum, she is getting worried about me although I am guarded about what I say. Spoke to Paul, he has just moved into his new house - or at least the house that will become his wifes. He has an offer in on a house elsewhere. We somehow managed to make each other laugh despite our misfortunes.I like Paul, he's a good friend.

The prostate, which has been quiet for three days now is starting to grumble again - every time it stops hurting I think it's over - then it starts again.

No music recorded today either. So not much achieved - except a bit more weight put on.

I'm supposed to update our vicar with how I am, so I ought to send him an email

Love

Auntie

I don't care.....

... that no one reads this. I am still going to carry on, becasue this helps me if no one else.

Last night I over did it. I cut myself badly. Also there is a disturbingly different pattern to it. Now it is almost subconcious, not a reaction to a situation, it's just something I do. What is shocking is that when I do it I rationalise it totally. It doesn't feel wrong, in fact bizarrely it feels good. But like any addiction it takes more and more to get the same hit. Last night's cuts ,whilst fewer were much deeper and the pain woke me this morning,

Today (at least this afternoon) I seem to be more conventionally rational. Last nights behaviour seems odd, and I am concentrating better at work. Tonight should be better, the tart is away and it's just me and the boys. Apparently she has gone to Leeds on business. Maybe she has, but here lover is in her office - have they gone together? The trouble is I don't trust her and assume the worst.

I did a bit more music last night, just a bit nothing too inspired, Oblivion is now finished and I made a post on my Myspace blog hinting vaguely at darkness in my life at the moment.

Hopefully I will get time to walk later but I have to cook. Maybe my youngest will come with me, then at least I will have to act rationally

A

Back to work

I went back today. I have barely the concentration to drive TO work let alone do anything once I get there. It was awful. I did nothing, achieved nothing and in fact barely inderstood my job. I have that detached feeling I remember from before. Nothing matters, nothing is really happening, do I really exist?

I stayed at work late even so. I can't really face coming home either. On the way home I stopped off at my friend's parents to drop off an anniversary card. Golden. 50 years. 50! How is that achieved? I kept my 'ok' face on and they suspected nothing, but under my shirtsleeves my arm was stinging.

I came home and hid in the bedroom because wife had the nextdoor neighbour in and I couldn't face anymore play acting. Then I went out.

The plan behind going out was to walk around the lake again and try to talk to God. But it was harder than yesterday and I soon gave up. It just doesn't work for me at the moment. Still i will keep walking because that's the only act of faith I can muster at the moment. Maybe God will even honour that gesture.

But of course I didnt mention one thing - the thing that has become an addiction. As strong as any drug. I had a blade with me and I sat in the carpark and cut myself a few more times. Just to see the blood. Feel the sting and get the rush. I feel less angry at least because of it, although I have that sense of being in shock again. I had a close shave too. Just as I was doing it a police car came past, slowed down. They even peered in through my window. I kept my hands down and they drove off. Even that was a buzz.

Now I am upstairs, avoiding going down. I don't want to face the boys, or listen to her endless bitter twisted taunting. I may go out again later.

Oh I forgot to mention, I came home at lunchtime today. The boys were here, the house, predictably was devastated but I couldnt be bothered to nag them to tidy up. Then the eldest said to me. Mum is going away on business for a couple of days. Yeah right. Business with Frank no doubt. (I found her contraceptive pills today - and threw them away - what a bastard). I am angry that she got him to do her lying for her. She doesnt even have the guts to tell me herself.

Ok I may eat now

A

Crazy

The long dark night of the soul, that's what he called it. When everyone else is sleeping and only you and your demons are awake. Tormenting you, taunting, laughing at you. The pressure is so great, its like I am going to explode, I'm so scared.

She started on at me tonight so I left the house, but I couldn't get hold of anyone. I am trying not to be too much of a burden to people so I am spreading myself around a bit, this time I tried to call Paul. Engaged the first time, no answer 5 minutes later. They must have been just going out. But it was probably just as well, he has problems of his own anyway, he doesn't need mine.

By that time the blood was everywhere. I had stopped in a laybye and gashed my arm open again. It looks awful and I think there is blood all over the car. I get a strange kind of tiredness when I am in this state, it's beyond sleepiness - reminds me a bit of being in shock. I shouldn't have driven like that, and I won't again. I'll walk next time.

Still look on the bright side - I won't be taking my clothes off with strangers for a while, it will do me good to behave!

I have work tomorrow and I don't know how I will cope. The pressure there is enourmous and the bosses delight in making you feel insecure - management by threat.

I want out. Out of all of it. Work, home, I just want to be a dependant child again. Safe and secure, someone else doing the difficult stuff. I want to be cuddled, held by strong arms and loved. But what is love, I have been betrayed so many times I can't allow myself to love again.

Alice

Sunday

After yesterdays successful music practice at church I thought I would be OK today. I was fine until 10 minutes before the service. Then I felt faint. My stomach was in knots and I felt so hot. I tried wandering out into the fresh air, opening some windows, it didn't help. I think my body is rebelling now.

I got through the service though, and my friends were kind to me, they listened to my story, offered me hope and comfort. This was kind, overwhelmingly so. I feel so loved there. Our vicar spoke to me afterwards too, he offered me a spare room should I need it, he prayed for me and was very kind and affirming. I feel more honest about accepting his words now the self harm secret is out.

I took up his suggestion, walked around the lake for an hour, tried to pray. It was hard. Distracting thoughts and sounds filled my head, but I managed to pray for a bit, and again felt loved.

But I am home now. I am downstairs, she is up. If I go up, she'll come down. Sometimes I go up and down again and again just to see her do the opposite. It's so childish. I am so childish - in every way.

The problem with the self harm is it quickly becomes a strong and dangerous addiction. I cut last night because it felt good (yes really it does) not because I was angry. And I went to sleep with an old towel wrapped around my arm to catch the blood.

I looked again at the docs appointment - it's not this wednesday, it's a week wednesday. How am I going to last that long. And it's work tomorrow too. Can I face going in, for that matter could I face not going in. I wish someone would come and manage my life for a bit. I'd like to hand over all responsibility and just be taken care of, looked after like a child - is that pathetic?

Thought? was it the cutting that made me feel faint this morning? I didn't bleed that much


A

Accountability and Avoidance

Today started off quite heavy.

I woke up and realised I was laying in bloodstained sheets. How to deal with it? I tried to sponge it dry. No luck. Made bed, invent cover story about nosebleed. If she sees the blood self harm will be the first thing to cross the wife's mind , and she will use it unmercifully to hurt me.

It was church music practice today. The whole gang is back and we practiced at 10. When I am playing I am far away from the hurt, and I started to feel a bit closer to God again.

Then I spoke to the vicar. I was honest with him, told him about the self harm and everything. He prayed for me and I blubbed a bit. During the chat J (a female friend) came in, and wandered off again (good thing she did - I couldnt cope with her seeing me cry). The prayer made me feel better, a bit more calm. I went home, and marched off into town to get anniversary cards for some old friends. My walking style was literally a routemarch, so fast no one could catch me. I got to town and bang, more flashing lights in front of my eyes.

I managed to buy the cards and the walk home seemed to clear my head, except I stopped on the way to call J. We arranged a lunchtime beer (coke for me) and met at 1.30 It was supposed to be a lunchtime beer but we left the pub at 3.40, went back to hers, chatted, listened to music and eat pizza. Nothing happened, we just kept each other company, talked about loves lost and vague hints of my rogueishness. I have not come out to J, but it got damn close today. She told me about her lost loves - by name. What was I to say? I quick bit of subject changing on my part. I am not going to make the coming out decision whilst in this frame of mind.

I left J's at nearly 8, we had a nice day together and I could have stayed longer, but it seemed right to leave then, and the later it gets the riskier it feels.

So now I am back, I walk into the lounge, wife walks out and goes to bed. At just after 8 on a saturday. Still at least she's not out knocking about with random men (mind you I do that - hypocrite alert).

I am inexplicably tired - its 11.30 but I have been painfully tired since I got in and will go up soon. I have this nagging feeling that my head still isn't straight and there maybe more episodes to come. Best try to sleep.

Alice

xx

Ok so don't trust what I say....

I went to the doc about the prostate today and it all came out. I told her everything, and I am now on the aformentioned NHS conveyer belt. Urgent appointment with the shrink because of the self harm.

She wants me refered to the urologist for the prostate too - I think I agreed to that somewhere in the haze.

So how did we get here.....

This morning started off well. I took my youngest for a long walk in the park - he loves nature as do I and we enjoy each other's company so that was good. We got home and I realised there was no food so we went to tescos. We had done most of the shopping and I bent down to pick up a packet of biscuits. When I stood up I couldn't see. So there I am, in Tescos, trolly full of shopping, 12 year old in tow and functionally blind - well I could see, but it was all bright colours and distortion. A migraine. But that was the most intense aura I have ever had and the most sudden. My lad packed the shopping and I we loaded the car. I sat until I could see enough then we kindof liimped home, driving very cautiously. He and his brother unpacked the car and made lunch. They were great. I have been very distant and out of it all day, typical migraine hangover, and still feel confused even now. So it was in that state of mind I went to the docs.

Having confessed all and got on some or other track in the NHS mental health system I came out feeling wretched and very alone. I tried calling Paul, Richard and Ian but couldnt reach anyone. I have avoided calling family at the moment cos I don't want to cause mum any more worry. So I was then alone and feeling very wretched. I lay on the bed not sleeping for a while, and the hours passed. I sat down tried to watch Eastenders but couldnt concentrate. I went upstairs and cut myself again, this time quite badly, there was lots of blood. I am ok, but this is bad. Eventually I got Ian on the phone and went to see him which got me back on an even keel. I tell Ian a lot but could not bare to mention the cutting.

Tomorrow I have music practice (can I really cope with it?) still I get to see our vicar hopefully. I need a long chat to him and I need to be honest.


A

The genie is out of the bottle again

Self harm is an extraordinary thing. Last night I was in despair, I felt like my head was going to explode with anger and desperation. Yet a few cuts seem to relieve the tension, it's like lancing a boil, suddenly some pressure is relieved and I feel better. To those who don't know (which hopefully is most people), there is no pain, in fact I always think I haven't done anything, it feels like I lost my bottle before making the cut, then suddenly it bleeds like crazy. Sorry if this is shocking, but this is how it is.

The trouble is (as the title of this post suggests) once I start this thing it is damn hard to stop again. It is as addictive as any drug, possibly more so. And I know it is dangerous too. And just like drug addiction you do your best to conceal it, blood is cleaned, long sleeves are worn.

I don't know how this ends this time, last time I confessed to the doc and went on the NHS mental health treadmill. This time I won't do it. Why not? Firstly they put me on antidepressants last time and they really did mess with my head. I was like a zombie and lost all my creativity. The withdrawal was wretched too, terrible nausea, a strange sensations in the head and auditory hullicinations when I was trying to sleep. And secondly because the CPN is a friend of my wifes, now I don't care HOW professional she is, and I have no reason to doubt her integrity, the fact remains that I am not comfortable with it.

sinking fast

She is out with Frank - again - and being quite brazen about it now. And the thing she said about my youngest - me not being his father - has sunk in. I am hurting really really bad and there's no one to call. I can't tell my mum, it would finish her, I thought of my uncle, but that means he has to keep a secret from mum - that's not fair. Paul is going through turmoil of his own, its the vicars day off and Ian is out too. That leaves two people at church, both female - so that becomes too risky (not that I am safe with males either). So I am alone. My son is downstairs watching the Simpsons and I am up here crying and cutting myself.

IKNOW I am pathetic, so I don't need to be told.

Her sister phoned tonight - asking about her whereabouts. So I told her. "With her boyfriend".

I can't see a way out - she blocks anyway forward or back. Basically she wants me to pay for her board and lodging while she goes around with every guy in sight. How can I stop her?

No obvious title

Well I survived the first night without sleep. Only to have another one. She demanded her condoms back (I noticed from her phone there had been a number of calls to Frank - the boyfriend) - she had met up with him and discovered them gone. For half the night she kept up the give me my money routine. I lost it at about 3 am called her a tart and spat in her face. Ok so now I AM a hypocrite. And yes I hate myself so you don't have to hate me. That was so out of character and I am shocked at myself. But I am hurting bad and have no release for the pain and anger.

So yesterday (after being effectively awake for 48 hours) I took the boys for a day out in London. We looked round the London Aquarium which was OK - my youngest loved that - despite the queues. Then we looked around the Salvador Dali exhibition next door, which my eldest wanted to see. The youngest liked the art but was too foot sore by then to enjoy it. I really connected with Dali - he was a rogue too. And he painted a picture - the Wine Casks in his Don Quixote series that really connected with me (I will post my Temptress poem at some point which seems to connect to that picture). Also a bronze sculpture of a unicorn piercing a wall with its horn, leaving a heart shape and a trickle of blood. Underneath was a beautiful naked woman in bronze with black hair. Sleeping. Protected by the unicorn. It was amazing. They had a smaller replica on sale - for nearly £1000! I could have thought about buying it - but the girl's hair was not black - how could they get that wrong?

Dali's art prompted me to carry on recording my latest track - Oblivion. It's a monstrously dark soundscape, an expression of the terror of death. It needs something though - because it's not quite working yet.

I had a liason arranged with a guy last night - but I stood him up. I felt so hypocritical that I couldn't bare to go through with it. Instead I went to see some friends and had a good chat.

Oh Katie has a new boyfriend. He looks like Gerry Adams! Scary. I hope it works out for her - although seeing his picture posted on line didn't exactly cheer me up because I still love that girl.

So last night I did sleep. Eight whole hours. I feel a bit better physically. But mentally I am still in tatters. I am going to confront Frank tomorrow. Not sure what good it will do, but I want him to know how I feel and what I think of him.

PS if ANYONE reads this, please leave a comment. I'd just like to know I'm not talking to myself.

A

Don't panic I'm still alive

Although I had no sleep at all. Whatsoever. We at least not until she got up and went to work - then I had an hour. During which I dream't variously that all my teeth fell out and I got mixed up with some strange sex crazed community. I woke up relieved that the former hadn't happened and kind of disappointed that the latter hadn't happened either.

My arm looks a bit horrid, although there is no serious damage, Long sleeve shirts will be worn for a few days.

I need to get a grip somehow or this will kill me. And do I really believe her about my son? Does it matter? If it's true then she's a bitch and an unfaithful one at that, if it's a lie, what makes you want to lie like that, to inflict the ultimate hurt. Oh and how did the conversation start? I was quizzing her about her nights on the town with men (which apparently she has a right to because she's 'not' married to me) and trying to discuss money (which she apparently does have a right to because she 'is' married to me)