Accountability and Avoidance

Today started off quite heavy.

I woke up and realised I was laying in bloodstained sheets. How to deal with it? I tried to sponge it dry. No luck. Made bed, invent cover story about nosebleed. If she sees the blood self harm will be the first thing to cross the wife's mind , and she will use it unmercifully to hurt me.

It was church music practice today. The whole gang is back and we practiced at 10. When I am playing I am far away from the hurt, and I started to feel a bit closer to God again.

Then I spoke to the vicar. I was honest with him, told him about the self harm and everything. He prayed for me and I blubbed a bit. During the chat J (a female friend) came in, and wandered off again (good thing she did - I couldnt cope with her seeing me cry). The prayer made me feel better, a bit more calm. I went home, and marched off into town to get anniversary cards for some old friends. My walking style was literally a routemarch, so fast no one could catch me. I got to town and bang, more flashing lights in front of my eyes.

I managed to buy the cards and the walk home seemed to clear my head, except I stopped on the way to call J. We arranged a lunchtime beer (coke for me) and met at 1.30 It was supposed to be a lunchtime beer but we left the pub at 3.40, went back to hers, chatted, listened to music and eat pizza. Nothing happened, we just kept each other company, talked about loves lost and vague hints of my rogueishness. I have not come out to J, but it got damn close today. She told me about her lost loves - by name. What was I to say? I quick bit of subject changing on my part. I am not going to make the coming out decision whilst in this frame of mind.

I left J's at nearly 8, we had a nice day together and I could have stayed longer, but it seemed right to leave then, and the later it gets the riskier it feels.

So now I am back, I walk into the lounge, wife walks out and goes to bed. At just after 8 on a saturday. Still at least she's not out knocking about with random men (mind you I do that - hypocrite alert).

I am inexplicably tired - its 11.30 but I have been painfully tired since I got in and will go up soon. I have this nagging feeling that my head still isn't straight and there maybe more episodes to come. Best try to sleep.

Alice

xx