... because I seem to be saying more or less the same thing. I go to work. get depressed, at times desperate.
Yesterday I got very desperate at work. it was hard to hide it, in fact I nearly came home. I am sure it was triggered in part by hunger, I had to go for a cholesterol test which meant I had to fast. For some reason that seems to make it a lot worse. I got a day off from prostate pain though but that was about all. I keep fantasising about ending it. But then I fear dying so it stays a fantasy.
At home in the evening sill more desperation and I cut myself again. This time it didn't really help and I felt more wretched. She asked me what the matter was and I nearly fell for it, but luckily remembered that last time I confided in her she yelled it all at the kids. So she is untrustworthy.
I didn't sleep so well, vivid dreams and I woke up in the night (which is becoming a habit) 2 hours after getting off to sleep. Had trouble getting back to sleep of course.
Today the prostate has been agony. I think it is swelling because I am having trouble weeing. Seeing the doc on thursday so guess I will get referred on somewhere. Ugh. If that happens my options are limited. An operation. Not good. So todayI have been battling depression and pain. The pain being so intense makes me think even more about ending it.
Tonight though I will go to my church meeting. J will be there and I rememeber how upset she was about the overdose. I don't want to hurt her so I guess I won't do anything bad.
Love
Ally
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