back to the grind

Well just for one day. Tomorrow I am off you see. Off to the shrink to have my bumps felt.

So whats the story from last night. Well truth is I don't remember anything after mum called me- it's all blank. Well have to go and check yesterday's blog entry.

Today my concentration has been poor. I have a mixture of sort of detatched feelings and a kind of anxiety that means I have butterflys - not just in my stomach but all over. There have been various situations at work which challenged me as far as keeping my cool is concerned - but the detatched feeling helps _ I just feel sufficiently out of it not to care.

It struck me too that, having begun this blog with such a heavy emphasis on my crazy sexuality I have almost no feelings that way at the moment by that way I mean anyway. I have no interest in male or female intimacy. Odd that. Normally the prostate flare ups cause that but it has settled down again and I am still disinterested.

Driving home I felt the complete out of body sensation that I used to get in my big bout of depression three years back. Almost like I don't really exist.

The other thing I have noticed is how little this is now about my marriage (or lack of it). All of that has been swept into a neat drawer labelled 'denial' and I find myself in a self analytical, self centred state of mind.

Sonow (it is 5.45pm) I have to consider how to cope with the rest of the evening.
ore valium? not sure - I didn't like how I felt yesterday. Another walk? maybe. The wweather is nice and I can phone mum from outside the house. You see my stepfather phoned me at work today, apparently she was frantic after last night's weird call - so need to stay off the downers at least until then.

i also have tomorrow to contemplate. CPN appointment in the morning. I will be run through a standard assessment procedure and they will squeeze me into a pidgeon hole somehow. Although my desire not to take antidepressants may cause them a problem. In the afternoon I see the doc - this is the appointment I am not sure about - I think it's for my crazy head too but it might be the prostate - don't remember. We shall see.

I will update after those appointments (9.30 am and 4.30 pm uk time)

Love
Auntie