Oh God please help

At 2 this morning I woke, full bladder. Again at 3. This time I couldnt wee, or rather I could but it was a struggle. I got more and more worked up until I had a panic attack. Sat rocking back and forth on the chair crying out to God for mercy and then just crying. I couldn't stop shaking, that weird obsessive shaking of the limbs thats half controlled half automatic. It turned into another dark night of the soul. I eventually crashed on the sofa.

Then, at ten I set out on my intrepid adventure to Dover. Ok that should be a routine kind of journey, but for me in this state it was tough. I nearly freaked though when I saw an accident on the motorway - a people carrier on its side, fire engines and police everywhre- it affected me a lot.

But I am so glad I went. Pete and his wife made me so welcome and, after a walk I had stopped shaking and was starting to be my normal self. They have both been where I am with abusive or unfaithful partners and are now happily married to each other. That gave me some hope. We walked the white cliffs of Dover to South Forland Lighthouse and back. I was VERY wobbly walking along the cliffs - kept thinking about how high it was and my comments about staying away from cliff edges a few weeks back. But the company was good and I felt at ease.

A spooky weird thing happened - at least I read it as spooky. On the way through Dover at 11.30 I noticed an old church. Don't know why I particularly noticed it but I did. Got to Petes, and at 12 his wife rushed in and said the church was burning. The whole of Dover was closed and the building was gutted. It was deconsecrated and converted into flats but it was so sad to see a beautiful old church building burn. Again I was deeply affected. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/7008265.stm

Well it's late and I am exhausted so I will stop there. More tomorrow my dears.
Alice

Up and Down

After a good day on wednesday yesterday was more of a struggle. My head felt steadily heavier as the day progressed. I went to see the doctor and struggled to rememeber everything I wanted to ask him. He was cross that the mental health team have not even contacted him following my visit there and he is trying to get me some more counselling. That might help a bit, but only getting rid of that damn woman I'm supposedly married to will really help.

Last night something weird happened. The eldest didn't come back from college, I don't know where he went. At 10.30 the doorbell rang and she answered it. I heard voices and I swear I heard her say "oh you are bleeding". I assumed it was the eldest but it wasn't. It was some of his mates. She wouldn't tell me what it was about and instead I got a whole tirade about how the divorce is just being "put into paperwork now" and that I would feel it in the pocket. It's nearly 6 months since she started saying that. I was so angry and had to bottle it up, which did nothing for my mental state. The whole game is to try to make me mad enough to hit her - but I don't do that sort of thing so it won't happen.

Today being friday was half day at work. I felt a bit ragged at work but muddled through (don't think I did much). Came home and loafed about. I had intended to work on some cover art for my CD but I ran out of steam and just sat around, then had a hot bath. Collected the youngest from school and went to town to buy him some stationary for his art homework. I thought I would be alright. The distraction of having him there, laughing and joking should have been enough. But the panic set in, everything got loud and echoey and I stepped out of myself - that weird disconnection thing - to the point when I felt like I didn't exist. I just HAD to get out of there. And I think I am going to drive to Dover tomorrow, I'm worried about that but I really want to see my friends so I will try.

Tonight is music practice, at least this week I ate something before taking a happy pill so I hopefully won't be as far out of it as I was last week.

A

A better day

Not that I understand why, you see it was a very similar day to yesterday in many respects. Same stuff at work, that sort of thing. But I didn't have the same weepy feeling shortly after getting up and I managed to at least be distracted enough by work to not think about things. I didn't even get panicky in Tescos at lunchtime. So that was all good - if a little weird for that odd part of me that doesn't seem to want to get better (go figure).

I had a call from a friend this afternoon and told him the story, so now I am going to visit him on Saturday which will be nice, the weekends have been very empty lately so it will be good. The only thing bothering me is he lives 90 miles away and ten days ago a 5 mile drive was stressful, still I shall play things by ear.

Now the other issue in my life - this flipping prostate, took a turn today. It has been painful though less so than yesterday which is good. However it seems that when I visited the doc a few weeks back in the terrible state I was in she DID make a hospital appointment for me. So I go on November 8th for that. I see my GP tomorrow to talk over the depression issues, I need to find out what I can do about pain relief whilst on these happy pills because the prostate can be unbearable at its peak.

Now tonight's issue is that the eldest got his bank statement. Further into the red because another direct debit bounced. They are making a £70 charge for every bounced direct debit so his little £30 deposit to try to start paying it off had no real effect. As a result the woman is screaming at him again, which is driving me nuts - that horrble squaking, condescending voice nagging incessantly on and on saying the same things is enough to send me back crazy so I might sneak out later, just for a walk.

All for now

Alice

xx

I missed a day...

... because I seem to be saying more or less the same thing. I go to work. get depressed, at times desperate.

Yesterday I got very desperate at work. it was hard to hide it, in fact I nearly came home. I am sure it was triggered in part by hunger, I had to go for a cholesterol test which meant I had to fast. For some reason that seems to make it a lot worse. I got a day off from prostate pain though but that was about all. I keep fantasising about ending it. But then I fear dying so it stays a fantasy.

At home in the evening sill more desperation and I cut myself again. This time it didn't really help and I felt more wretched. She asked me what the matter was and I nearly fell for it, but luckily remembered that last time I confided in her she yelled it all at the kids. So she is untrustworthy.

I didn't sleep so well, vivid dreams and I woke up in the night (which is becoming a habit) 2 hours after getting off to sleep. Had trouble getting back to sleep of course.

Today the prostate has been agony. I think it is swelling because I am having trouble weeing. Seeing the doc on thursday so guess I will get referred on somewhere. Ugh. If that happens my options are limited. An operation. Not good. So todayI have been battling depression and pain. The pain being so intense makes me think even more about ending it.

Tonight though I will go to my church meeting. J will be there and I rememeber how upset she was about the overdose. I don't want to hurt her so I guess I won't do anything bad.

Love
Ally

Sunday routine

Today was a normal sunday for me. Played for the kids at church which was fun, though I felt a little twitchy I was at least able to function. And I did wear a short sleaved shirt, the scars have healed well so I got away with it, I don't think anyone looked that closely. I got the chance to apologise to some people for being a bit weird on Friday.

Boredom caused me to go for my normal walk (route march?) around the lakes. It was real power walking and I tired myself out. But I also spent the time in self analysis and also in a strange mental role play game that I have, where I imagine a friend in trouble and then become the superhero who saves the day. It's a game I play often in my head and I don't understand why. Today's story was about a friend (I won't name her) who has psychotic episodes. I imagined being there for her in one of these episodes and being the only one who can help. I have never really understood why I do this and I normally don't realise I am doing it for quite a while. I spend a lot of time having conversations with an imaginery person in my head. Sometimes it's Katie, somtimes J, sometimes it's no one.

I got home, had a hot bath (pain relief) and spent more time in self analysis. Another pattern then repeated. I yawned. Then I got tearful, sobbed a bit but wished I could howl properly.

This evening we had a lovely service for (or rather by) a temporary member of our church who is returning to New Zealand. She was fantastic and inspiring. I wish I was like her. Still I played my music and people thanked me for it. Then I sloped off quietly in to the night having said my goodbyes to her.

I got home and suddenly (after calling me a weirdo) my wife asked me to grammer check her essay. (the thing is, after reading this crap would you have me grammer check anything?) So she was friendly. She stopped hating me just long enough to get something from me. Then naffed off back upstairs.

Now I am desperately tired again. And I can't eat because of tomorrow's cholesterol test so I think I will go to bed early. Of course she has set up shop in the bedroom again so I don't think that will happen.

All for now

A

Parallel Lives.....

... well almost. I had a call from my friend today. He is seperating from his wife and he was very down. Constant arguements about money, she wants him out and he can't wait to go. Sounds familiar huh? He's my dearest friend and there was little I could say ,we just shared each others experiences aand at least took comfort that we are not alone. I say almost because he is straight so at least he doesn't have a double life to hide as well.

Apart from that today was as desolate as every other. I was bored o r to be more precise, demotivated. Eventually I managed to muster enough energy to walk to the local shops wearing a short sleaved tee shirt for the first time in ages. The scars are fading now so I thought I would risk it. Of course I bumped into several people from churchand I watched myself have aparently lucid conversations with them.

Eldest son was at work, wife was in and out doing heaven knows what (she reminded me that she hated me this morning - in case I have forgotten). Youngest son was stuck to his computer playing games andcould not be prised off. I sat around for ages doing nothing, staring at walls. getting lower and lower. At least P is doing something about his situation. I am just sitting here watching the world pass by and I hate myself for that.

I walked into town. It was warm. I should have been happy at that but I wasn't. The pain doesn't help either, that has been bad today. Then I walked around town, wondered why I was there, looked in a few shops, still didn't buy anything. The mall played it's usual trick a crescendo of echoey people. I watched myself walk around. Looked down over the balconys. It was a long way down, a very long way. Some years back someone jumped there, fell to his death. Landed on a kids lego display. But I couldn't, not jump. It's too violent. And too messy.

So I walked back again. Getting lower. I got back. Did nothing for a while (again) then had a hot bath (releaves the pain for a while). I sat in the bath and I sobbed, don't know why, I just did.
Then the usual tension around dinner time. I had to go out to practice music for the church again (I am playing for the children tomorrow - remember the long sleeves!). So the tension was about the fact that they never leave me food.

I practiced the piano with the vicar on guitar, put a brave face on, didn't want to let it out today. Then got home back to miserable land. Sat and watched some TV - still in pain. I felt inspired to write some music. It's in my head. It's simple AND I CAN'T PLAY IT. I am SO frustrated and angry, this happened last time with happy pills, don't say I am losing it again, not my music.

So now I am tired. I'd like to sleep. But she will make it difficult. Best to wait until she has slept.
What a wretched existence. What's the point?

Friday.....

.. these days brings dread. A weekend. At home. It is daunting. How will I fill the time?

Today started out ok but went a bit downhill. I did ok this morning at work but went into town at 12. It happened AGAIN my head felt heavy I got very very confused and felt outside of myself. I struggled to do the simplest thing, buy a sympathy card for my mum's neighbour who lost his wife a few days back. Then I thought that I would face up to it and try to walk around the mall for a bit. Just as before everything got louder, blurred and echoey. Now I am worried. If this happens each time it will reinforce the feeling and turn it into a phobia. If I avoid going, well it becomes something I don't do because I am scared - ie a phobia. Neat huh? How do I work around that.

I still have a lot of pain which seems to get worse if I sit. If only I could take painkillers.

Now I have a challenge, which is not to cut all weekend. I put off my blood test till monday - and I want my arm to be nicely healed again. It's the latest I can have it cos I see the doc on thursday to have my head examined.

All for now
Auntie A

Pain!

Yesterday was characterised by extreme pain caused by the prostate. It reached an unbearable level and I can't take pain killers because of the happy pills. I had a struggle getting to sleep.

There was also a major row with the wife and stepson. She (who has this written down explicitly) denied he had two phone contracts - despite the fact he has two numbers two direct debit etc. She refused to understand what I was saying on purpose. She has overridden me and said he can go back to college, which means he won't be able to pay back his debts. Then she washed her hands of the problem and dumped it back on me.

I had a slightly better day at work though, although I still had some panic and depression it was a bit better, plus I achieved some stuff which puts me back on schedule which helped.

In the evening (after the row) I did some more work on 'Out of Body' and have made a test pressing of the whole album, I am lgoing to listen on the way to work today.

More later
Ally

Selfish person.....

.. that's me. I still have a picture of J with tears welling up in her eyes when told her about the valium. I texted her this morning and apologised. She wrote me a sweet kind text back saying how she was worrying about me, how she cared and how she wished wasn;t on the happy pills. She thanked me for being her friend. I nearly cried right there in the office. But I still know I am selfish, I have this vortex around me that messes me up but also hurts anyone who gets near.
Thing is today I did feel a bit better apart from lunch time when a visit to Tescos brought on another mild panic attack). When I say better I mean mentally better. Physically I am in agony. The prostate is really really hurting and I can't take any painkillers. I'll have a hot bath in a bit , that sometimes helps.

So today I resumed my walking round the lake regime. Earlier today because the nights are drawing in. Less people about too. I sat for 1/2 hour just thinking. Then went back to the car and cut. Not the worst I have done, yet it sent me off my head. I feel physically sick and mentally - well it's hard to explain - desolate? exhausted? alone?

How does this end?

I did a terrible terrible thing....

... I told J about the overdose. I have upset her. I wish I could take those words back, the poor girl was nearly in tears. She has been so kind to me but I shouldn't have told her that. Now she will lay awake and worry the way I do about other people when I know they are hurting. So the hurt goes around in circles.

So once again it's about me me me. I am angry with myself for being so insensitive.

And it's a shame because this evening went well, I feel a fraud actually because I was happy and joking with everyone, like none of this has happened. Then, we chatted afterwards and she weedled it out of me and I told her.

Please God forgive me for the hurt I have caused.

I'm still alive (yet again)

After yesterday's crisis I had a better day at work. At least I got stuff done cos I could think a bit clearer - in fact I worked at a manic pace. There is a lot of pressure and it will be worse tomorrow because the boss gets back from holiday.

Tonight i have a church house group social which I don't really feel like. But I am going because J will be there and she has nagged me to go. I feel safe around her so...

But I still feel a bit panicky, a bit paranoid. But the pressure is lower in my head than yesterday.
Apart from that I have a nasty pain which may be the prostate again. Such a shame, it has not grumbled for a while which has been nice/


More later
Ally

Another Crisis Day PS

Shortly after posting the last entry I collapse on the bed in a sort of sleepy haze which lasted 2 hours. Went downstairs found my cold congealed dinner (ugh) but ate it anyway. Sat down in front of the telly, head still pounding and bursting. She made some snide comment to the kids about how pathetic depression is - it was in response to something on TV but directed at me nonetheless.

The pressure inside built up until I felt I was going to explode. I really felt this time I could take my life. I left the house with pen and paper to write the note and a razor blade to slash my wrists. Drove around for a bit going ever more crazy in my head. After driving miles ended up parked just a few minutes from home. Someone parked up nearby so I picked up my mobile so it would look like I had stopped to take a call (like anyone cared anyway). My son's picture is the screensaver on my phone, I saw him smiling back at me. I couldn't do it. Not take my life. Probably couldn't have anyway actually but not after that. But I did cut myself badly again, very badly. It seems to ease the pressure, like the demons in my head are only appeased by blood. Now I have that weird tiredness again, and she has set up shop in the bedroom doing her work which means I can't go to bed.

Please don't worry about me, tomorrow I will seek help again

Another crisis day

In my head that is. I don't know how I got through today at work. It took me the whole day to do what should have taken an hour. I have such pressure in my head, I am so panicky and so very very tired. I spent the day mainly with my head in my hands or watching myself from outside myself. I don't know if I can bear anymore. I'd have gone home sick but what would I have said to people. I want to cut so badly but mustn't, I have to have a blood test this week and if I turn up with a slashed arm questions will be asked. As it is it looks as though I have permenant scars.

I am really worried about whether I can continue to do my job. I have such ridiculous deadlines and I am under a lot of pressure but I am only able to run at about one tenth speed. If I can think of an excuse I will take tomorrow off. But it is so hard. There are sick forms to complete and don't want this on my employment record. But I am scared will freak out badly at work.

I am sure some of this is the happy pills now, i seemed to ge worse once I started taking them.

Sunday Night....

... and SO tired.

I had an invite to go and see my good friend Andy and his family today. They don't know that much about my double life - I can't face telling them all that. But they know I am being treated for depression and they kindly offered to go for a walk in the countryside with them. They are 5 miles away, the longest I have driven since on the happy pills, it was far enough! I was quite panicky. But it was nice to see them and we had a very good walk through woods and around lakes, it was nice to talk about something other than me me me (I realised today just how self centred I am). But as we walked round I felt the panic setting in again and a kind of wobbly feeling. Odd. We walked for a good hour and a half which was exercise I needed, fed the ducks and watched their children climb trees and scrape knees and do all the usual things.

When you are in a bad place like this you learn to value these short times of pleasure and peace, even though i didn't feel totally at peace inside.

I left them at 7 and came home feeling very weird despite the good day. (I just have to remember how much worse I would have felt if I had stayed in). Having eaten I took my happy pill, sat down to watch TV and had a real sense there was something in my head. Demons, up to no good. Paranoia? Maybe. I had my head in my hands, scratched at my skin with my nails (no blade handy) and tried to wrestle with whatever it was. Weird. I gave up watching TV and got on with some music, I have mixed down some masters of a number of tracks now. I was actually very productive, but the music is emotionally intense and I feel drained now.

So I find I have a dilemma. I am in great emotional and spiritual pain. Very confused, panicky and paranoid, yet somehow I seem to produce my best music in this state. Like my very soul has to be tortured before music can be made. Or is it that I make the music as a way of trying to describe to the world what I am feeling and perhaps somehow let what ever it is out of me.

I know I know, I am not making sense am I. But there is no sense to this at all. If any part of my body hurts I know where the hurt is but when the spirit hurts, the soul, the mind, the very things I assess and relate to the world with cease to function correctly who knows what sense is anymore. Who knows what is rational? The very things I use to assess the pain are in pain which is a paradox I can't unravel.

Sorry for being so baffling
Alice

Sunday morning

I had a bit of a rotten night. At about 3 I was woken (as is usual at the weekend) by drunks staggering and yelling on their way home. Then I realised I had toothache, or to be more precise an infected gum. Agony. But I can't take pain killers because of the happy pills so I had to put up with it. Drifted off to sleep just to be woken by the alarm. Went back to sleep. Woke up late for church, eldest boy leapt into the shower in front of me. Typical. I was very stressed and panicky, but the confidence thing meant I said nothing. So I rushed to church with my keyboard and got there in a terrible state, shaking and panicky but did my best to hide it.

Church actually went well once I got the swing of it although it was a long service. I played The Temptress and Will I Die Today in communion as a medley and was complimented on them. They are beautiful pieces if I say so myself but they have dark origans. Still I am holding on to what Sue said about God being with us even in the dark places, which is why it felt ok to play those pieces in church.

Had a long chat with J after the service, told her about my surreal birthday and my panic attack yesterday. She identified with that because she gets panic attacks too. We also talked about Katie and her latest beau and I pretended not to feel anything about that. But of course I do feel sort of odd about it all. Still although my heart is still playing up over that one at least my head knows what is right and is trying to stick to it.

The other news is I didn't cut myself yesterday which means for the first time in ages I am now wearing a T shirt which is nice. You can still see the scars if you look close but who cares.

A

Apathy and Anxiety

Apathy was definitely today's word. No attention span or will to do anything even though I did try.

First thing I did muster the enthusiasm to get a haircut and I got the barber who makes conversation - and I wasn't feeling chatty. Still it was over quickly. then I paid in a cheque - still ok at that point. Then I decided to go and buy some clothes - and that's when it happened. You know how it is on a TV play or movie when someone is going through some breakdown or other and they illustrate it using effects making everything go blurry echoy and distant. Well it was just like that as soon as I got into the mall. It all sounded too confusing, everything was a blur and I kept crashing into people. Ugh. So I went home. I tried to record some music. Couldn't concentrate that well but then the wife came back with her friend, a patronising woman who I strongly dislike. So I hid upstairs. When she went I came out, tried again to play my music but couldn't concentrate. Nothing on TV. Paced around the house and lay down for a bit.

Then I decided I would go back to town, walking this time, to buy those clothes. I was fine whilst walking then bang, as soon as I got into the mall the same again. PANIC! Wandered around, looked at a few things, got more and more panicky and came home in a terrible state. Got home and my neighbour engaged me in conversation, I watched myself have a totally lucid conversation with her. But it was weird - just like I was watching.

Now I am just sitting doing nothing, I feel like cutting again.......

A

Even keel?

That's what my vicar said I was on today. I suppose I am a bit better. I haven't cut for three days now (though I really want to) and I am cheerful at times - it sometimes seems that I am cheerful when I shouldn't be and vice versa.

I went to my church music practice today and was alright once I was there - although I got panicky before hand once again. I even went over to the vicarage with the others for a few glasses (in my case of orange juice).

So I guess the happy pills are helping a bit. They do however have other effects. I have no sexual function whatsoever now. Nothing works. But then again I have had no prostate pain either and I wonder if there is a relationship between these facts. Even so that is getting to me a lot.

I am very tired though. All this stuff with our eldest has meant I have not been sleeping again. This afternoon I flaked out for an hour on the sofa which was bliss.

So now it is 11.30 uk time and I am home. Her niece is here. Usually we get on but there is a strange atmosphere. I mean even for here there is a strange atmosphere! She doesn't seem to want to talk to me which is odd.

Now I know this is a disjointed update but one other thing happened yesterday which I should tell you. Katie joined my friend list on Facebook. Yes really. But she is seeing someone else, it is serious and there are pictures of them together so it's a bit heartbreaking. I was so pleased initially to hear from her but then I felt hurt again. I think I should have just ignored her but it's done now.

Thats all for now
Hugs & kisses
Alice

Happy Birthday to Me

The printed word cannot convey the irony of that statement. 46 Years on this planet. They are just flying by.

So how was it? Well I woke up early. A pattern I am starting to recognise, I was up for a few minutes, had a shower and a cry. Then I left the house at 7, before anyone was up, went to Tescos and bought doughnuts for the office. Just as yesterday I held it together in the morning, I was again slightly TOO cheerful. My colleague Mike knows what is happening and he commented on this. Once again in the afternoon I fell apart and was home by 4.30.

My younger son was waiting for me with a nice birthday card and a box of chocs bless him. He also had a card from the wife ?!? I do NOT understand why she did that. But I was able to smile for the boy and thanked him like I meant it (which I did).

I am very distant and moody and withdrawn from what little life there is here. So I didn't spot what happened after dinner. She then came in with a birthday cake singing happy birthday?!? I am now totally baffled and my head is in my hands. I invited my youngest to join us and he just screamed at his mother how much he hated her. I have NEVER heard him so angry at her. Clearly while I had been downstairs she had had a go at him probably out of anger about his brother's behaviour which is quite unfair. He had done his homework and was playing a computer game, as with any activity he seems to like she has banned it.

Then the eldest came in. He seems as depressed as me. No card from him or even a happy birthday. Oh well.

Oh and I spoke to my mum who is worried about me, but I held out on the worst details and tried to sound cheerful.

I also spoke to my uncle and told him a little more than I could tell mum. We chatted for 45 minutes and I felt better for it.

Finally after spending more time with my head in my hands I got on with some recording. The track 'Out of Body' is a soundscape which tries to capture how I feel. It must be getting there because I felt physically as well as mentally disturbed after listening to it. It is not going to be light entertainment believe me!

Well that was a bitty disjointed update, but that's where I am.

Ally

My head is going to explode

The headache is unbearable and the despair absolute. Tomorrow is my birthday and I wish it would go away.

I didn't get to walk in the park today, too much arguing with the eldest boy about money . I can't cope, I just wish I could let some of this pressure out of my head. I want to scream, run, hide anything. And now I am this down she can see how I am - and she laughs.

Make it go away please God.

Can this get any worse?

I didn't sleep early last night. Firstly I didn't want to go near her til she was sleeping, she was in a poisonous mood with all the stuff with our eldest. But secondly I wouldnt have slept anyway. So I went to bed at 1.30, waking at 6.30. Before sleeping put some antiseptic on my swollen arm and it has settled down - one good thing.

I felt tearful first thing though I didn't cry. I made the boy (he's actually 19 and should know better) get up and gave him his instructions for the day. Visit banks, jobcentre etc. Then I went to work.

In the morning I was in an odd mood. I discussed the whole debt thing with a colleague and felt OK in the morning. My mood was actually rather more elevated than seemed right given the circumstances. That lasted until after lunch. At lunch time he sent me a text saying the bank wouldnt see him which annoyed me. I started to feel worse in the afternoon, a headache and shivers began to set in - not a cold, this is either the happy pills or the depression itself - not sure anymore. I felt very very tearful and in fact for a second there were tears although I hid them. By 4.30 I just came home feeling wretched - absolutely depressed and ill. I have had enough, I barely have the strength to go on. I challenged him about the bank but apparently they have sold the debt on - not good. He was supposed to phone the debt collection people. He didn't. Now the wife wants to be involved in that phone call anyway. Given her total lack of caring or respect for me I guess I had better listen as well. I have been lied to enough.

So now I feel nearly as bad as I did last week, when descended on Ian and Sue. I have no strength and my judgement is shot, I nearly ran someone down tonight driving home.

I feel ill, desperate and alone. I know this sounds stupid but I could use a hug. This headache is killing me too. I wonder how much I more can take, just feel totally like giving up.

I tried today, really.....

... but today got the better of me.

I woke up. Felt good. Had a shower. Burst into tears - no reason. Bizarre.

Shook myself, picked myself up and dusted myself off then got ready for work.

I needed some information from her about her niece's date of birth for a form that HAD to be filled in. She exploded - give me money so I can leave here. So I stormed out of the house in a rage.

The office was quiet, two people away so I got my head down and did a lot of work. Then at about 11.30 Paul phoned. At work. That never happens. He is really p*ssed off for similar reasons to me. His marriage is breaking up & he has done everything to make sure his wife is set up in a nice home with no mortgage (more than I would have done) but she is still giving him a hard time and trying to get more money out of him. I learned for once that it's not all about me. I have to be there for him too. But it's difficult because she has got stroppy about me calling the house so we have limited means of communicating - hence the phone call. He is hoping to move out really soon - so I will go up and stay with him once he does. We try to cheer each other up (actually we are quite good at that when times are like this). But once I hung up the phone I was kind of shaky. I felt for him deeply, but it also reawakened my own feelings of despair. I spent a while with my head in my hands (hope no one noticed).

I came home, she was in (unusual). She announced immediately she was going out. I did the same. I went for my normal walk but I need to reconsider this walk. It was a route march around the lake. No stopping, real speed walking. Which is OK I guess in itself. It's good exercise. But the real reason was I couldnt wait to get back to the car. To cut. Only I did it bad this time. My left arm has swollen and may be infected. Which means I may end up in casualty tomorrow - then more psychological reports - then I'll probably get sectioned.

But it got worse. I mentioned my eldest (the stepson) had run up £1000 on his credit card. Well his mother got hold of the details and as soon as I walked in the problem was dumped on me to sort out. He actually as far as I can see owes £2000 in various overdrafts, card debts etc. He has moved his bank account for his salary but not his direct debits - a dodge to get at his salary without it paying the debts (he thinks I am stupid). Anyway to cut a long story short he is up to something because he is not as stupid as he likes to appear. So I checked his phone and now I wish I hadn't. No real messages from girls. But one from a boy who said he f**ked really well and one from another boy discussing moving in together into a studio appartment (which of course involves him raising money). Thing is if he IS gay that wouldnt be the end of the world for me - after all I can talk can't I! but his mother would kill him. This sounds awful but I wish he would move out. At least then that would allow me to sleep in a seperate bed to the wife which would be bliss.

Having had the discussions with him about his stupidity (whilst trying to hide my own, in the shape of my gashed left arm) I locked myself in the loo and sobbed again. However I am now angry with myself because I see a snapshot of me as I look from outside. Here's the picture:

It's all about me, I hate my wife for her adultery but I get off with other guys, I'm too weak to finish the relationship yet I keep taking it out on myself secretly hoping that by hurting myself I will get attention. Pathetic isn't it. All that makes me hate myself and that is pathetic too.

Anyway I am going to shower now, give this arm a good wash and hope it settles down. Tomorrow I will try to be better.

A

Am I really here?

A strange title I will explain in a moment.

I think I posted yesterday just after my walk in the park. Something that is becoming an obsession with me. I just have to get out.

As soon as I got back my mood was strange (I think - memory is poor). I had a hot relaxing bath, then cut myself again which hurt for once - not that I care, at least it proves I'm really here. Which gets me to the point of that title. My mood and mind state are now changing, I have moments of confusion, indecision over silly things and panic. Last night went with Ian to the townwide evening service which tends to be quite lively. There were many arms raised and shouts of hallelujah, something I am normally quite happy with and in fact join in if the fancy takes me. But last night I was scared because I know can get really hyper and euphoric in that situation and then I hit the ground hard afterwards. In fact though that didn't happen, instead I got this sense of not being there, as though I were watching on TV or through someone elses eyes. Very strange and unreal. By the end of the singing section of the service I had dug my finger nails painfully hard into my other hand, just trying to feel. I felt very detached and awkward as well trying to converse with others, I am sure they just thought I was being distant or 'offish' but I had genuine trouble interacting.

I do remember the talk at the service. It was on the story of Jesus meeting the woman at Jacob's Well and how he had seen the immorality in her life, but instead of judging her offered her the gift of eternal life. In otherwords the sermon was about grace and I needed to hear it though haven't fully assimilated why yet.

I just about rememeber coming home and I think I watched a prom on TV (or was that Saturday) then came to bed once the bedroom was in darkness (I don't want her to see the cuts - though I am sure she has).

I slept well, although with the strange sense that had had some scary dreams that I didn't remember. I woke early and felt panicky. Work day. Several times I sat alone feeling tearful, I also had a mild panic attack, just a bit of hyperventilating not too severe but annoying.

When I got to work though it was unreal. felt tearful inside but on the outside had to try to interact normally with colleagues. I am sure I messed up my work badly today. I couldn't concentrate, felt alternately restless and ridiculously tired and often had that detached out of body sensation. I was just glad I didn't have to go to any meetings.

At lunchtime, as well as my lunch I bought some more razor blades - so much for not cutting. I felt tearful as I bought them.

So now I am home. She's not back yet. Probably getting knocked up by Frank or Gab or whoever the current prat is she is screwing.I know she finishes work at four and she is never home before six, and Frank works in her office.

NOW to further add to my burdens my not very bright stepson has managed to run up a huge credit card bill (over £1000) whilst earning just a few pounds a week from his student job at McDonalds. Now of course that has been hidden from me though found it of course, in her handbag. Once again its a bailiff letter because he hasn't even made the minimum payments. Now I earn good money and could easily pay it, just as I had to with her stupid sister when she did the same. But this time I won't. I am only good for money here, nothing else so let him pay - or her if she is stupid enough. (I hadn't realised how angry I am about this till started typing).

So that's where things are at the moment. I will walk in a little while. And phone mum to see if she went to the doctors.

More later

Love

Ally

Panicky

I don't feel so good again now. I went to church which was OK ,though I felt a bit panicky dealing with people and was somewhat hyper. The ones I am close to would be shocked if they knew the full story, and I tried to look 'normal' for everyone else. Probably not what I should have done but it's a struggle.
It was a good service, the end of childrens holiday club and it was very lively and cheerful. So I settled down and I was OK. Until I left. As soon as I left the building I got panicky. I remember walking at great speed. I stuck being at home just long enough to have lunch and went out for a walk in the park. I'll be fit at this rate, especiallly walking at the ridiculous pace I walk at.

I spoke to mum on the phone whilst I was in the park, she is not well. Apparently if she lays down she loses her balance and can't get up again. She is also losing weight. I am worried about her.

So tonight I am going to the evening townwide service. I haven't been for ages and again feel panicky, but I will go, it might do some good.

It all seems surreal today

That is - everything that happened over the last week seems odd. Rather embaressing actually. You see I woke up feeling normal which I haven't done in a while, could it be the happy pills are working now? I didn't cut myself yesterday either, which is a bigger achievment than you might think. Of course actually remembering the last week is a bit iffy - I have to read back throught the blog because it's amazing how the mind dulls the memory of feelings, especially painful ones.

Still I am going to church today, I have a day off from playing keyboards so I am just going to sit and 'be'.

More later
Alice

Back from London....

...and I did have quite a good day.

I went to the Tate Modern and looked at the Dali Exhibition there. The more I see of his work the more I like him, but, as is often the case I fell for the picture everyone else walked past. A small picture of a man against a rock called Solitude. It touched me.

However the day was not without difficulty, the happy pills are giving me headaches and I struggled through much of the day with an aching head and neck as well as unbelievable tiredness. I was so determined to soak up the art though that I overcame it.

One of the good things the Tate do is commission musicians to play music inspired by a work of art of their choice. You can then listen to the music on headphones near the work of art concerned. I was taken with four extremely abstract pictures that represented the four seasons. A band called Union of Knives had made a track inspired by these pictures called Circular Breathing. I have to find it.

So now I am home, footsore and tired. The house is empty which is nice. And I feel a little more stable than I have done over the last few days. I hope it lasts.

Ally

Dawning of a new day

I nicked the title of this post from a song I like, but it seemed appropriate.

Last night I lay on the bed at about 8.30 having not managed to arrange an evening out. Next thing I was sobbing then next sleeping. At 11.30 I woke up got ready for bed properly and slept. But it was weird sleep and I had weird dreams. Also she kept snuggling up to me in the night - or did I dream that too. It was weird. Maybe she thought I was someone else.

My son doesn't want to come out with me today so I am going to London alone - the plan is to visit the Tate Modern. But I have a raging headache and the shakes so it's a bit scary. Also my self confidence has plumeted (oh heck I cant spell today). SO I will see how it goes. I can't take anything for the headache becasue of the happy pills so I just have to hope it passes.

more later
A