I took the happy pill. Not quite such a violent reaction as yesterday but I still have this 'thing' in my head driving me. I feel quite manic, I have a strange headache and a strong compulsion to run. I tried to fix up an evening out with J but so far no text back. Thing is I feel safe with her and we will talk about different stuff not this. But I am slightly nervous even about meeting her even so. because I'm not me any more, I'm a bit crazy. Don't misunderstand me I am very passive, wouldn't hurt a soul but even so - am I scary to be with? probably not Sue was happy to see me and coped with me.

I'm just so panicky and feel so crazy and manic. Where to go? where to run it just follows me. I can't do another late night walk can I? it just makes it worse.


I had plans to go to London tomorrow, to look at some art galleries, maybe take in the Tate Modern, or go back to the Dali exhibtion at County Hall. But am losing confidence even to travel on my own.

Oh I forgot to mention (my brain doesnt play back in sequence if it does at all) that I did my normal walk in the park. Round both lakes and the Peace Garden. Sat down in the Peace Garden - there is a nice seat partially hidden by bushes that is very peaceful and overlooks the pond. I thought I sat for 5 minutes but in fact it turned out more like 40 minutes, motionless, staring, thinking and talking to the imaginary Katie in my head.

Then I strolled back to the car. Sat for another half hour, the normal cutting - ordered and careful this time, not the mad slashing of last night.

I am so frightened of my own head. Nothoing seems real nothing seems to be really happening. It's all out there and I am in here, wherever here is.

I did spend a bit of time making my music, putting some finishing touches to Oblivion and wondering which other tracks are up to standard. There is still much work to be done. However low I get I will stil work on it, to lose my music would be to lose the last remaining purpose.

Oh and church music didn't happen tonight. Childrens holiday club are doing the music so I am not needed. A night off. And a sunday off from playing too.

Love as always
Alice

The day after

I haven't taken today's "happy" pill yet. I'm supposed to take them at the same time each day but I am gradually going to move the time on each day until it falls outside works hours. I have to keep my head at work.

Today being friday is a half day at work which is nice. I felt very wired, had my head in my hands at times but was heavily compensating as well, which meant that I worked much harder in between times than I have for a long time. I am finding conversation with my colleagues strange, like it's an effort to appear normal. In doing that of course I think I make myself appear more weird. Also I caught Mike, on of my colleagues, looking at my arm, you can see the gashs even with a long sleeve shirt on cos they are right down to my wrist. He didn't say anything but I wish he hadn't seen. I am so ashamed.

I think I have to admit now that I am having some kind of breakdown.

I know some of the stuff I write here is quite scary, but the alternative is to bottle it and this is a safe release. Knowing that people are reading it (the hit counter is going up) is also helpful. Please feel welcome to comment.

On Sunday I have agreed to go to our townwide church service with Ian. I haven't been much since Katie left but I think it might do some good.

I think there is church music practice tonight. I am a bit nervous about it again ,I will be full of Sertraline by then again and who knows where my head will be. However giving up the church music would be so hard.

One of the things that Sue said to me was very comforting. My mind is often in dark places, sometimes very dark and alone. She said that actually God follows me into those dark places and stays with me. If your not a Christian that won't make sense but I connected with it. That will probably find its way into my music at some point too.

I need to start behaving better too. No men. No cutting. At the moment they are mutually exclusive, I can't do one if I'm doing the other, but I should do neither. I confessed to Sue last night - that was the first step.

Thanks for listening

Ally

Crisis

Firstly as promised I am checking in to prove I am still alive. Which I am. Now I must tell you what happened after the last entry a few hours back.

I took the car to the park and parked up near the lake, where I have been walking most days. I should probably not have driven because my head was all over the place. I felt mildly sick but also very detached from myself, and had a sense of not caring what happened to me.

So I walked - actually I was walking so fast, joggers were only just making enough speed to pass me which was quite amusing. But all the while the pressure in my head was growing and growing. Strangly I did manage to pray, well I threw myself on God really - all sounds very holy but actually it was just plain desperate. I stopped on my usual seat half way around the lake. I knew I could'nt call mum so tried to call Ian & Sue. No reply. I felt even lower, I really needed someone and there was no one. By the time I got back to the car I was frantic. I sat in the car and slashed my left arm open with all my might, how I didn't hit an artery I don't know. but it bled profusely. I have a lot of blood to clear out of the car now. presumably because of the antidepressants I felt no pain, but there was some release of the pressure in my head. It was the worst I have done though and I am scared about it. More and more is required to achieve the same result. Just like any addictive drug. By the way in case you are wondering apart from my little games with valium over the last couple of days I am not and have never been a drug user.

The valium thing mst stop now because of the happy pills - they are seriously incompatible and I may take may life if I mix them, I don't actually want to die.

I got home and (still bleeding) sat calmly in the lounge and watched Eastenders. Can't remember much about it. But aftwerwards I noticed how much blood had soaked through my sweatshiirt- my favourite one - ruined I think.

I called Ian and Sue again. Sue was in and invited me round. I warned her what a state I was in, but she made me welcome and listened to me pour out the most extraordinary stuff about my life and made countless very welcome cups of tea. I can't believe what I confessed - the men, the cutting, everything. I was in a serious crisis and very very frightened. Sue was wonderful , really kind and supportive and slowly but surely my mind state settled down. Ian came back later and I recounted the story - which is scary with Ian because he always challenges me but he is also always wise and always has suggestions as to things to do to help me channel the feelings and problems. Through their kindness and support I am back on an even keel thank God. Through discussions with them I have got some plans for the weekend including either a trip out with my son on saturday or a trip to the Tate modern. On Sunday I will meet Ian and go to the townwide church service in the evening.

They are off to Canada next week and I hope they have a really good time. I will miss them

I am going to bed now (its 1.13 am) so I will probably update tomorrow PM when I have church music practice (I think).

A

PS as an unrelated aside - be careful what you click on amongst blogs at the moment. See the following BBC article http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6970368.stm

"Happy" pills day 1

I took the first one today. What possessed me to take it at lunch time. At work. I am totally messed up now. One minute out of it, the next clowning around and now I have this totally detatched sense of self. Like the depression symptoms only 100 times over. I can't assimilate what people are saying and to be honest even writing this is agonisingly difficult. This all kicked in two minutes after i took the tablet. And I have only taken one so far.

My sense of self preservation has taken a knock, I feel I could hurt myself easily now or worse. My head is muzzy and I feel sick.

How the hell do I cope with this, how do I sort out a seperation/divorce or make right decisions. This is desperate.

I had an idea this morning to try to make an advance on the divorce settlement as she suggested so she could get a place - but arranged through the solicitors so it was all legal and part of the settlement. Now my confidence is so shot couldnt even pick up the phone.

Now I KNOW they take a while to settle down and I will give it a chance. But I won't take any walks near cliff edges at the moment - I don't trust myself in this state.

What I will try in a minute is my normal walk in the park - maybe my head will clear. I will check in later to prove I'm still around.

A

Happy Pills

Well as promised here is the update following the 4.30 visit to the doc.

He was in agreement with the CPN this morning, that I should take some antidepressants called Sertraline to try to lift my mood. So I went to the chemist and got some. However I won't start till tomorrow because tonight I am enjoying the last beer of the condemned man. According to the notes no alcohol whatsoever is to be consumed, neither for that matter is ibuprofen, which is my painkiller of choice with the prostate. To make matters worse they can agrivate urinary tract conditions. I am not looking forward to this but will try - reluctantly.

I couldn't face work between these two appointments so I have been at home, putting a few more bits and pieces into my latest composition ' Oblivion' using some sound samples I gathered in Brighton at the weekend. Making music, especially that sort of music is very emotionally intense and, paradoxically (or however you spell it) I make my best music when my head is in the darkest of places. I played a bit to my son who declared it spooky and hid upstairs!

So I have some decisions to make as to how to move forward. Ideally it would be the one that resulted in her leaving this house but that looks unlikely. I have to consider, however unpalletable it is that I might have to go. I need to think it through - my brain is not in the best state for rash decisions right now.

Hugs and Kisses

Auntie

CPN

In case you don't realise that stands for Community Psychiatric nurse which is who I saw today.
Now I may update more than once today because my head is blanking stuff so quickly that i won't remember anything soon. I had a long chat with the CPN (there was also a Ugandan doctor present - his nationality is significant for reasons that will become apparent).
I went through my whole story, how quickly i had crashed from being perfectly normal and coping (or was that in denial) to the depressed state I am now in. I showed them the cuts, told them about the situation at home, even the violence that I had gone through 3 years back when the wife hit me. They were good and kind and listened to what I had to say. The African doctor's input was interesting because he asked about my wife - I may have mentioned before that she is African and he was keen to know from where and what tribe so I told him (probably best not to share that detail here). He said that women from that cultural background can be extremly violent and that my experience was not uncommon. This ties in with what I have witnessed from other females in her family.

However here is the crunch stuff. Firslty I am suffering from clinical depression that is definite (well I kind of worked that out) but secondly they can't help me because the problem is my home life. Basically if she won't leave I have to - urgently. I don't know how to though - I pay everything here and that costs all my money. Also I do NOT want to walk out on my son, that would make me like my father and push me (in my mind anyway) further over the edge. So I need to work this through. I am considering going back to lawyers to see what my options are, but how do I, with practically no useful short term memory, deal with money grabbing sharks - i.e. lawyers. My last experience that way was not good at all.

So now I find myself in a place where no one can help me until I help myself. But what I have to do to help myself is just too bigger deal for me. I don't know how and I don't think I have the strength.

There is a temptation to pop some more little yellow pills (ran out of blue ones which are stronger) and make it all go away for a while. But I have the ordinary docs appointment later so I need to stay away from that stuff. This morning's doc recommends i go back on anti depressants - he suggests Sertraline http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sertraline which I don't like the sound of. Side effects include weight gain (I am already over 15 stone /210 pounds/ 95Kg), sexual dysfunction - yeah I need more of that NOT, and of course it has the usual SSRI withdrawal symptoms which are nasty. I need some honesty from my doc but really I also need a solution to my problems at home. I can cope with the depression if I am not continuously living in hell.

I will tell more later once I see the second doc (16.30 uk time)

Love as always
Alice

Rumbled

She wanted something tonight so she managed to speak to me. She wanted her sister's laptop set up (I am an IT pro so I get all those jobs). I had intially refused because I am treated like crap most of the time (the sister has done her fair share of that in the past too ) But Alice the doormat relented - however didnt go so far as pirating a copy of MS Office for her - she will have to buy that. But while I was doing that my sleeve accidentally rolled up and the wife saw my bloodstained arm. I got a whole load of insults about how stupid I am. Well I guess I am but hey, no need to be nasty abot it. So now that has gone in her little book and she will doubtless use it against me again like she did last time. Probably i will hear her tell the kids "Your father's gay and he cuts himself'. How callous can you get.

I feel extraordinarily tired again. Not ordinary tired but that kind of shocked tired that I get after hurting myself.

Still I did go for the walk. It was a nice walk but I did a lot of thinking, a few attempted prayers and a lot of useless self analysis. I found a quiet corner of the park and cut myself which felt really good. Then I calmly phoned my mum and reassured her (after yesterdays weird conversation) that I am in fact ok. Good thing she couldnt see me bleeding.

I spoke to my friend who is out of work. He is struggling with life too and I am worried about him. We need to keep talking.

So tomorrow I have to handle the docs and the shrinks. Scary. I may get sectioned if I'm not careful. I will try to update and let you know what happens tomorrow

Love

Alice

back to the grind

Well just for one day. Tomorrow I am off you see. Off to the shrink to have my bumps felt.

So whats the story from last night. Well truth is I don't remember anything after mum called me- it's all blank. Well have to go and check yesterday's blog entry.

Today my concentration has been poor. I have a mixture of sort of detatched feelings and a kind of anxiety that means I have butterflys - not just in my stomach but all over. There have been various situations at work which challenged me as far as keeping my cool is concerned - but the detatched feeling helps _ I just feel sufficiently out of it not to care.

It struck me too that, having begun this blog with such a heavy emphasis on my crazy sexuality I have almost no feelings that way at the moment by that way I mean anyway. I have no interest in male or female intimacy. Odd that. Normally the prostate flare ups cause that but it has settled down again and I am still disinterested.

Driving home I felt the complete out of body sensation that I used to get in my big bout of depression three years back. Almost like I don't really exist.

The other thing I have noticed is how little this is now about my marriage (or lack of it). All of that has been swept into a neat drawer labelled 'denial' and I find myself in a self analytical, self centred state of mind.

Sonow (it is 5.45pm) I have to consider how to cope with the rest of the evening.
ore valium? not sure - I didn't like how I felt yesterday. Another walk? maybe. The wweather is nice and I can phone mum from outside the house. You see my stepfather phoned me at work today, apparently she was frantic after last night's weird call - so need to stay off the downers at least until then.

i also have tomorrow to contemplate. CPN appointment in the morning. I will be run through a standard assessment procedure and they will squeeze me into a pidgeon hole somehow. Although my desire not to take antidepressants may cause them a problem. In the afternoon I see the doc - this is the appointment I am not sure about - I think it's for my crazy head too but it might be the prostate - don't remember. We shall see.

I will update after those appointments (9.30 am and 4.30 pm uk time)

Love
Auntie

oops I did it again

More mothers little helpers. Dunno how many tongiht but I am well out of it.
Just spoke to mum she accused me of being drunk - good thing she doens't know
I can hardly stand, keep crashing into things - well off my head. Bliss

Alice

Still alive (again)

Well I suppose the one good thing was I caught up some sleep. I had already crashed out on the sofa for several hours yesterday. Putting together the pieces I took the valium at about 4pm and by 5 I must have been out. The wife blissfully ignorant(or maybe not) of what I had done went out and left me for the evening. A bright light woke me kindof andI came to at about 11.
I remember thinking it was THAT light - the one you walk towards.

Went up stairs to the bedromm - still blissed out and confused. I remember breaking down in tears and she told me to shut up because she wanted to sleep.
Came down. Channel surfed til 1am. Slashed my arms quite badly. Went to bed - unconscious again immdeiatelty.

So this morning I woke up at 7.30 feeling hung over and spaced out. I went for a walk in the park. Difficult because my legs felt like lead (even my hands do typiing this).

I am still questioning this morning if I wanted to die and the answer is I don't think so. I just wanted to make the day go away. Trouble is it's a new day now and it's just starting.
A

conscious

I freaked sometime today - took about 30mg of valium - all i could find. have been comatose apart from weird dreams all afternoon 0 came too at 11 pm very groggy.
Tried to talk to her she doesnt give a shit - just told me to go away because was spoiling her sleep.

I wish hadnt woken up it was a really blisfull state - is death like that?

I cut myslef to ribbons trying to feel again. nothing. no pain but loads of blood.

wish i had succeeded - after all none of them are my family they dont give a shit. Im better off dead
A

blissed out

Not sure what is happening now. ive tkaen some valium. Quite a bit. I'm out of it. the wold will go awa=y now my mind is numb confused. I dont care i may take some ore. Im prertty muchh of mye head . wondr how it feels to cut in this state. going to try. beyond hel just need to get out of my head,
ally

Sunday

It was slightly better today. don't think I cut yesterday did ? I don't remember.
I played in church this morning and at least felt my normal self and played better. Not too manic. In fact I felt a bit of a fraud. Except that now I feel really low again. Her niece is back with us now. She is a nice girl and an innocent party in all this. I am quite glad to see her because at least sshe is a moderating influence.

But still nothing is changed. I really ought to do something about this marriage. I also need to get the heating fixed, the dishwasher and the woodwork replaced on the garage. But can't be bothered in equal measure with any of them.

What do rememeber yesterday was going on one of those long walks. I think I mentioned it before. There was something sad though. On my way round walked past a nice pub that held a memorty because it was the night after Katie learned about my sexuality and I came out to some other friends. It wa a nice evening, a hot summer night all the more pleasent because felt honest again. The sad thing was however that the pub burned down earlier in the year and I walked past the site. There were still signs up for quiz nights and sunday roasts, but the place was a ruin. It made me sad and seemed somehow quite symbolic.

Wednesday grows closer and I am worried about it. Firstly I don't remember who my appointment is with. It just went straight through my head and out the otherside. Still I know where and when so hopefully it can be sorted out.

I feel a right fool for telling the vicar and the doc about my self harming. After all I am a guy in his forties.

Something got me mad yesterday. I did some research into an organisation called Christian Voice who were protesting at Pride. It turns out they are a right wing organisation who are more interested in homophobia than the word of God. They rant incessantly about gay people - even using the word queer in its most insulting context. Where is the love of God? They say they were pelted wth bottles and cans at Pride. I saw no evidence of that and it woud have been hard because they were completely ringed by police.

Anyway thats all for now I am sure I will find more to witter on about later. can say what like, no one reads it
Alice

Failure

Today I feel I failed.

I took my son to Brighton. He wanted to go. We went by train cos it's bank holiday weekend and I didn't fancy drivign and getting stressed in traffic. But the train wasn't a popular decision.
All he had wanted to do was walk along the beach which suits me fine. But it was a hot day and before we even got to the beach he wanted to come back. Nothing I suggested made any difference. He didn't want to do anything. The only thing we did nice was bought him a tee shirt. We got there at 12 and by 3 we were on the train home. The thing is HE feels he let me down because he was disinterested due to the heat and I feel I let him down though I can't rationalise that.

So we came back. She was out. Eldest didn't know where. I slept having divested myself of the roasting hot long sleeved sweatshirt I was wearing to hide the cuts. I woke at 7 and she still wasn't back so I started (with low motivation) to cook. She bowled in at about 8.30 skipping and laughing,dumped loads of stuff in my way in the kitchen and stared disapprovingly at what I was doing. By this time I had demolished half a litre of beer, something which normally makes me feel mellow but on this occasion made me quite agressive. So I shouted at her, made some noises about her taking care of her family rather than sleeping around. We had my burnt offering of a dinner and she started shouting at the eldest. Feeling myself about to explode inside I went out and walked. And walked. And walked - I walked for an hour and a half - looking for somewhere to hide to cut myself. I found nowhere. But everywhere I went there seemed to be parties and laughter. That just made it worse. When I got back she was still shouting, I nearly screamed. So that's where I am now, I am in here typing this, she is now in the kitchen washing up resentfully. Slamming things around.


So I should tell you about last night. I did go to music practice, but I was very manic to begin with. I had tried (whilst the house was empty) to cheer myslef up with lots of lively music and dancing around. All that did was made me manic. My playing at church was pretty manic too. I wonder if they noticed. Then we all went back to the vicarage for a drink. I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. That's because last night I was sensible enough (unlike tonight) to realise it would mess with my head. I was quite subdued, but it was nice because J was there so I had someone to chat to. The guys in the band want me to go on the three peaks challenge next year. They think it will do me good. I'm not so sure. I know they are trying to include me but I feel kind of on the edge of that crowd, and also I am just not fit enough. I would probably keel over on the first slope.

The vicar gave me a real talking to afterward. He is really kind but also quite firm. He told me he had spoken to my "wife" she had told him it was all about her happiness and not anyone elses. He told her that was wrong. She told him I was a nice man and the only way to stop me being nice (which apparently she can't handle) is to be nasty. How does that figure? Doesn't make sense. Anyway I am nasty back. I call her all the whores in babylon under my breath. I never hated anyone really but this is as close as it gets. I keep thinking of that track "I hate you so much right now".
A

Friday update 2

Church music practice in 50 minutes and I am having a mild panic attack. Why? this is what I love. But I am scared, scared of feeling like I did last week. Scared of not being the person they think I am, just scared.

So of course I cut myself. Which makes me feel more panicky about going.

Just after I wrote the last blog entry the phone went. It was the Psychiatric Nurse. They want to see me next wednesday. I am worried about that. I declined the mindbending chemicals and that was queried on the phone. So they will try to force me to take them. If they do I will run. FAST

friday update

Well we did do the music last night and it went quite well. I played Ian Oblivion but he was trying to make light of it - probably didn't wnat me to get too heavy.

Slept at 1 am and was woken at 4 in the middle of a weird dream about Katie. I dreamt we were together again and she kept hugging me. You don't need to be Freud to work that one out.

I am still in a strange altered state, kinda depressed, kinda out of it. I am becoming very self-analytical (bad sign) and feel sort of detached. I still hurt myself and no longer know why. It doesn't help anything but I just can't stop now. Am I crazy? probably. Iam accountable to my doc and my vicar about it but it doesn't seem to help. Not going to tell anyone else, wish hadn't tole them..

The prostate is cringingly painful today, and a nasty pain in the balls to boot (actually they feel like they have been booted) and everything else is aching in sympathy. I don't feel like doing anything, I just wish I could escape it. I am scared to have the op, does it even work? and it will stop everything from working permenantly - which no one seems to care about. The op is hte next stage on the NHS conveyer and if you don't follow the course they have mapped outfor you they just drop you like a hot potato.

So now we are at the beginning of a bank holiday weekend. I am dreading it. Her presence in the house makes the place totally unpleasant and the thought of being cooped up with her is not one I relish.

I have been toying with this fantasy of running. Just going off somewhere to hide. But where? I thought of just taking off in the car and sleeping in the back seat. Not tell anyone where I am. Let them miss me (if they notice). Not healthy thoughts and only cowardice (as usual) prevents me from doing it. But I just might. Maybe. Perhaps tonight.

Alice

another day what's to say

The prostate is back with a vengence. I could do with out this wretched nagging pain. It is not helping.

I got up early today, got to work for 7 which was nice because I can finish at 4 if I do that. And I starte out feeling OK but I have slipped down as the day progressed. I have a morbid interest in reading about depression, medication and various things - none of which helped. By 4 I was totally low. My head felt muzzy, my legs heavy and I could not concentrate. Finding no compelling reason to go home I went into town and wandered around the mall. As soon as I got in there I was scared. Scared of all the people and somewhat confused and vague. I bought some herbal sleeping tablets - though dont know what I did with them. But there is valium in the bedroom - quite a lot between mine and hers. I am tempted to get wasteed on it - but i am resisting.

Tonight I am supposed to be recording with Ian, he's coming at 7.45. I hope things are stable here. I feel very low. Not creative at all. And I don't even have the will to want to feel better.

A

The bitch is back

More's the pity. It looks like this was a business trip. Although her phone is full of calls to Frank AND Gab (who as far as I know is the previous bit on the side).

I haven't spoken to her yet. She is dancing around the house making whooping noises and generally acting stupid and I don't want to go anywhere near her.

Today I felt depressed all day. I spent the afternoon looking at the clinical side effects of valium. Why was I doing that? something inside me seems to be tempting me to start popping downers again. I have 20mg left - but she has a supply in her cupboard from the doc. I know that would be crazy but they look tempting. It also begs another question why does SHE have some anyway?

It is pissing down with rain and it appears to have gotten dark especially early. There goes today's walk - although I might still go - one of my night time 5 mile route marchs like I used to do. But what with the rain and her being here feel have no place to exist

I don't hate her you know - not real hatred. But I do have an absolutely bottomless anger towards her. Someone who is not wired like me could hurt someone with half that anger. But not me. I couldnt touch her. But myself - that's a different matter isn't it - I am fair game - I can hurt myself as much as I want.

The other question I am wrestling with is do I go back to the solicitor? I want it done and dusted, finished completely. But I know I will get stitched up. does it matter? I've been hurt every other way what difference will one more make.

Before wrote this I took a slice out of my arm again, it has stopped bleeding now. I don't understand why but actually feel proud of myself for doing it. Hey look at how strong I am I can take all this pain. Doesn't my arm look spectacular - I bet you couldn't imagine doing that! I toyed with the idea of posting a picture of it up here - just so you know I am for real - but that seems wrong somehow - I wouldn't want a child to see it.

I tried to record some music earlier. Creativity and inspiration are gone, as is technique and ability.

Oh and did send my update to the vicar last night. havent heard back. What I wrote was weird, a very watered down version of this - after all it wouldnt do to sound to pessimistic. I need to sound like I am trying.

The prostate started hurting again today. Kind of fitting - I have felt like I have been emotionally kicked in the balls for days, now I feel like I have been physically kicked there too.

I feel sorry for the people that love me. Mum, the boys, JN and JR, Paul etc etc. I know how it feels to watch a loved one crash and burn (remember Maureen, Katie etc) truth is it is that (and cowardice) that stops me ending it.

I wondered today why I type this stuff, no one know knows about it, and I know from the stats that no one reads it. Maybe, secretly, I want it to be discovered by someone (apart from her of course), maybe I need to be called to account for some of what I say and do. I tell you what though, I am more truthfull because I know that the Katies of this world aren't reading this.

Alice

End of the day

She's away. An evening without her! bliss!

Of course she still managed to hurt me. Just after I posted the last entry in here at lunchtime I went up to the bedroom. She had forgotten (accidently or deliberately?) to take her hand bag. Two more condoms. It hurt just as much as before and I spent the rest of the afternoon unable to concentrate for more than 5 minutes at a time. The pressure in my head building fast. Somehow I manage not to let my colleagues see how I am - although how long can I hand my slashed arms? I got home, couldn't cope with anyone. Went upstairs and searched again. A few more letters and diary entries but nothing significant. I am getting obsessed with this!.

No walk today. I had to cook for younger son. Or at least we went for a chinese - I couldn't find the energy to cook. So I ate too much and I feel like a hippo now. No cutting yet today though - maybe I can make it through, but I'm not in bed yet.

Spoke to mum, she is getting worried about me although I am guarded about what I say. Spoke to Paul, he has just moved into his new house - or at least the house that will become his wifes. He has an offer in on a house elsewhere. We somehow managed to make each other laugh despite our misfortunes.I like Paul, he's a good friend.

The prostate, which has been quiet for three days now is starting to grumble again - every time it stops hurting I think it's over - then it starts again.

No music recorded today either. So not much achieved - except a bit more weight put on.

I'm supposed to update our vicar with how I am, so I ought to send him an email

Love

Auntie

I don't care.....

... that no one reads this. I am still going to carry on, becasue this helps me if no one else.

Last night I over did it. I cut myself badly. Also there is a disturbingly different pattern to it. Now it is almost subconcious, not a reaction to a situation, it's just something I do. What is shocking is that when I do it I rationalise it totally. It doesn't feel wrong, in fact bizarrely it feels good. But like any addiction it takes more and more to get the same hit. Last night's cuts ,whilst fewer were much deeper and the pain woke me this morning,

Today (at least this afternoon) I seem to be more conventionally rational. Last nights behaviour seems odd, and I am concentrating better at work. Tonight should be better, the tart is away and it's just me and the boys. Apparently she has gone to Leeds on business. Maybe she has, but here lover is in her office - have they gone together? The trouble is I don't trust her and assume the worst.

I did a bit more music last night, just a bit nothing too inspired, Oblivion is now finished and I made a post on my Myspace blog hinting vaguely at darkness in my life at the moment.

Hopefully I will get time to walk later but I have to cook. Maybe my youngest will come with me, then at least I will have to act rationally

A

Back to work

I went back today. I have barely the concentration to drive TO work let alone do anything once I get there. It was awful. I did nothing, achieved nothing and in fact barely inderstood my job. I have that detached feeling I remember from before. Nothing matters, nothing is really happening, do I really exist?

I stayed at work late even so. I can't really face coming home either. On the way home I stopped off at my friend's parents to drop off an anniversary card. Golden. 50 years. 50! How is that achieved? I kept my 'ok' face on and they suspected nothing, but under my shirtsleeves my arm was stinging.

I came home and hid in the bedroom because wife had the nextdoor neighbour in and I couldn't face anymore play acting. Then I went out.

The plan behind going out was to walk around the lake again and try to talk to God. But it was harder than yesterday and I soon gave up. It just doesn't work for me at the moment. Still i will keep walking because that's the only act of faith I can muster at the moment. Maybe God will even honour that gesture.

But of course I didnt mention one thing - the thing that has become an addiction. As strong as any drug. I had a blade with me and I sat in the carpark and cut myself a few more times. Just to see the blood. Feel the sting and get the rush. I feel less angry at least because of it, although I have that sense of being in shock again. I had a close shave too. Just as I was doing it a police car came past, slowed down. They even peered in through my window. I kept my hands down and they drove off. Even that was a buzz.

Now I am upstairs, avoiding going down. I don't want to face the boys, or listen to her endless bitter twisted taunting. I may go out again later.

Oh I forgot to mention, I came home at lunchtime today. The boys were here, the house, predictably was devastated but I couldnt be bothered to nag them to tidy up. Then the eldest said to me. Mum is going away on business for a couple of days. Yeah right. Business with Frank no doubt. (I found her contraceptive pills today - and threw them away - what a bastard). I am angry that she got him to do her lying for her. She doesnt even have the guts to tell me herself.

Ok I may eat now

A

Crazy

The long dark night of the soul, that's what he called it. When everyone else is sleeping and only you and your demons are awake. Tormenting you, taunting, laughing at you. The pressure is so great, its like I am going to explode, I'm so scared.

She started on at me tonight so I left the house, but I couldn't get hold of anyone. I am trying not to be too much of a burden to people so I am spreading myself around a bit, this time I tried to call Paul. Engaged the first time, no answer 5 minutes later. They must have been just going out. But it was probably just as well, he has problems of his own anyway, he doesn't need mine.

By that time the blood was everywhere. I had stopped in a laybye and gashed my arm open again. It looks awful and I think there is blood all over the car. I get a strange kind of tiredness when I am in this state, it's beyond sleepiness - reminds me a bit of being in shock. I shouldn't have driven like that, and I won't again. I'll walk next time.

Still look on the bright side - I won't be taking my clothes off with strangers for a while, it will do me good to behave!

I have work tomorrow and I don't know how I will cope. The pressure there is enourmous and the bosses delight in making you feel insecure - management by threat.

I want out. Out of all of it. Work, home, I just want to be a dependant child again. Safe and secure, someone else doing the difficult stuff. I want to be cuddled, held by strong arms and loved. But what is love, I have been betrayed so many times I can't allow myself to love again.

Alice

Sunday

After yesterdays successful music practice at church I thought I would be OK today. I was fine until 10 minutes before the service. Then I felt faint. My stomach was in knots and I felt so hot. I tried wandering out into the fresh air, opening some windows, it didn't help. I think my body is rebelling now.

I got through the service though, and my friends were kind to me, they listened to my story, offered me hope and comfort. This was kind, overwhelmingly so. I feel so loved there. Our vicar spoke to me afterwards too, he offered me a spare room should I need it, he prayed for me and was very kind and affirming. I feel more honest about accepting his words now the self harm secret is out.

I took up his suggestion, walked around the lake for an hour, tried to pray. It was hard. Distracting thoughts and sounds filled my head, but I managed to pray for a bit, and again felt loved.

But I am home now. I am downstairs, she is up. If I go up, she'll come down. Sometimes I go up and down again and again just to see her do the opposite. It's so childish. I am so childish - in every way.

The problem with the self harm is it quickly becomes a strong and dangerous addiction. I cut last night because it felt good (yes really it does) not because I was angry. And I went to sleep with an old towel wrapped around my arm to catch the blood.

I looked again at the docs appointment - it's not this wednesday, it's a week wednesday. How am I going to last that long. And it's work tomorrow too. Can I face going in, for that matter could I face not going in. I wish someone would come and manage my life for a bit. I'd like to hand over all responsibility and just be taken care of, looked after like a child - is that pathetic?

Thought? was it the cutting that made me feel faint this morning? I didn't bleed that much


A

Accountability and Avoidance

Today started off quite heavy.

I woke up and realised I was laying in bloodstained sheets. How to deal with it? I tried to sponge it dry. No luck. Made bed, invent cover story about nosebleed. If she sees the blood self harm will be the first thing to cross the wife's mind , and she will use it unmercifully to hurt me.

It was church music practice today. The whole gang is back and we practiced at 10. When I am playing I am far away from the hurt, and I started to feel a bit closer to God again.

Then I spoke to the vicar. I was honest with him, told him about the self harm and everything. He prayed for me and I blubbed a bit. During the chat J (a female friend) came in, and wandered off again (good thing she did - I couldnt cope with her seeing me cry). The prayer made me feel better, a bit more calm. I went home, and marched off into town to get anniversary cards for some old friends. My walking style was literally a routemarch, so fast no one could catch me. I got to town and bang, more flashing lights in front of my eyes.

I managed to buy the cards and the walk home seemed to clear my head, except I stopped on the way to call J. We arranged a lunchtime beer (coke for me) and met at 1.30 It was supposed to be a lunchtime beer but we left the pub at 3.40, went back to hers, chatted, listened to music and eat pizza. Nothing happened, we just kept each other company, talked about loves lost and vague hints of my rogueishness. I have not come out to J, but it got damn close today. She told me about her lost loves - by name. What was I to say? I quick bit of subject changing on my part. I am not going to make the coming out decision whilst in this frame of mind.

I left J's at nearly 8, we had a nice day together and I could have stayed longer, but it seemed right to leave then, and the later it gets the riskier it feels.

So now I am back, I walk into the lounge, wife walks out and goes to bed. At just after 8 on a saturday. Still at least she's not out knocking about with random men (mind you I do that - hypocrite alert).

I am inexplicably tired - its 11.30 but I have been painfully tired since I got in and will go up soon. I have this nagging feeling that my head still isn't straight and there maybe more episodes to come. Best try to sleep.

Alice

xx

Ok so don't trust what I say....

I went to the doc about the prostate today and it all came out. I told her everything, and I am now on the aformentioned NHS conveyer belt. Urgent appointment with the shrink because of the self harm.

She wants me refered to the urologist for the prostate too - I think I agreed to that somewhere in the haze.

So how did we get here.....

This morning started off well. I took my youngest for a long walk in the park - he loves nature as do I and we enjoy each other's company so that was good. We got home and I realised there was no food so we went to tescos. We had done most of the shopping and I bent down to pick up a packet of biscuits. When I stood up I couldn't see. So there I am, in Tescos, trolly full of shopping, 12 year old in tow and functionally blind - well I could see, but it was all bright colours and distortion. A migraine. But that was the most intense aura I have ever had and the most sudden. My lad packed the shopping and I we loaded the car. I sat until I could see enough then we kindof liimped home, driving very cautiously. He and his brother unpacked the car and made lunch. They were great. I have been very distant and out of it all day, typical migraine hangover, and still feel confused even now. So it was in that state of mind I went to the docs.

Having confessed all and got on some or other track in the NHS mental health system I came out feeling wretched and very alone. I tried calling Paul, Richard and Ian but couldnt reach anyone. I have avoided calling family at the moment cos I don't want to cause mum any more worry. So I was then alone and feeling very wretched. I lay on the bed not sleeping for a while, and the hours passed. I sat down tried to watch Eastenders but couldnt concentrate. I went upstairs and cut myself again, this time quite badly, there was lots of blood. I am ok, but this is bad. Eventually I got Ian on the phone and went to see him which got me back on an even keel. I tell Ian a lot but could not bare to mention the cutting.

Tomorrow I have music practice (can I really cope with it?) still I get to see our vicar hopefully. I need a long chat to him and I need to be honest.


A

The genie is out of the bottle again

Self harm is an extraordinary thing. Last night I was in despair, I felt like my head was going to explode with anger and desperation. Yet a few cuts seem to relieve the tension, it's like lancing a boil, suddenly some pressure is relieved and I feel better. To those who don't know (which hopefully is most people), there is no pain, in fact I always think I haven't done anything, it feels like I lost my bottle before making the cut, then suddenly it bleeds like crazy. Sorry if this is shocking, but this is how it is.

The trouble is (as the title of this post suggests) once I start this thing it is damn hard to stop again. It is as addictive as any drug, possibly more so. And I know it is dangerous too. And just like drug addiction you do your best to conceal it, blood is cleaned, long sleeves are worn.

I don't know how this ends this time, last time I confessed to the doc and went on the NHS mental health treadmill. This time I won't do it. Why not? Firstly they put me on antidepressants last time and they really did mess with my head. I was like a zombie and lost all my creativity. The withdrawal was wretched too, terrible nausea, a strange sensations in the head and auditory hullicinations when I was trying to sleep. And secondly because the CPN is a friend of my wifes, now I don't care HOW professional she is, and I have no reason to doubt her integrity, the fact remains that I am not comfortable with it.

sinking fast

She is out with Frank - again - and being quite brazen about it now. And the thing she said about my youngest - me not being his father - has sunk in. I am hurting really really bad and there's no one to call. I can't tell my mum, it would finish her, I thought of my uncle, but that means he has to keep a secret from mum - that's not fair. Paul is going through turmoil of his own, its the vicars day off and Ian is out too. That leaves two people at church, both female - so that becomes too risky (not that I am safe with males either). So I am alone. My son is downstairs watching the Simpsons and I am up here crying and cutting myself.

IKNOW I am pathetic, so I don't need to be told.

Her sister phoned tonight - asking about her whereabouts. So I told her. "With her boyfriend".

I can't see a way out - she blocks anyway forward or back. Basically she wants me to pay for her board and lodging while she goes around with every guy in sight. How can I stop her?

No obvious title

Well I survived the first night without sleep. Only to have another one. She demanded her condoms back (I noticed from her phone there had been a number of calls to Frank - the boyfriend) - she had met up with him and discovered them gone. For half the night she kept up the give me my money routine. I lost it at about 3 am called her a tart and spat in her face. Ok so now I AM a hypocrite. And yes I hate myself so you don't have to hate me. That was so out of character and I am shocked at myself. But I am hurting bad and have no release for the pain and anger.

So yesterday (after being effectively awake for 48 hours) I took the boys for a day out in London. We looked round the London Aquarium which was OK - my youngest loved that - despite the queues. Then we looked around the Salvador Dali exhibition next door, which my eldest wanted to see. The youngest liked the art but was too foot sore by then to enjoy it. I really connected with Dali - he was a rogue too. And he painted a picture - the Wine Casks in his Don Quixote series that really connected with me (I will post my Temptress poem at some point which seems to connect to that picture). Also a bronze sculpture of a unicorn piercing a wall with its horn, leaving a heart shape and a trickle of blood. Underneath was a beautiful naked woman in bronze with black hair. Sleeping. Protected by the unicorn. It was amazing. They had a smaller replica on sale - for nearly £1000! I could have thought about buying it - but the girl's hair was not black - how could they get that wrong?

Dali's art prompted me to carry on recording my latest track - Oblivion. It's a monstrously dark soundscape, an expression of the terror of death. It needs something though - because it's not quite working yet.

I had a liason arranged with a guy last night - but I stood him up. I felt so hypocritical that I couldn't bare to go through with it. Instead I went to see some friends and had a good chat.

Oh Katie has a new boyfriend. He looks like Gerry Adams! Scary. I hope it works out for her - although seeing his picture posted on line didn't exactly cheer me up because I still love that girl.

So last night I did sleep. Eight whole hours. I feel a bit better physically. But mentally I am still in tatters. I am going to confront Frank tomorrow. Not sure what good it will do, but I want him to know how I feel and what I think of him.

PS if ANYONE reads this, please leave a comment. I'd just like to know I'm not talking to myself.

A

Don't panic I'm still alive

Although I had no sleep at all. Whatsoever. We at least not until she got up and went to work - then I had an hour. During which I dream't variously that all my teeth fell out and I got mixed up with some strange sex crazed community. I woke up relieved that the former hadn't happened and kind of disappointed that the latter hadn't happened either.

My arm looks a bit horrid, although there is no serious damage, Long sleeve shirts will be worn for a few days.

I need to get a grip somehow or this will kill me. And do I really believe her about my son? Does it matter? If it's true then she's a bitch and an unfaithful one at that, if it's a lie, what makes you want to lie like that, to inflict the ultimate hurt. Oh and how did the conversation start? I was quizzing her about her nights on the town with men (which apparently she has a right to because she's 'not' married to me) and trying to discuss money (which she apparently does have a right to because she 'is' married to me)

Desperation

When I started this blog a week or so back it was just a diversion, just me poking fun at myself i guess - and somewhere to tell the secret stories I couldn't tell elsewhere.

Well tonight it all got nasty.

I had 3 hours sleep last night and it is now 2.40 am. I tried to talk to my so called wife. How do you remain calm when she starts putting cotton wool in her ears (literally) laughing at any point, however serious. But here's the punchline - apparently my younger son, who is so special, who I love so much, isn't mine. So she has taken the last precious thing I had.

UK readers (if anyone at all reads this crap) may be familiar with the plot of Eastenders and an angry young man called Sean. I know that anger, only he hurts other people when he's angry, I hurt myself. Tonight I slashed my arm three times with the kitchen knife. Don't worry I'm not bleeding to death. But neither did I feel pain. I am so angry and hurt and alone now, I have no one to turn to (those friends I do have are away on holiday) and Iam only writing this because the other option was just to run. I've tried that before and it doesn't work.

Help. Please

Is this where it all starts again

I cried today. Couldn't stop. First time that's happened in a while. Then I layed on the bed for what turned out to be an hour. Staring. I have to fight, mustn't give up, I can't fall into depression again.

So why? Well I am on holiday with my son, and today HE rejected me. I had planned a special treat. He loves history so I planned to take him to HMS Victory. For him not me. He said he didn't want to go last night and I think I let my disappointment show a bit. I went out to see a friend and as i left I heard his mother call him arrogant (he is a kind, gentle boy - he wouldn't know arrogance if it bit him).

So today he cheerfully said he would come, but a little questioning revealed he was only saying that because his mother told him to. Result - row with mother - or rather I tried to discuss it and she walked out.

I asked him again and he really didn't want to go so that was that. I don't want to force things on him so we won't be going. Then I went upstairs and sat on the bed. Then I cried, and cried, and cried. It was uncontrollable (what a wimp) . I had a proper pity party as Katie used to call it.

And that's when I really went for it, cos I remembered Katie and cried for her too. How the heck do I deal with feelings that won't go away. It's been more than a year since we spoke and two years since we were together. Clearly she wants nothing to do with me. but I adore her. Pathetic I know, but I don't know how to move on. And don't worry I never let it show in real life - but I have to tell someone - hence, dear reader I am telling you.

So what will do? Probably meet a guy -- that's what I normally do isnt it?

Oh and I nearly forgot, I found the wife's diary with entries from two years ago, sadly the date she really cottoned on something was going on between me and Katie was the date Katie dumped me - such sweet irony.

A

Who am i?

I went to church this morning and led worship. I feel such a hypocryte. I spent last night calling her all the whores and prostitutes under the sun - and then sat in church. So who am I? Am I the bitter and twisted guy who plays around with other guys? the spurned, cuckolded husband? or am I this holy person. I don't feel holy, in fact I am in the grip of anger , bitterness and other nasty things. But if let go of church and God totally, there is nothing. It's the only good thing there is.

Am the only person who lives this much of a double life? which life is real?

Anger Part 2

She rolled in at 2.30 am. Clearly somthing had gone on. She crashed around the house and stayed downstairs just long enough for me to fall asleep again (about 3.30) then she came up and crashed around in ther bedroom.

I checked her purse this morning, two condoms left from a packet of three. What else is there to say.

Anger!!!!!!!!

I spoke too soon in my earlier post. The day ended up crap. The woman formerly known as my wife has gone out with her boyfrined tonight. " Don't wait up, Don't put the front door chain on - I'll be late" I am SO tempted to bolt that door - but the resulting scene will mess with my son's head.

I am struggling with raging anger and frustration. I don't love her. But I can't stand being made a fool of. I have my son here so I will keep it in. All in. I will behave and keep him safe. But what will happen in my head? Outside I will be normal but inside - turmoil, rage. If I don't express myself in words I will explode and hurt myself.

This cannot go on. It can NOT. Why the hell dosn't she actually leave? She keeps threatening to - like it;s something I wouldn't want. The power has gone out of those threats so why not leave?

She is doing her best to destroy me and she is succeeding, I am getting more and more ill, physically and mentally.

A

A slightly better day

I did something today, and felt better for it. I took my son and his best friend for a good long walk on the Sussex Downs. it's times like this I realise that actually the best part of my life is being his dad. We were totally knackered when we got back having done nothing more than walk together. But it was special. I got a lot of thinking time too, while he and his friend were larking about 10 paces back. It struck me that I am actually quite self destructive, running around with guys, playing naughty games furtively. What good can it do me. Sooner or later my two lives will crash into each other and it will all be out in the open. It will destroy me. But more important what will it do to my son. And how will his older brother, my stepson, the most homophobic person I know, react?

It's amazing, my life seemed kind of cool up until now. Until I started writing it down. Now I see something I didn't see before. I am looking for something. Something important. And I am looking in the wrong places. The truth is all those encounters mean nothing. What I seek is that warmth, that love, someone holding me because they love me. And I have already told you when that happened last. So does that make me some kind of sad person. I don't know. Maybe. But I know what I need and it's not a fumble with a stranger. It's real love. And I don't know when I will ever find it

Oh and it just occured to me - I must be feeling a bit better today. Yesterday I struggled to walk the mile into town. Today I walked 5 miles with ease. It's not all bad.
Aunty

This is awful

I shouldn't even be typing now. It makes it worse you see, much worse. Many years ago I got sick in a similar way to now - painful prostate etc. Within a few months of that I got RSI and arthritis in my hand. When the prostate cleared up so did the arthritis. So now my prostate is causing trouble again and I have the arthritis back, worse than ever. I have tried to play keyboards tonight to record a track for my next album but my fingers won't move and are so painful. Added to that, my hearing seems to be deteriorating rapidly too.

If I lose the ability to play and hear music there is nothing left for me. Forgive me for feeling sorry for myself.

Returning to the scene of the crime!

Today I took my younger son out for some genuine dad/son time. Despite cringing pain from the flipping prostate I walked around a nature reserve with him and we had a lovely time. So that was my normal self doing good stuff wasn't it. Except....

It's the first time I have seen that nature reserve in daylight - thats where I met John the first time for a quick (actually quite long) fumble in the bushs. We went there twice. The third time there was a sign up - "Due to 'incidents' occuring this park will be locked at dusk". So we wondered - were we the incident? were we spotted ? oh dear!

Having been there in daylight it is a wonderful place. I have given up outdoor activities - these days I meet John at his flat.

Aunty

Aunties blog - star date 8th aug 07 - AKA WTF?

My normal self has just got back from 3 great days in Norfolk with the family. In times like these Aunty Alice hibernates and normal Paul comes out for a bit (well ok I didnt mean 'comes out' in that sense!) It was all great apart from a grumbling prostate that did its level best to spoil proceedings. In fact I woke up this morning at 6 in cringing pain feeling like crying because the options are progressively narrowing towards having surgery - which will curtail some of my daliances for a while.

On the way up to Norfolk I got a text from Ian (Lets call him Ian S to avoid confusion with happily married straight Ian). Anyway this text was inviting me for a beer at lunchtime. A beer actually means two guys watching porn, and getting down and dirty together - and probably no beer at all. I had to decline on account of being in Norfolk - but I don't know when I will be able to make good on the invite. Which brings me to a question I know you are all asking (well if anyone reads this appalling scanalous tripe). The question is - aren't I irresponsible? seeings as I have something wrong with me. Well no actually, cos (whilst Im not going into the sordid details here) I play safe - in fact totally outside the risk zone - even if I had something I could pass on (I don't) I would not be risking anyone or anything - so there - that's put that straight I hope.

So three days of normailty, being a family guy was nice - albeit with out a loving wife bothering to share the times with me - or more importantly our children.

Then I get home. To a total hate vibe. "Why the hell did you have to come home - why couldn't you stay away?" and that was just what she said to the boys. I had said or done nothing - she just went for me. Now all this makes me angry, and it's an anger that goes nowhere and has no outlet. I fight hard to control it, my vicar has urged me not to respond or start fights with her, I try to follow his wise words. But it is hard and the anger scares me - don't get me wrong I won't hurt her - but three years ago that's how I started self harming - and I don't want to go there again.

But nothing I have said yet is worthy of the WTF? subtitle. That was added because of an email I got. An email from Paul, whose marriage is also like mine holed below the waterline and sinking past. Straight Paul, the one who resisted my advances 25 years ago has just sent me a whole bunch of gay erotic photos - not actually porn but close. Now I hope that's just his sense of humour and that he is not crossing over - because I wouldnt want to get involved with him in that way now, I love him too much as a friend and I know I would lose him eventually if that happened - just like I lost Katie when we got involved. Anyway the piccies were dead hot!

Which brings me onto one more thing (why can't I move on from this?) I still love Katie. I adore her with all my heart. Yet she doesnt want to know me and never will. Going away an relaxing just gives me time to think about her. Now here's a thing. This year someone swept her off her feet and proposed to her. I got the text along with everyone else in our crowd) announcing her engagement. It cut through me like a knife. But I thought and I reasoned and worked out that she needed happiness - it wasn't going to me that gave it to her (bad choice of words sorry) and managed to find peace - I even sent her a text wishing her well. That was all fine - I got my head round it. Then the guy got sick. She rushed him to hospital and effectively saved his life. And he dumped her. Katie is a wonderful human being who has taken more than her fair share of hard knocks. he had his reasons and they are not my business (none of it is really) but that just tore me apart. How could anyone be so cruel? If he knew her at all he would have known how devestated she would be. It tore my heart out in ways I cannot reason or rationalise. Eventually I emailed her and she told me the story. I sent encouraging words and said basically if she wanted to stay in touch reply to the mail, otherwise I would understand she didn't want me involved in her life. She didn't reply. So there. Message received, understood, heart broken again, and once again I make a prat of myself over a girl. The last girl. Ever. Well the last girl I'll love anyway.

Luv

Auntie A

welcome to my diary! AKA Pride and no prejudice

My name is Auntie Alice!
Ok I typed one sentence and already I lied. Because I am very much a bloke. So why auntie alice? well I have always been bisexual since I was anything and when came out to a friend recently she nicknamed me Auntie Alice and the name stuck. In fact I am rather fond of it.
So what else can I tell you? my job is software engineer but I would describe myself as a musician since that's what I love. And here's where things get untidy because I am a church musician and christian - which doesn't fit with the rest of me at all does it? So how does that work? Well I can't change my sexuality - even if I wanted to, but if I let go of my christianity I will feel I have lost hope. So thats how things are at the moment.

By the way I do like girls - its just i like guys too. I have been married for 14 years of which less than four have been happy, the rest of it consists of the woman telling me she is going to leave - but I must give her a cash in hand payment first. So why should do that because then when she has gone she will still claim 50% of everything. I don't trust her at all. Now all that wouldn't be SO bad but I also have to kids, my stepson is 19 and my son is 12. I won't leave them because boys need fathers (see I am not a complete rogue)

So how do I get by? Well I have a few friends on the side (yes you read it right - a few). So lets get into the gossip and I will tell you about them (names changed of course)

First there is Peter, probably my favourite. He is a submissive bi guy who is partial to a spanking and other naughty fun. He doesn't know my full name - that would be risky - his mum taught me at school!

Then there is John. John is nearly 60 and a fully gay man. He is very masculine and wears leather - he is very dominant and my meetings with him are sometimes a little scary and menacing. But then I like sailing close to the edge.

Finally there is Ian (if you have worked out my real identity by the way I just have to say - no not THAT Ian!) He calls himself a straight guy (yeah right!) but is not averse to playing with the odd guy (especially odd guys like me)

Those are my current male friends, though there have been others of course. My first encounter with a guy was 5 years back - in a public park in Woking - in broad daylight - and we nearly got busted!

Then there are the girls. Well actually the only girls see these days are professional dominatrices (no they are not prostitutes - there is no sex). The last real girl was Katie, an apparently holy girl who had some interesting tastes. She had been friends for years then came on to me on MSN - well if wasn't a rogue I would have resisted - but I am so I didn't. Katie ended up over my knee - or at least over a stool for a good spanking. Katie has gone though, she walked out of my life two years ago. I still miss her dreadfully, she was right to leave, I don't blame her but I still adore her. She will never come back so I just have to get on with life. And no we didn't sleep together. Oh and Katie was the friend who called me Alice.

Oh and yesterday I was nearly nearly busted - I met a very nice lady from church - whilst on my way to Gay Pride at Brighton. I am sure she worked out where I was going - seeings as I was completely surrounded by gorgeous gay boys (sadly only in the queue they weren't actually with me!) In fact the train journey was interesting - standing room only and a TOTAL crush I was pressed up against this gorgeous lad most of the journey. He was about 20 with dead straight black hair a few freckles, slim and fresh faced. Pride was fantastic, although I did have some problems (more later). There were some very nice guys and seeing the police leading the procession was strangly moving. When I found my sexuality many years ago Tom Robinson was singing about the police raiding gay pubs and beating the customers - now they are marching with us.

So how do I cope with this double life? The answer is I don't always. Three years ago I was clinically depressed, popping SSRIs and self harming. Yet since Katie went and I got off the antidepressants I am determined not to go back there. Now I am me for good or bad. The wife can't hurt me much as she tries.

Now I mentioned problems. I have a nasty problem called prostatitis which is very painful. It's caused by stones in the prostate and it gives me a lot of grief. Yesterdays walk around Pride set it off badly and I had to come home early . I'm supposed to have an op but I am a coward, I don't want people poking up inside me - and I don't want my future sex life messed up. Which the op will do. But then so will the problem - so I don't know what to do and it is stressing me out . ANd of course the condition is also triggered by stress.

Well I typed all this and didn't mention music -what an omission! I have played in bands, I play in church (believe it or not) and I have made several CDs. They are all instrumental and are influenced by my crazy life. I am surprised no one ever asks me about the titles - eg The Temptress, Concerto for Alice etc. All the titles have hidden messages and in some cases the tunes too - the Temptress is a very seductive piece and is not about a specific person but rather that little demon that lives inside you (or at least me) that tempts me to behave so badly.

So I could tell you about some of the other loves in my life. Actually I only really loved three people although I did get obsessed with some others. So we can forget the obsessions and just cover the loves. The first was Paul. I loved him from aged 13 and eventually came out to him when I was 21. That was the most agonising time- I loved him so completely and he turned out to be straight. Yet he didn't abandon me and remains my dear friend to this day. We were best men at each other's weddings and we now pour out our hearts to each other about our respective failing marriage.

The second love was Maureen. I didn't know her very long, there was no sexual attraction, I just adored her. You see Maureen was very special. She was misunderstood, one of the beautiful people, far too beautiful for this world. And by beauty I am referring to the complete person not just the looks. Maureens heart was so wonderful, she had so much love (yet was so cynical about the word you couldnt use it in front of her). I tell you the important stuff first, but you should know she was also a heroin addict (and anything else she could get hold of). She accepted me instantly and we used to compare our preferences for guys. I owe her so much. In the few months I knew her she helped me grow up, and understand a different point of view. She also gave me my first hug in real love (excluding parents in childhood of course). I miss Maureen so much. She died six months after I met her and remember her funeral to this day.It was a full Catholic mass - she was Irish, and a total atheist but her family wanted the full works. I never cried - I was just too stunned.

And my last love of course was Katie. Another beautiful person - in every sense of the word, yet inside a sometimes troubled person. I still adore her but we never talk now, because her christianity is strong enough that she can't allow herself to be in love with a married man. I held her once only - it was as precious as that first hug from Maureen.

Well that's a lot of gossip for one session, tune in soon for the next juicy installment!