I took the happy pill. Not quite such a violent reaction as yesterday but I still have this 'thing' in my head driving me. I feel quite manic, I have a strange headache and a strong compulsion to run. I tried to fix up an evening out with J but so far no text back. Thing is I feel safe with her and we will talk about different stuff not this. But I am slightly nervous even about meeting her even so. because I'm not me any more, I'm a bit crazy. Don't misunderstand me I am very passive, wouldn't hurt a soul but even so - am I scary to be with? probably not Sue was happy to see me and coped with me.

I'm just so panicky and feel so crazy and manic. Where to go? where to run it just follows me. I can't do another late night walk can I? it just makes it worse.


I had plans to go to London tomorrow, to look at some art galleries, maybe take in the Tate Modern, or go back to the Dali exhibtion at County Hall. But am losing confidence even to travel on my own.

Oh I forgot to mention (my brain doesnt play back in sequence if it does at all) that I did my normal walk in the park. Round both lakes and the Peace Garden. Sat down in the Peace Garden - there is a nice seat partially hidden by bushes that is very peaceful and overlooks the pond. I thought I sat for 5 minutes but in fact it turned out more like 40 minutes, motionless, staring, thinking and talking to the imaginary Katie in my head.

Then I strolled back to the car. Sat for another half hour, the normal cutting - ordered and careful this time, not the mad slashing of last night.

I am so frightened of my own head. Nothoing seems real nothing seems to be really happening. It's all out there and I am in here, wherever here is.

I did spend a bit of time making my music, putting some finishing touches to Oblivion and wondering which other tracks are up to standard. There is still much work to be done. However low I get I will stil work on it, to lose my music would be to lose the last remaining purpose.

Oh and church music didn't happen tonight. Childrens holiday club are doing the music so I am not needed. A night off. And a sunday off from playing too.

Love as always
Alice