Ok so don't trust what I say....

I went to the doc about the prostate today and it all came out. I told her everything, and I am now on the aformentioned NHS conveyer belt. Urgent appointment with the shrink because of the self harm.

She wants me refered to the urologist for the prostate too - I think I agreed to that somewhere in the haze.

So how did we get here.....

This morning started off well. I took my youngest for a long walk in the park - he loves nature as do I and we enjoy each other's company so that was good. We got home and I realised there was no food so we went to tescos. We had done most of the shopping and I bent down to pick up a packet of biscuits. When I stood up I couldn't see. So there I am, in Tescos, trolly full of shopping, 12 year old in tow and functionally blind - well I could see, but it was all bright colours and distortion. A migraine. But that was the most intense aura I have ever had and the most sudden. My lad packed the shopping and I we loaded the car. I sat until I could see enough then we kindof liimped home, driving very cautiously. He and his brother unpacked the car and made lunch. They were great. I have been very distant and out of it all day, typical migraine hangover, and still feel confused even now. So it was in that state of mind I went to the docs.

Having confessed all and got on some or other track in the NHS mental health system I came out feeling wretched and very alone. I tried calling Paul, Richard and Ian but couldnt reach anyone. I have avoided calling family at the moment cos I don't want to cause mum any more worry. So I was then alone and feeling very wretched. I lay on the bed not sleeping for a while, and the hours passed. I sat down tried to watch Eastenders but couldnt concentrate. I went upstairs and cut myself again, this time quite badly, there was lots of blood. I am ok, but this is bad. Eventually I got Ian on the phone and went to see him which got me back on an even keel. I tell Ian a lot but could not bare to mention the cutting.

Tomorrow I have music practice (can I really cope with it?) still I get to see our vicar hopefully. I need a long chat to him and I need to be honest.


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