Crisis

Firstly as promised I am checking in to prove I am still alive. Which I am. Now I must tell you what happened after the last entry a few hours back.

I took the car to the park and parked up near the lake, where I have been walking most days. I should probably not have driven because my head was all over the place. I felt mildly sick but also very detached from myself, and had a sense of not caring what happened to me.

So I walked - actually I was walking so fast, joggers were only just making enough speed to pass me which was quite amusing. But all the while the pressure in my head was growing and growing. Strangly I did manage to pray, well I threw myself on God really - all sounds very holy but actually it was just plain desperate. I stopped on my usual seat half way around the lake. I knew I could'nt call mum so tried to call Ian & Sue. No reply. I felt even lower, I really needed someone and there was no one. By the time I got back to the car I was frantic. I sat in the car and slashed my left arm open with all my might, how I didn't hit an artery I don't know. but it bled profusely. I have a lot of blood to clear out of the car now. presumably because of the antidepressants I felt no pain, but there was some release of the pressure in my head. It was the worst I have done though and I am scared about it. More and more is required to achieve the same result. Just like any addictive drug. By the way in case you are wondering apart from my little games with valium over the last couple of days I am not and have never been a drug user.

The valium thing mst stop now because of the happy pills - they are seriously incompatible and I may take may life if I mix them, I don't actually want to die.

I got home and (still bleeding) sat calmly in the lounge and watched Eastenders. Can't remember much about it. But aftwerwards I noticed how much blood had soaked through my sweatshiirt- my favourite one - ruined I think.

I called Ian and Sue again. Sue was in and invited me round. I warned her what a state I was in, but she made me welcome and listened to me pour out the most extraordinary stuff about my life and made countless very welcome cups of tea. I can't believe what I confessed - the men, the cutting, everything. I was in a serious crisis and very very frightened. Sue was wonderful , really kind and supportive and slowly but surely my mind state settled down. Ian came back later and I recounted the story - which is scary with Ian because he always challenges me but he is also always wise and always has suggestions as to things to do to help me channel the feelings and problems. Through their kindness and support I am back on an even keel thank God. Through discussions with them I have got some plans for the weekend including either a trip out with my son on saturday or a trip to the Tate modern. On Sunday I will meet Ian and go to the townwide church service in the evening.

They are off to Canada next week and I hope they have a really good time. I will miss them

I am going to bed now (its 1.13 am) so I will probably update tomorrow PM when I have church music practice (I think).

A

PS as an unrelated aside - be careful what you click on amongst blogs at the moment. See the following BBC article http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6970368.stm