Rumbled

She wanted something tonight so she managed to speak to me. She wanted her sister's laptop set up (I am an IT pro so I get all those jobs). I had intially refused because I am treated like crap most of the time (the sister has done her fair share of that in the past too ) But Alice the doormat relented - however didnt go so far as pirating a copy of MS Office for her - she will have to buy that. But while I was doing that my sleeve accidentally rolled up and the wife saw my bloodstained arm. I got a whole load of insults about how stupid I am. Well I guess I am but hey, no need to be nasty abot it. So now that has gone in her little book and she will doubtless use it against me again like she did last time. Probably i will hear her tell the kids "Your father's gay and he cuts himself'. How callous can you get.

I feel extraordinarily tired again. Not ordinary tired but that kind of shocked tired that I get after hurting myself.

Still I did go for the walk. It was a nice walk but I did a lot of thinking, a few attempted prayers and a lot of useless self analysis. I found a quiet corner of the park and cut myself which felt really good. Then I calmly phoned my mum and reassured her (after yesterdays weird conversation) that I am in fact ok. Good thing she couldnt see me bleeding.

I spoke to my friend who is out of work. He is struggling with life too and I am worried about him. We need to keep talking.

So tomorrow I have to handle the docs and the shrinks. Scary. I may get sectioned if I'm not careful. I will try to update and let you know what happens tomorrow

Love

Alice