I tried today, really.....

... but today got the better of me.

I woke up. Felt good. Had a shower. Burst into tears - no reason. Bizarre.

Shook myself, picked myself up and dusted myself off then got ready for work.

I needed some information from her about her niece's date of birth for a form that HAD to be filled in. She exploded - give me money so I can leave here. So I stormed out of the house in a rage.

The office was quiet, two people away so I got my head down and did a lot of work. Then at about 11.30 Paul phoned. At work. That never happens. He is really p*ssed off for similar reasons to me. His marriage is breaking up & he has done everything to make sure his wife is set up in a nice home with no mortgage (more than I would have done) but she is still giving him a hard time and trying to get more money out of him. I learned for once that it's not all about me. I have to be there for him too. But it's difficult because she has got stroppy about me calling the house so we have limited means of communicating - hence the phone call. He is hoping to move out really soon - so I will go up and stay with him once he does. We try to cheer each other up (actually we are quite good at that when times are like this). But once I hung up the phone I was kind of shaky. I felt for him deeply, but it also reawakened my own feelings of despair. I spent a while with my head in my hands (hope no one noticed).

I came home, she was in (unusual). She announced immediately she was going out. I did the same. I went for my normal walk but I need to reconsider this walk. It was a route march around the lake. No stopping, real speed walking. Which is OK I guess in itself. It's good exercise. But the real reason was I couldnt wait to get back to the car. To cut. Only I did it bad this time. My left arm has swollen and may be infected. Which means I may end up in casualty tomorrow - then more psychological reports - then I'll probably get sectioned.

But it got worse. I mentioned my eldest (the stepson) had run up £1000 on his credit card. Well his mother got hold of the details and as soon as I walked in the problem was dumped on me to sort out. He actually as far as I can see owes £2000 in various overdrafts, card debts etc. He has moved his bank account for his salary but not his direct debits - a dodge to get at his salary without it paying the debts (he thinks I am stupid). Anyway to cut a long story short he is up to something because he is not as stupid as he likes to appear. So I checked his phone and now I wish I hadn't. No real messages from girls. But one from a boy who said he f**ked really well and one from another boy discussing moving in together into a studio appartment (which of course involves him raising money). Thing is if he IS gay that wouldnt be the end of the world for me - after all I can talk can't I! but his mother would kill him. This sounds awful but I wish he would move out. At least then that would allow me to sleep in a seperate bed to the wife which would be bliss.

Having had the discussions with him about his stupidity (whilst trying to hide my own, in the shape of my gashed left arm) I locked myself in the loo and sobbed again. However I am now angry with myself because I see a snapshot of me as I look from outside. Here's the picture:

It's all about me, I hate my wife for her adultery but I get off with other guys, I'm too weak to finish the relationship yet I keep taking it out on myself secretly hoping that by hurting myself I will get attention. Pathetic isn't it. All that makes me hate myself and that is pathetic too.

Anyway I am going to shower now, give this arm a good wash and hope it settles down. Tomorrow I will try to be better.

A