Back to work

I went back today. I have barely the concentration to drive TO work let alone do anything once I get there. It was awful. I did nothing, achieved nothing and in fact barely inderstood my job. I have that detached feeling I remember from before. Nothing matters, nothing is really happening, do I really exist?

I stayed at work late even so. I can't really face coming home either. On the way home I stopped off at my friend's parents to drop off an anniversary card. Golden. 50 years. 50! How is that achieved? I kept my 'ok' face on and they suspected nothing, but under my shirtsleeves my arm was stinging.

I came home and hid in the bedroom because wife had the nextdoor neighbour in and I couldn't face anymore play acting. Then I went out.

The plan behind going out was to walk around the lake again and try to talk to God. But it was harder than yesterday and I soon gave up. It just doesn't work for me at the moment. Still i will keep walking because that's the only act of faith I can muster at the moment. Maybe God will even honour that gesture.

But of course I didnt mention one thing - the thing that has become an addiction. As strong as any drug. I had a blade with me and I sat in the carpark and cut myself a few more times. Just to see the blood. Feel the sting and get the rush. I feel less angry at least because of it, although I have that sense of being in shock again. I had a close shave too. Just as I was doing it a police car came past, slowed down. They even peered in through my window. I kept my hands down and they drove off. Even that was a buzz.

Now I am upstairs, avoiding going down. I don't want to face the boys, or listen to her endless bitter twisted taunting. I may go out again later.

Oh I forgot to mention, I came home at lunchtime today. The boys were here, the house, predictably was devastated but I couldnt be bothered to nag them to tidy up. Then the eldest said to me. Mum is going away on business for a couple of days. Yeah right. Business with Frank no doubt. (I found her contraceptive pills today - and threw them away - what a bastard). I am angry that she got him to do her lying for her. She doesnt even have the guts to tell me herself.

Ok I may eat now

A