Am I really here?

A strange title I will explain in a moment.

I think I posted yesterday just after my walk in the park. Something that is becoming an obsession with me. I just have to get out.

As soon as I got back my mood was strange (I think - memory is poor). I had a hot relaxing bath, then cut myself again which hurt for once - not that I care, at least it proves I'm really here. Which gets me to the point of that title. My mood and mind state are now changing, I have moments of confusion, indecision over silly things and panic. Last night went with Ian to the townwide evening service which tends to be quite lively. There were many arms raised and shouts of hallelujah, something I am normally quite happy with and in fact join in if the fancy takes me. But last night I was scared because I know can get really hyper and euphoric in that situation and then I hit the ground hard afterwards. In fact though that didn't happen, instead I got this sense of not being there, as though I were watching on TV or through someone elses eyes. Very strange and unreal. By the end of the singing section of the service I had dug my finger nails painfully hard into my other hand, just trying to feel. I felt very detached and awkward as well trying to converse with others, I am sure they just thought I was being distant or 'offish' but I had genuine trouble interacting.

I do remember the talk at the service. It was on the story of Jesus meeting the woman at Jacob's Well and how he had seen the immorality in her life, but instead of judging her offered her the gift of eternal life. In otherwords the sermon was about grace and I needed to hear it though haven't fully assimilated why yet.

I just about rememeber coming home and I think I watched a prom on TV (or was that Saturday) then came to bed once the bedroom was in darkness (I don't want her to see the cuts - though I am sure she has).

I slept well, although with the strange sense that had had some scary dreams that I didn't remember. I woke early and felt panicky. Work day. Several times I sat alone feeling tearful, I also had a mild panic attack, just a bit of hyperventilating not too severe but annoying.

When I got to work though it was unreal. felt tearful inside but on the outside had to try to interact normally with colleagues. I am sure I messed up my work badly today. I couldn't concentrate, felt alternately restless and ridiculously tired and often had that detached out of body sensation. I was just glad I didn't have to go to any meetings.

At lunchtime, as well as my lunch I bought some more razor blades - so much for not cutting. I felt tearful as I bought them.

So now I am home. She's not back yet. Probably getting knocked up by Frank or Gab or whoever the current prat is she is screwing.I know she finishes work at four and she is never home before six, and Frank works in her office.

NOW to further add to my burdens my not very bright stepson has managed to run up a huge credit card bill (over £1000) whilst earning just a few pounds a week from his student job at McDonalds. Now of course that has been hidden from me though found it of course, in her handbag. Once again its a bailiff letter because he hasn't even made the minimum payments. Now I earn good money and could easily pay it, just as I had to with her stupid sister when she did the same. But this time I won't. I am only good for money here, nothing else so let him pay - or her if she is stupid enough. (I hadn't realised how angry I am about this till started typing).

So that's where things are at the moment. I will walk in a little while. And phone mum to see if she went to the doctors.

More later

Love

Ally