Life moves on - or does it

Can't believe it is 5 years since I wrote in this blog. I used to write here because it helped my head. I was going through depression and a messy divorce which was tough, and at the time I felt I was a victim - which to an extent I was - but I was also selfish. I slept around and played with at least one person's heart quite badly.

Still life is different, it has moved on and I have remarried to someone who actually loves me and who I love. I haven't cut myself, or slept around so on the face of it things are better. But I have had losses too, painful losses. Last year I lost my mum, and earlier this year my stepdad, both people I loved dearly and whom I some how had imagined would always be around. I miss them daily and it hurts, but I never let it out. No one sees my grief.

When I was depressed I was also very creative, I made music, and even tried painting.I learned to appreciate the beauty of art, and some of the deep messages it conveyed. But they put me on pills to cure my depression, and somehow my creativity went too, I have lost my confidence as a musician and the messages in art and music, once so plain to me have gone.

What has also changed is I understand the impact I have on others around me much more, five years ago I hadn't a clue how my weirdness and depression affected others.

Having someone special, who I love dearly helps a lot, I am not desperate, not running away from this 'thing' in my head anymore. But I am still troubled - I fear not being a good husband, I fear what is probably true, that the troubles in my life and my relationships are of my causing.  I fear screwing up again and causing pain to my dear wife. I still have the demon inside me that makes me like men, and I fear that too. But most of all I fear dying, having achieved nothing, and experienced nothing, I have been present at two deaths of the two people dear to me, and even if I am confident of where they (and I) are going. The journey scares me, it scares the hell out of me.

Oh God please help

At 2 this morning I woke, full bladder. Again at 3. This time I couldnt wee, or rather I could but it was a struggle. I got more and more worked up until I had a panic attack. Sat rocking back and forth on the chair crying out to God for mercy and then just crying. I couldn't stop shaking, that weird obsessive shaking of the limbs thats half controlled half automatic. It turned into another dark night of the soul. I eventually crashed on the sofa.

Then, at ten I set out on my intrepid adventure to Dover. Ok that should be a routine kind of journey, but for me in this state it was tough. I nearly freaked though when I saw an accident on the motorway - a people carrier on its side, fire engines and police everywhre- it affected me a lot.

But I am so glad I went. Pete and his wife made me so welcome and, after a walk I had stopped shaking and was starting to be my normal self. They have both been where I am with abusive or unfaithful partners and are now happily married to each other. That gave me some hope. We walked the white cliffs of Dover to South Forland Lighthouse and back. I was VERY wobbly walking along the cliffs - kept thinking about how high it was and my comments about staying away from cliff edges a few weeks back. But the company was good and I felt at ease.

A spooky weird thing happened - at least I read it as spooky. On the way through Dover at 11.30 I noticed an old church. Don't know why I particularly noticed it but I did. Got to Petes, and at 12 his wife rushed in and said the church was burning. The whole of Dover was closed and the building was gutted. It was deconsecrated and converted into flats but it was so sad to see a beautiful old church building burn. Again I was deeply affected. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/7008265.stm

Well it's late and I am exhausted so I will stop there. More tomorrow my dears.
Alice

Up and Down

After a good day on wednesday yesterday was more of a struggle. My head felt steadily heavier as the day progressed. I went to see the doctor and struggled to rememeber everything I wanted to ask him. He was cross that the mental health team have not even contacted him following my visit there and he is trying to get me some more counselling. That might help a bit, but only getting rid of that damn woman I'm supposedly married to will really help.

Last night something weird happened. The eldest didn't come back from college, I don't know where he went. At 10.30 the doorbell rang and she answered it. I heard voices and I swear I heard her say "oh you are bleeding". I assumed it was the eldest but it wasn't. It was some of his mates. She wouldn't tell me what it was about and instead I got a whole tirade about how the divorce is just being "put into paperwork now" and that I would feel it in the pocket. It's nearly 6 months since she started saying that. I was so angry and had to bottle it up, which did nothing for my mental state. The whole game is to try to make me mad enough to hit her - but I don't do that sort of thing so it won't happen.

Today being friday was half day at work. I felt a bit ragged at work but muddled through (don't think I did much). Came home and loafed about. I had intended to work on some cover art for my CD but I ran out of steam and just sat around, then had a hot bath. Collected the youngest from school and went to town to buy him some stationary for his art homework. I thought I would be alright. The distraction of having him there, laughing and joking should have been enough. But the panic set in, everything got loud and echoey and I stepped out of myself - that weird disconnection thing - to the point when I felt like I didn't exist. I just HAD to get out of there. And I think I am going to drive to Dover tomorrow, I'm worried about that but I really want to see my friends so I will try.

Tonight is music practice, at least this week I ate something before taking a happy pill so I hopefully won't be as far out of it as I was last week.

A

A better day

Not that I understand why, you see it was a very similar day to yesterday in many respects. Same stuff at work, that sort of thing. But I didn't have the same weepy feeling shortly after getting up and I managed to at least be distracted enough by work to not think about things. I didn't even get panicky in Tescos at lunchtime. So that was all good - if a little weird for that odd part of me that doesn't seem to want to get better (go figure).

I had a call from a friend this afternoon and told him the story, so now I am going to visit him on Saturday which will be nice, the weekends have been very empty lately so it will be good. The only thing bothering me is he lives 90 miles away and ten days ago a 5 mile drive was stressful, still I shall play things by ear.

Now the other issue in my life - this flipping prostate, took a turn today. It has been painful though less so than yesterday which is good. However it seems that when I visited the doc a few weeks back in the terrible state I was in she DID make a hospital appointment for me. So I go on November 8th for that. I see my GP tomorrow to talk over the depression issues, I need to find out what I can do about pain relief whilst on these happy pills because the prostate can be unbearable at its peak.

Now tonight's issue is that the eldest got his bank statement. Further into the red because another direct debit bounced. They are making a £70 charge for every bounced direct debit so his little £30 deposit to try to start paying it off had no real effect. As a result the woman is screaming at him again, which is driving me nuts - that horrble squaking, condescending voice nagging incessantly on and on saying the same things is enough to send me back crazy so I might sneak out later, just for a walk.

All for now

Alice

xx

I missed a day...

... because I seem to be saying more or less the same thing. I go to work. get depressed, at times desperate.

Yesterday I got very desperate at work. it was hard to hide it, in fact I nearly came home. I am sure it was triggered in part by hunger, I had to go for a cholesterol test which meant I had to fast. For some reason that seems to make it a lot worse. I got a day off from prostate pain though but that was about all. I keep fantasising about ending it. But then I fear dying so it stays a fantasy.

At home in the evening sill more desperation and I cut myself again. This time it didn't really help and I felt more wretched. She asked me what the matter was and I nearly fell for it, but luckily remembered that last time I confided in her she yelled it all at the kids. So she is untrustworthy.

I didn't sleep so well, vivid dreams and I woke up in the night (which is becoming a habit) 2 hours after getting off to sleep. Had trouble getting back to sleep of course.

Today the prostate has been agony. I think it is swelling because I am having trouble weeing. Seeing the doc on thursday so guess I will get referred on somewhere. Ugh. If that happens my options are limited. An operation. Not good. So todayI have been battling depression and pain. The pain being so intense makes me think even more about ending it.

Tonight though I will go to my church meeting. J will be there and I rememeber how upset she was about the overdose. I don't want to hurt her so I guess I won't do anything bad.

Love
Ally

Sunday routine

Today was a normal sunday for me. Played for the kids at church which was fun, though I felt a little twitchy I was at least able to function. And I did wear a short sleaved shirt, the scars have healed well so I got away with it, I don't think anyone looked that closely. I got the chance to apologise to some people for being a bit weird on Friday.

Boredom caused me to go for my normal walk (route march?) around the lakes. It was real power walking and I tired myself out. But I also spent the time in self analysis and also in a strange mental role play game that I have, where I imagine a friend in trouble and then become the superhero who saves the day. It's a game I play often in my head and I don't understand why. Today's story was about a friend (I won't name her) who has psychotic episodes. I imagined being there for her in one of these episodes and being the only one who can help. I have never really understood why I do this and I normally don't realise I am doing it for quite a while. I spend a lot of time having conversations with an imaginery person in my head. Sometimes it's Katie, somtimes J, sometimes it's no one.

I got home, had a hot bath (pain relief) and spent more time in self analysis. Another pattern then repeated. I yawned. Then I got tearful, sobbed a bit but wished I could howl properly.

This evening we had a lovely service for (or rather by) a temporary member of our church who is returning to New Zealand. She was fantastic and inspiring. I wish I was like her. Still I played my music and people thanked me for it. Then I sloped off quietly in to the night having said my goodbyes to her.

I got home and suddenly (after calling me a weirdo) my wife asked me to grammer check her essay. (the thing is, after reading this crap would you have me grammer check anything?) So she was friendly. She stopped hating me just long enough to get something from me. Then naffed off back upstairs.

Now I am desperately tired again. And I can't eat because of tomorrow's cholesterol test so I think I will go to bed early. Of course she has set up shop in the bedroom again so I don't think that will happen.

All for now

A

Parallel Lives.....

... well almost. I had a call from my friend today. He is seperating from his wife and he was very down. Constant arguements about money, she wants him out and he can't wait to go. Sounds familiar huh? He's my dearest friend and there was little I could say ,we just shared each others experiences aand at least took comfort that we are not alone. I say almost because he is straight so at least he doesn't have a double life to hide as well.

Apart from that today was as desolate as every other. I was bored o r to be more precise, demotivated. Eventually I managed to muster enough energy to walk to the local shops wearing a short sleaved tee shirt for the first time in ages. The scars are fading now so I thought I would risk it. Of course I bumped into several people from churchand I watched myself have aparently lucid conversations with them.

Eldest son was at work, wife was in and out doing heaven knows what (she reminded me that she hated me this morning - in case I have forgotten). Youngest son was stuck to his computer playing games andcould not be prised off. I sat around for ages doing nothing, staring at walls. getting lower and lower. At least P is doing something about his situation. I am just sitting here watching the world pass by and I hate myself for that.

I walked into town. It was warm. I should have been happy at that but I wasn't. The pain doesn't help either, that has been bad today. Then I walked around town, wondered why I was there, looked in a few shops, still didn't buy anything. The mall played it's usual trick a crescendo of echoey people. I watched myself walk around. Looked down over the balconys. It was a long way down, a very long way. Some years back someone jumped there, fell to his death. Landed on a kids lego display. But I couldn't, not jump. It's too violent. And too messy.

So I walked back again. Getting lower. I got back. Did nothing for a while (again) then had a hot bath (releaves the pain for a while). I sat in the bath and I sobbed, don't know why, I just did.
Then the usual tension around dinner time. I had to go out to practice music for the church again (I am playing for the children tomorrow - remember the long sleeves!). So the tension was about the fact that they never leave me food.

I practiced the piano with the vicar on guitar, put a brave face on, didn't want to let it out today. Then got home back to miserable land. Sat and watched some TV - still in pain. I felt inspired to write some music. It's in my head. It's simple AND I CAN'T PLAY IT. I am SO frustrated and angry, this happened last time with happy pills, don't say I am losing it again, not my music.

So now I am tired. I'd like to sleep. But she will make it difficult. Best to wait until she has slept.
What a wretched existence. What's the point?