Self harm is an extraordinary thing. Last night I was in despair, I felt like my head was going to explode with anger and desperation. Yet a few cuts seem to relieve the tension, it's like lancing a boil, suddenly some pressure is relieved and I feel better. To those who don't know (which hopefully is most people), there is no pain, in fact I always think I haven't done anything, it feels like I lost my bottle before making the cut, then suddenly it bleeds like crazy. Sorry if this is shocking, but this is how it is.
The trouble is (as the title of this post suggests) once I start this thing it is damn hard to stop again. It is as addictive as any drug, possibly more so. And I know it is dangerous too. And just like drug addiction you do your best to conceal it, blood is cleaned, long sleeves are worn.
I don't know how this ends this time, last time I confessed to the doc and went on the NHS mental health treadmill. This time I won't do it. Why not? Firstly they put me on antidepressants last time and they really did mess with my head. I was like a zombie and lost all my creativity. The withdrawal was wretched too, terrible nausea, a strange sensations in the head and auditory hullicinations when I was trying to sleep. And secondly because the CPN is a friend of my wifes, now I don't care HOW professional she is, and I have no reason to doubt her integrity, the fact remains that I am not comfortable with it.
The trouble is (as the title of this post suggests) once I start this thing it is damn hard to stop again. It is as addictive as any drug, possibly more so. And I know it is dangerous too. And just like drug addiction you do your best to conceal it, blood is cleaned, long sleeves are worn.
I don't know how this ends this time, last time I confessed to the doc and went on the NHS mental health treadmill. This time I won't do it. Why not? Firstly they put me on antidepressants last time and they really did mess with my head. I was like a zombie and lost all my creativity. The withdrawal was wretched too, terrible nausea, a strange sensations in the head and auditory hullicinations when I was trying to sleep. And secondly because the CPN is a friend of my wifes, now I don't care HOW professional she is, and I have no reason to doubt her integrity, the fact remains that I am not comfortable with it.
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