Shortly after posting the last entry I collapse on the bed in a sort of sleepy haze which lasted 2 hours. Went downstairs found my cold congealed dinner (ugh) but ate it anyway. Sat down in front of the telly, head still pounding and bursting. She made some snide comment to the kids about how pathetic depression is - it was in response to something on TV but directed at me nonetheless.
The pressure inside built up until I felt I was going to explode. I really felt this time I could take my life. I left the house with pen and paper to write the note and a razor blade to slash my wrists. Drove around for a bit going ever more crazy in my head. After driving miles ended up parked just a few minutes from home. Someone parked up nearby so I picked up my mobile so it would look like I had stopped to take a call (like anyone cared anyway). My son's picture is the screensaver on my phone, I saw him smiling back at me. I couldn't do it. Not take my life. Probably couldn't have anyway actually but not after that. But I did cut myself badly again, very badly. It seems to ease the pressure, like the demons in my head are only appeased by blood. Now I have that weird tiredness again, and she has set up shop in the bedroom doing her work which means I can't go to bed.
Please don't worry about me, tomorrow I will seek help again
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