Happy Birthday to Me

The printed word cannot convey the irony of that statement. 46 Years on this planet. They are just flying by.

So how was it? Well I woke up early. A pattern I am starting to recognise, I was up for a few minutes, had a shower and a cry. Then I left the house at 7, before anyone was up, went to Tescos and bought doughnuts for the office. Just as yesterday I held it together in the morning, I was again slightly TOO cheerful. My colleague Mike knows what is happening and he commented on this. Once again in the afternoon I fell apart and was home by 4.30.

My younger son was waiting for me with a nice birthday card and a box of chocs bless him. He also had a card from the wife ?!? I do NOT understand why she did that. But I was able to smile for the boy and thanked him like I meant it (which I did).

I am very distant and moody and withdrawn from what little life there is here. So I didn't spot what happened after dinner. She then came in with a birthday cake singing happy birthday?!? I am now totally baffled and my head is in my hands. I invited my youngest to join us and he just screamed at his mother how much he hated her. I have NEVER heard him so angry at her. Clearly while I had been downstairs she had had a go at him probably out of anger about his brother's behaviour which is quite unfair. He had done his homework and was playing a computer game, as with any activity he seems to like she has banned it.

Then the eldest came in. He seems as depressed as me. No card from him or even a happy birthday. Oh well.

Oh and I spoke to my mum who is worried about me, but I held out on the worst details and tried to sound cheerful.

I also spoke to my uncle and told him a little more than I could tell mum. We chatted for 45 minutes and I felt better for it.

Finally after spending more time with my head in my hands I got on with some recording. The track 'Out of Body' is a soundscape which tries to capture how I feel. It must be getting there because I felt physically as well as mentally disturbed after listening to it. It is not going to be light entertainment believe me!

Well that was a bitty disjointed update, but that's where I am.

Ally