Parallel Lives.....

... well almost. I had a call from my friend today. He is seperating from his wife and he was very down. Constant arguements about money, she wants him out and he can't wait to go. Sounds familiar huh? He's my dearest friend and there was little I could say ,we just shared each others experiences aand at least took comfort that we are not alone. I say almost because he is straight so at least he doesn't have a double life to hide as well.

Apart from that today was as desolate as every other. I was bored o r to be more precise, demotivated. Eventually I managed to muster enough energy to walk to the local shops wearing a short sleaved tee shirt for the first time in ages. The scars are fading now so I thought I would risk it. Of course I bumped into several people from churchand I watched myself have aparently lucid conversations with them.

Eldest son was at work, wife was in and out doing heaven knows what (she reminded me that she hated me this morning - in case I have forgotten). Youngest son was stuck to his computer playing games andcould not be prised off. I sat around for ages doing nothing, staring at walls. getting lower and lower. At least P is doing something about his situation. I am just sitting here watching the world pass by and I hate myself for that.

I walked into town. It was warm. I should have been happy at that but I wasn't. The pain doesn't help either, that has been bad today. Then I walked around town, wondered why I was there, looked in a few shops, still didn't buy anything. The mall played it's usual trick a crescendo of echoey people. I watched myself walk around. Looked down over the balconys. It was a long way down, a very long way. Some years back someone jumped there, fell to his death. Landed on a kids lego display. But I couldn't, not jump. It's too violent. And too messy.

So I walked back again. Getting lower. I got back. Did nothing for a while (again) then had a hot bath (releaves the pain for a while). I sat in the bath and I sobbed, don't know why, I just did.
Then the usual tension around dinner time. I had to go out to practice music for the church again (I am playing for the children tomorrow - remember the long sleeves!). So the tension was about the fact that they never leave me food.

I practiced the piano with the vicar on guitar, put a brave face on, didn't want to let it out today. Then got home back to miserable land. Sat and watched some TV - still in pain. I felt inspired to write some music. It's in my head. It's simple AND I CAN'T PLAY IT. I am SO frustrated and angry, this happened last time with happy pills, don't say I am losing it again, not my music.

So now I am tired. I'd like to sleep. But she will make it difficult. Best to wait until she has slept.
What a wretched existence. What's the point?