I didn't sleep early last night. Firstly I didn't want to go near her til she was sleeping, she was in a poisonous mood with all the stuff with our eldest. But secondly I wouldnt have slept anyway. So I went to bed at 1.30, waking at 6.30. Before sleeping put some antiseptic on my swollen arm and it has settled down - one good thing.
I felt tearful first thing though I didn't cry. I made the boy (he's actually 19 and should know better) get up and gave him his instructions for the day. Visit banks, jobcentre etc. Then I went to work.
In the morning I was in an odd mood. I discussed the whole debt thing with a colleague and felt OK in the morning. My mood was actually rather more elevated than seemed right given the circumstances. That lasted until after lunch. At lunch time he sent me a text saying the bank wouldnt see him which annoyed me. I started to feel worse in the afternoon, a headache and shivers began to set in - not a cold, this is either the happy pills or the depression itself - not sure anymore. I felt very very tearful and in fact for a second there were tears although I hid them. By 4.30 I just came home feeling wretched - absolutely depressed and ill. I have had enough, I barely have the strength to go on. I challenged him about the bank but apparently they have sold the debt on - not good. He was supposed to phone the debt collection people. He didn't. Now the wife wants to be involved in that phone call anyway. Given her total lack of caring or respect for me I guess I had better listen as well. I have been lied to enough.
So now I feel nearly as bad as I did last week, when descended on Ian and Sue. I have no strength and my judgement is shot, I nearly ran someone down tonight driving home.
I feel ill, desperate and alone. I know this sounds stupid but I could use a hug. This headache is killing me too. I wonder how much I more can take, just feel totally like giving up.
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