.. that's me. I still have a picture of J with tears welling up in her eyes when told her about the valium. I texted her this morning and apologised. She wrote me a sweet kind text back saying how she was worrying about me, how she cared and how she wished wasn;t on the happy pills. She thanked me for being her friend. I nearly cried right there in the office. But I still know I am selfish, I have this vortex around me that messes me up but also hurts anyone who gets near.
Thing is today I did feel a bit better apart from lunch time when a visit to Tescos brought on another mild panic attack). When I say better I mean mentally better. Physically I am in agony. The prostate is really really hurting and I can't take any painkillers. I'll have a hot bath in a bit , that sometimes helps.
So today I resumed my walking round the lake regime. Earlier today because the nights are drawing in. Less people about too. I sat for 1/2 hour just thinking. Then went back to the car and cut. Not the worst I have done, yet it sent me off my head. I feel physically sick and mentally - well it's hard to explain - desolate? exhausted? alone?
How does this end?
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