The day after

I haven't taken today's "happy" pill yet. I'm supposed to take them at the same time each day but I am gradually going to move the time on each day until it falls outside works hours. I have to keep my head at work.

Today being friday is a half day at work which is nice. I felt very wired, had my head in my hands at times but was heavily compensating as well, which meant that I worked much harder in between times than I have for a long time. I am finding conversation with my colleagues strange, like it's an effort to appear normal. In doing that of course I think I make myself appear more weird. Also I caught Mike, on of my colleagues, looking at my arm, you can see the gashs even with a long sleeve shirt on cos they are right down to my wrist. He didn't say anything but I wish he hadn't seen. I am so ashamed.

I think I have to admit now that I am having some kind of breakdown.

I know some of the stuff I write here is quite scary, but the alternative is to bottle it and this is a safe release. Knowing that people are reading it (the hit counter is going up) is also helpful. Please feel welcome to comment.

On Sunday I have agreed to go to our townwide church service with Ian. I haven't been much since Katie left but I think it might do some good.

I think there is church music practice tonight. I am a bit nervous about it again ,I will be full of Sertraline by then again and who knows where my head will be. However giving up the church music would be so hard.

One of the things that Sue said to me was very comforting. My mind is often in dark places, sometimes very dark and alone. She said that actually God follows me into those dark places and stays with me. If your not a Christian that won't make sense but I connected with it. That will probably find its way into my music at some point too.

I need to start behaving better too. No men. No cutting. At the moment they are mutually exclusive, I can't do one if I'm doing the other, but I should do neither. I confessed to Sue last night - that was the first step.

Thanks for listening

Ally