Crazy

The long dark night of the soul, that's what he called it. When everyone else is sleeping and only you and your demons are awake. Tormenting you, taunting, laughing at you. The pressure is so great, its like I am going to explode, I'm so scared.

She started on at me tonight so I left the house, but I couldn't get hold of anyone. I am trying not to be too much of a burden to people so I am spreading myself around a bit, this time I tried to call Paul. Engaged the first time, no answer 5 minutes later. They must have been just going out. But it was probably just as well, he has problems of his own anyway, he doesn't need mine.

By that time the blood was everywhere. I had stopped in a laybye and gashed my arm open again. It looks awful and I think there is blood all over the car. I get a strange kind of tiredness when I am in this state, it's beyond sleepiness - reminds me a bit of being in shock. I shouldn't have driven like that, and I won't again. I'll walk next time.

Still look on the bright side - I won't be taking my clothes off with strangers for a while, it will do me good to behave!

I have work tomorrow and I don't know how I will cope. The pressure there is enourmous and the bosses delight in making you feel insecure - management by threat.

I want out. Out of all of it. Work, home, I just want to be a dependant child again. Safe and secure, someone else doing the difficult stuff. I want to be cuddled, held by strong arms and loved. But what is love, I have been betrayed so many times I can't allow myself to love again.

Alice