I don't care.....

... that no one reads this. I am still going to carry on, becasue this helps me if no one else.

Last night I over did it. I cut myself badly. Also there is a disturbingly different pattern to it. Now it is almost subconcious, not a reaction to a situation, it's just something I do. What is shocking is that when I do it I rationalise it totally. It doesn't feel wrong, in fact bizarrely it feels good. But like any addiction it takes more and more to get the same hit. Last night's cuts ,whilst fewer were much deeper and the pain woke me this morning,

Today (at least this afternoon) I seem to be more conventionally rational. Last nights behaviour seems odd, and I am concentrating better at work. Tonight should be better, the tart is away and it's just me and the boys. Apparently she has gone to Leeds on business. Maybe she has, but here lover is in her office - have they gone together? The trouble is I don't trust her and assume the worst.

I did a bit more music last night, just a bit nothing too inspired, Oblivion is now finished and I made a post on my Myspace blog hinting vaguely at darkness in my life at the moment.

Hopefully I will get time to walk later but I have to cook. Maybe my youngest will come with me, then at least I will have to act rationally

A