CPN

In case you don't realise that stands for Community Psychiatric nurse which is who I saw today.
Now I may update more than once today because my head is blanking stuff so quickly that i won't remember anything soon. I had a long chat with the CPN (there was also a Ugandan doctor present - his nationality is significant for reasons that will become apparent).
I went through my whole story, how quickly i had crashed from being perfectly normal and coping (or was that in denial) to the depressed state I am now in. I showed them the cuts, told them about the situation at home, even the violence that I had gone through 3 years back when the wife hit me. They were good and kind and listened to what I had to say. The African doctor's input was interesting because he asked about my wife - I may have mentioned before that she is African and he was keen to know from where and what tribe so I told him (probably best not to share that detail here). He said that women from that cultural background can be extremly violent and that my experience was not uncommon. This ties in with what I have witnessed from other females in her family.

However here is the crunch stuff. Firslty I am suffering from clinical depression that is definite (well I kind of worked that out) but secondly they can't help me because the problem is my home life. Basically if she won't leave I have to - urgently. I don't know how to though - I pay everything here and that costs all my money. Also I do NOT want to walk out on my son, that would make me like my father and push me (in my mind anyway) further over the edge. So I need to work this through. I am considering going back to lawyers to see what my options are, but how do I, with practically no useful short term memory, deal with money grabbing sharks - i.e. lawyers. My last experience that way was not good at all.

So now I find myself in a place where no one can help me until I help myself. But what I have to do to help myself is just too bigger deal for me. I don't know how and I don't think I have the strength.

There is a temptation to pop some more little yellow pills (ran out of blue ones which are stronger) and make it all go away for a while. But I have the ordinary docs appointment later so I need to stay away from that stuff. This morning's doc recommends i go back on anti depressants - he suggests Sertraline http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sertraline which I don't like the sound of. Side effects include weight gain (I am already over 15 stone /210 pounds/ 95Kg), sexual dysfunction - yeah I need more of that NOT, and of course it has the usual SSRI withdrawal symptoms which are nasty. I need some honesty from my doc but really I also need a solution to my problems at home. I can cope with the depression if I am not continuously living in hell.

I will tell more later once I see the second doc (16.30 uk time)

Love as always
Alice