Failure

Today I feel I failed.

I took my son to Brighton. He wanted to go. We went by train cos it's bank holiday weekend and I didn't fancy drivign and getting stressed in traffic. But the train wasn't a popular decision.
All he had wanted to do was walk along the beach which suits me fine. But it was a hot day and before we even got to the beach he wanted to come back. Nothing I suggested made any difference. He didn't want to do anything. The only thing we did nice was bought him a tee shirt. We got there at 12 and by 3 we were on the train home. The thing is HE feels he let me down because he was disinterested due to the heat and I feel I let him down though I can't rationalise that.

So we came back. She was out. Eldest didn't know where. I slept having divested myself of the roasting hot long sleeved sweatshirt I was wearing to hide the cuts. I woke at 7 and she still wasn't back so I started (with low motivation) to cook. She bowled in at about 8.30 skipping and laughing,dumped loads of stuff in my way in the kitchen and stared disapprovingly at what I was doing. By this time I had demolished half a litre of beer, something which normally makes me feel mellow but on this occasion made me quite agressive. So I shouted at her, made some noises about her taking care of her family rather than sleeping around. We had my burnt offering of a dinner and she started shouting at the eldest. Feeling myself about to explode inside I went out and walked. And walked. And walked - I walked for an hour and a half - looking for somewhere to hide to cut myself. I found nowhere. But everywhere I went there seemed to be parties and laughter. That just made it worse. When I got back she was still shouting, I nearly screamed. So that's where I am now, I am in here typing this, she is now in the kitchen washing up resentfully. Slamming things around.


So I should tell you about last night. I did go to music practice, but I was very manic to begin with. I had tried (whilst the house was empty) to cheer myslef up with lots of lively music and dancing around. All that did was made me manic. My playing at church was pretty manic too. I wonder if they noticed. Then we all went back to the vicarage for a drink. I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. That's because last night I was sensible enough (unlike tonight) to realise it would mess with my head. I was quite subdued, but it was nice because J was there so I had someone to chat to. The guys in the band want me to go on the three peaks challenge next year. They think it will do me good. I'm not so sure. I know they are trying to include me but I feel kind of on the edge of that crowd, and also I am just not fit enough. I would probably keel over on the first slope.

The vicar gave me a real talking to afterward. He is really kind but also quite firm. He told me he had spoken to my "wife" she had told him it was all about her happiness and not anyone elses. He told her that was wrong. She told him I was a nice man and the only way to stop me being nice (which apparently she can't handle) is to be nasty. How does that figure? Doesn't make sense. Anyway I am nasty back. I call her all the whores in babylon under my breath. I never hated anyone really but this is as close as it gets. I keep thinking of that track "I hate you so much right now".
A