Up and Down

After a good day on wednesday yesterday was more of a struggle. My head felt steadily heavier as the day progressed. I went to see the doctor and struggled to rememeber everything I wanted to ask him. He was cross that the mental health team have not even contacted him following my visit there and he is trying to get me some more counselling. That might help a bit, but only getting rid of that damn woman I'm supposedly married to will really help.

Last night something weird happened. The eldest didn't come back from college, I don't know where he went. At 10.30 the doorbell rang and she answered it. I heard voices and I swear I heard her say "oh you are bleeding". I assumed it was the eldest but it wasn't. It was some of his mates. She wouldn't tell me what it was about and instead I got a whole tirade about how the divorce is just being "put into paperwork now" and that I would feel it in the pocket. It's nearly 6 months since she started saying that. I was so angry and had to bottle it up, which did nothing for my mental state. The whole game is to try to make me mad enough to hit her - but I don't do that sort of thing so it won't happen.

Today being friday was half day at work. I felt a bit ragged at work but muddled through (don't think I did much). Came home and loafed about. I had intended to work on some cover art for my CD but I ran out of steam and just sat around, then had a hot bath. Collected the youngest from school and went to town to buy him some stationary for his art homework. I thought I would be alright. The distraction of having him there, laughing and joking should have been enough. But the panic set in, everything got loud and echoey and I stepped out of myself - that weird disconnection thing - to the point when I felt like I didn't exist. I just HAD to get out of there. And I think I am going to drive to Dover tomorrow, I'm worried about that but I really want to see my friends so I will try.

Tonight is music practice, at least this week I ate something before taking a happy pill so I hopefully won't be as far out of it as I was last week.

A