The bitch is back

More's the pity. It looks like this was a business trip. Although her phone is full of calls to Frank AND Gab (who as far as I know is the previous bit on the side).

I haven't spoken to her yet. She is dancing around the house making whooping noises and generally acting stupid and I don't want to go anywhere near her.

Today I felt depressed all day. I spent the afternoon looking at the clinical side effects of valium. Why was I doing that? something inside me seems to be tempting me to start popping downers again. I have 20mg left - but she has a supply in her cupboard from the doc. I know that would be crazy but they look tempting. It also begs another question why does SHE have some anyway?

It is pissing down with rain and it appears to have gotten dark especially early. There goes today's walk - although I might still go - one of my night time 5 mile route marchs like I used to do. But what with the rain and her being here feel have no place to exist

I don't hate her you know - not real hatred. But I do have an absolutely bottomless anger towards her. Someone who is not wired like me could hurt someone with half that anger. But not me. I couldnt touch her. But myself - that's a different matter isn't it - I am fair game - I can hurt myself as much as I want.

The other question I am wrestling with is do I go back to the solicitor? I want it done and dusted, finished completely. But I know I will get stitched up. does it matter? I've been hurt every other way what difference will one more make.

Before wrote this I took a slice out of my arm again, it has stopped bleeding now. I don't understand why but actually feel proud of myself for doing it. Hey look at how strong I am I can take all this pain. Doesn't my arm look spectacular - I bet you couldn't imagine doing that! I toyed with the idea of posting a picture of it up here - just so you know I am for real - but that seems wrong somehow - I wouldn't want a child to see it.

I tried to record some music earlier. Creativity and inspiration are gone, as is technique and ability.

Oh and did send my update to the vicar last night. havent heard back. What I wrote was weird, a very watered down version of this - after all it wouldnt do to sound to pessimistic. I need to sound like I am trying.

The prostate started hurting again today. Kind of fitting - I have felt like I have been emotionally kicked in the balls for days, now I feel like I have been physically kicked there too.

I feel sorry for the people that love me. Mum, the boys, JN and JR, Paul etc etc. I know how it feels to watch a loved one crash and burn (remember Maureen, Katie etc) truth is it is that (and cowardice) that stops me ending it.

I wondered today why I type this stuff, no one know knows about it, and I know from the stats that no one reads it. Maybe, secretly, I want it to be discovered by someone (apart from her of course), maybe I need to be called to account for some of what I say and do. I tell you what though, I am more truthfull because I know that the Katies of this world aren't reading this.

Alice