friday update

Well we did do the music last night and it went quite well. I played Ian Oblivion but he was trying to make light of it - probably didn't wnat me to get too heavy.

Slept at 1 am and was woken at 4 in the middle of a weird dream about Katie. I dreamt we were together again and she kept hugging me. You don't need to be Freud to work that one out.

I am still in a strange altered state, kinda depressed, kinda out of it. I am becoming very self-analytical (bad sign) and feel sort of detached. I still hurt myself and no longer know why. It doesn't help anything but I just can't stop now. Am I crazy? probably. Iam accountable to my doc and my vicar about it but it doesn't seem to help. Not going to tell anyone else, wish hadn't tole them..

The prostate is cringingly painful today, and a nasty pain in the balls to boot (actually they feel like they have been booted) and everything else is aching in sympathy. I don't feel like doing anything, I just wish I could escape it. I am scared to have the op, does it even work? and it will stop everything from working permenantly - which no one seems to care about. The op is hte next stage on the NHS conveyer and if you don't follow the course they have mapped outfor you they just drop you like a hot potato.

So now we are at the beginning of a bank holiday weekend. I am dreading it. Her presence in the house makes the place totally unpleasant and the thought of being cooped up with her is not one I relish.

I have been toying with this fantasy of running. Just going off somewhere to hide. But where? I thought of just taking off in the car and sleeping in the back seat. Not tell anyone where I am. Let them miss me (if they notice). Not healthy thoughts and only cowardice (as usual) prevents me from doing it. But I just might. Maybe. Perhaps tonight.

Alice