After yesterdays successful music practice at church I thought I would be OK today. I was fine until 10 minutes before the service. Then I felt faint. My stomach was in knots and I felt so hot. I tried wandering out into the fresh air, opening some windows, it didn't help. I think my body is rebelling now.
I got through the service though, and my friends were kind to me, they listened to my story, offered me hope and comfort. This was kind, overwhelmingly so. I feel so loved there. Our vicar spoke to me afterwards too, he offered me a spare room should I need it, he prayed for me and was very kind and affirming. I feel more honest about accepting his words now the self harm secret is out.
I took up his suggestion, walked around the lake for an hour, tried to pray. It was hard. Distracting thoughts and sounds filled my head, but I managed to pray for a bit, and again felt loved.
But I am home now. I am downstairs, she is up. If I go up, she'll come down. Sometimes I go up and down again and again just to see her do the opposite. It's so childish. I am so childish - in every way.
The problem with the self harm is it quickly becomes a strong and dangerous addiction. I cut last night because it felt good (yes really it does) not because I was angry. And I went to sleep with an old towel wrapped around my arm to catch the blood.
I looked again at the docs appointment - it's not this wednesday, it's a week wednesday. How am I going to last that long. And it's work tomorrow too. Can I face going in, for that matter could I face not going in. I wish someone would come and manage my life for a bit. I'd like to hand over all responsibility and just be taken care of, looked after like a child - is that pathetic?
Thought? was it the cutting that made me feel faint this morning? I didn't bleed that much
A
I got through the service though, and my friends were kind to me, they listened to my story, offered me hope and comfort. This was kind, overwhelmingly so. I feel so loved there. Our vicar spoke to me afterwards too, he offered me a spare room should I need it, he prayed for me and was very kind and affirming. I feel more honest about accepting his words now the self harm secret is out.
I took up his suggestion, walked around the lake for an hour, tried to pray. It was hard. Distracting thoughts and sounds filled my head, but I managed to pray for a bit, and again felt loved.
But I am home now. I am downstairs, she is up. If I go up, she'll come down. Sometimes I go up and down again and again just to see her do the opposite. It's so childish. I am so childish - in every way.
The problem with the self harm is it quickly becomes a strong and dangerous addiction. I cut last night because it felt good (yes really it does) not because I was angry. And I went to sleep with an old towel wrapped around my arm to catch the blood.
I looked again at the docs appointment - it's not this wednesday, it's a week wednesday. How am I going to last that long. And it's work tomorrow too. Can I face going in, for that matter could I face not going in. I wish someone would come and manage my life for a bit. I'd like to hand over all responsibility and just be taken care of, looked after like a child - is that pathetic?
Thought? was it the cutting that made me feel faint this morning? I didn't bleed that much
A
No comments:
Post a Comment