Oh God please help

At 2 this morning I woke, full bladder. Again at 3. This time I couldnt wee, or rather I could but it was a struggle. I got more and more worked up until I had a panic attack. Sat rocking back and forth on the chair crying out to God for mercy and then just crying. I couldn't stop shaking, that weird obsessive shaking of the limbs thats half controlled half automatic. It turned into another dark night of the soul. I eventually crashed on the sofa.

Then, at ten I set out on my intrepid adventure to Dover. Ok that should be a routine kind of journey, but for me in this state it was tough. I nearly freaked though when I saw an accident on the motorway - a people carrier on its side, fire engines and police everywhre- it affected me a lot.

But I am so glad I went. Pete and his wife made me so welcome and, after a walk I had stopped shaking and was starting to be my normal self. They have both been where I am with abusive or unfaithful partners and are now happily married to each other. That gave me some hope. We walked the white cliffs of Dover to South Forland Lighthouse and back. I was VERY wobbly walking along the cliffs - kept thinking about how high it was and my comments about staying away from cliff edges a few weeks back. But the company was good and I felt at ease.

A spooky weird thing happened - at least I read it as spooky. On the way through Dover at 11.30 I noticed an old church. Don't know why I particularly noticed it but I did. Got to Petes, and at 12 his wife rushed in and said the church was burning. The whole of Dover was closed and the building was gutted. It was deconsecrated and converted into flats but it was so sad to see a beautiful old church building burn. Again I was deeply affected. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/7008265.stm

Well it's late and I am exhausted so I will stop there. More tomorrow my dears.
Alice