My name is Auntie Alice!
Ok I typed one sentence and already I lied. Because I am very much a bloke. So why auntie alice? well I have always been bisexual since I was anything and when came out to a friend recently she nicknamed me Auntie Alice and the name stuck. In fact I am rather fond of it.
So what else can I tell you? my job is software engineer but I would describe myself as a musician since that's what I love. And here's where things get untidy because I am a church musician and christian - which doesn't fit with the rest of me at all does it? So how does that work? Well I can't change my sexuality - even if I wanted to, but if I let go of my christianity I will feel I have lost hope. So thats how things are at the moment.
By the way I do like girls - its just i like guys too. I have been married for 14 years of which less than four have been happy, the rest of it consists of the woman telling me she is going to leave - but I must give her a cash in hand payment first. So why should do that because then when she has gone she will still claim 50% of everything. I don't trust her at all. Now all that wouldn't be SO bad but I also have to kids, my stepson is 19 and my son is 12. I won't leave them because boys need fathers (see I am not a complete rogue)
So how do I get by? Well I have a few friends on the side (yes you read it right - a few). So lets get into the gossip and I will tell you about them (names changed of course)
First there is Peter, probably my favourite. He is a submissive bi guy who is partial to a spanking and other naughty fun. He doesn't know my full name - that would be risky - his mum taught me at school!
Then there is John. John is nearly 60 and a fully gay man. He is very masculine and wears leather - he is very dominant and my meetings with him are sometimes a little scary and menacing. But then I like sailing close to the edge.
Finally there is Ian (if you have worked out my real identity by the way I just have to say - no not THAT Ian!) He calls himself a straight guy (yeah right!) but is not averse to playing with the odd guy (especially odd guys like me)
Those are my current male friends, though there have been others of course. My first encounter with a guy was 5 years back - in a public park in Woking - in broad daylight - and we nearly got busted!
Then there are the girls. Well actually the only girls see these days are professional dominatrices (no they are not prostitutes - there is no sex). The last real girl was Katie, an apparently holy girl who had some interesting tastes. She had been friends for years then came on to me on MSN - well if wasn't a rogue I would have resisted - but I am so I didn't. Katie ended up over my knee - or at least over a stool for a good spanking. Katie has gone though, she walked out of my life two years ago. I still miss her dreadfully, she was right to leave, I don't blame her but I still adore her. She will never come back so I just have to get on with life. And no we didn't sleep together. Oh and Katie was the friend who called me Alice.
Oh and yesterday I was nearly nearly busted - I met a very nice lady from church - whilst on my way to Gay Pride at Brighton. I am sure she worked out where I was going - seeings as I was completely surrounded by gorgeous gay boys (sadly only in the queue they weren't actually with me!) In fact the train journey was interesting - standing room only and a TOTAL crush I was pressed up against this gorgeous lad most of the journey. He was about 20 with dead straight black hair a few freckles, slim and fresh faced. Pride was fantastic, although I did have some problems (more later). There were some very nice guys and seeing the police leading the procession was strangly moving. When I found my sexuality many years ago Tom Robinson was singing about the police raiding gay pubs and beating the customers - now they are marching with us.
So how do I cope with this double life? The answer is I don't always. Three years ago I was clinically depressed, popping SSRIs and self harming. Yet since Katie went and I got off the antidepressants I am determined not to go back there. Now I am me for good or bad. The wife can't hurt me much as she tries.
Now I mentioned problems. I have a nasty problem called prostatitis which is very painful. It's caused by stones in the prostate and it gives me a lot of grief. Yesterdays walk around Pride set it off badly and I had to come home early . I'm supposed to have an op but I am a coward, I don't want people poking up inside me - and I don't want my future sex life messed up. Which the op will do. But then so will the problem - so I don't know what to do and it is stressing me out . ANd of course the condition is also triggered by stress.
Well I typed all this and didn't mention music -what an omission! I have played in bands, I play in church (believe it or not) and I have made several CDs. They are all instrumental and are influenced by my crazy life. I am surprised no one ever asks me about the titles - eg The Temptress, Concerto for Alice etc. All the titles have hidden messages and in some cases the tunes too - the Temptress is a very seductive piece and is not about a specific person but rather that little demon that lives inside you (or at least me) that tempts me to behave so badly.
Ok I typed one sentence and already I lied. Because I am very much a bloke. So why auntie alice? well I have always been bisexual since I was anything and when came out to a friend recently she nicknamed me Auntie Alice and the name stuck. In fact I am rather fond of it.
So what else can I tell you? my job is software engineer but I would describe myself as a musician since that's what I love. And here's where things get untidy because I am a church musician and christian - which doesn't fit with the rest of me at all does it? So how does that work? Well I can't change my sexuality - even if I wanted to, but if I let go of my christianity I will feel I have lost hope. So thats how things are at the moment.
By the way I do like girls - its just i like guys too. I have been married for 14 years of which less than four have been happy, the rest of it consists of the woman telling me she is going to leave - but I must give her a cash in hand payment first. So why should do that because then when she has gone she will still claim 50% of everything. I don't trust her at all. Now all that wouldn't be SO bad but I also have to kids, my stepson is 19 and my son is 12. I won't leave them because boys need fathers (see I am not a complete rogue)
So how do I get by? Well I have a few friends on the side (yes you read it right - a few). So lets get into the gossip and I will tell you about them (names changed of course)
First there is Peter, probably my favourite. He is a submissive bi guy who is partial to a spanking and other naughty fun. He doesn't know my full name - that would be risky - his mum taught me at school!
Then there is John. John is nearly 60 and a fully gay man. He is very masculine and wears leather - he is very dominant and my meetings with him are sometimes a little scary and menacing. But then I like sailing close to the edge.
Finally there is Ian (if you have worked out my real identity by the way I just have to say - no not THAT Ian!) He calls himself a straight guy (yeah right!) but is not averse to playing with the odd guy (especially odd guys like me)
Those are my current male friends, though there have been others of course. My first encounter with a guy was 5 years back - in a public park in Woking - in broad daylight - and we nearly got busted!
Then there are the girls. Well actually the only girls see these days are professional dominatrices (no they are not prostitutes - there is no sex). The last real girl was Katie, an apparently holy girl who had some interesting tastes. She had been friends for years then came on to me on MSN - well if wasn't a rogue I would have resisted - but I am so I didn't. Katie ended up over my knee - or at least over a stool for a good spanking. Katie has gone though, she walked out of my life two years ago. I still miss her dreadfully, she was right to leave, I don't blame her but I still adore her. She will never come back so I just have to get on with life. And no we didn't sleep together. Oh and Katie was the friend who called me Alice.
Oh and yesterday I was nearly nearly busted - I met a very nice lady from church - whilst on my way to Gay Pride at Brighton. I am sure she worked out where I was going - seeings as I was completely surrounded by gorgeous gay boys (sadly only in the queue they weren't actually with me!) In fact the train journey was interesting - standing room only and a TOTAL crush I was pressed up against this gorgeous lad most of the journey. He was about 20 with dead straight black hair a few freckles, slim and fresh faced. Pride was fantastic, although I did have some problems (more later). There were some very nice guys and seeing the police leading the procession was strangly moving. When I found my sexuality many years ago Tom Robinson was singing about the police raiding gay pubs and beating the customers - now they are marching with us.
So how do I cope with this double life? The answer is I don't always. Three years ago I was clinically depressed, popping SSRIs and self harming. Yet since Katie went and I got off the antidepressants I am determined not to go back there. Now I am me for good or bad. The wife can't hurt me much as she tries.
Now I mentioned problems. I have a nasty problem called prostatitis which is very painful. It's caused by stones in the prostate and it gives me a lot of grief. Yesterdays walk around Pride set it off badly and I had to come home early . I'm supposed to have an op but I am a coward, I don't want people poking up inside me - and I don't want my future sex life messed up. Which the op will do. But then so will the problem - so I don't know what to do and it is stressing me out . ANd of course the condition is also triggered by stress.
Well I typed all this and didn't mention music -what an omission! I have played in bands, I play in church (believe it or not) and I have made several CDs. They are all instrumental and are influenced by my crazy life. I am surprised no one ever asks me about the titles - eg The Temptress, Concerto for Alice etc. All the titles have hidden messages and in some cases the tunes too - the Temptress is a very seductive piece and is not about a specific person but rather that little demon that lives inside you (or at least me) that tempts me to behave so badly.
So I could tell you about some of the other loves in my life. Actually I only really loved three people although I did get obsessed with some others. So we can forget the obsessions and just cover the loves. The first was Paul. I loved him from aged 13 and eventually came out to him when I was 21. That was the most agonising time- I loved him so completely and he turned out to be straight. Yet he didn't abandon me and remains my dear friend to this day. We were best men at each other's weddings and we now pour out our hearts to each other about our respective failing marriage.
The second love was Maureen. I didn't know her very long, there was no sexual attraction, I just adored her. You see Maureen was very special. She was misunderstood, one of the beautiful people, far too beautiful for this world. And by beauty I am referring to the complete person not just the looks. Maureens heart was so wonderful, she had so much love (yet was so cynical about the word you couldnt use it in front of her). I tell you the important stuff first, but you should know she was also a heroin addict (and anything else she could get hold of). She accepted me instantly and we used to compare our preferences for guys. I owe her so much. In the few months I knew her she helped me grow up, and understand a different point of view. She also gave me my first hug in real love (excluding parents in childhood of course). I miss Maureen so much. She died six months after I met her and remember her funeral to this day.It was a full Catholic mass - she was Irish, and a total atheist but her family wanted the full works. I never cried - I was just too stunned.
And my last love of course was Katie. Another beautiful person - in every sense of the word, yet inside a sometimes troubled person. I still adore her but we never talk now, because her christianity is strong enough that she can't allow herself to be in love with a married man. I held her once only - it was as precious as that first hug from Maureen.
Well that's a lot of gossip for one session, tune in soon for the next juicy installment!
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