I cried today. Couldn't stop. First time that's happened in a while. Then I layed on the bed for what turned out to be an hour. Staring. I have to fight, mustn't give up, I can't fall into depression again.
So why? Well I am on holiday with my son, and today HE rejected me. I had planned a special treat. He loves history so I planned to take him to HMS Victory. For him not me. He said he didn't want to go last night and I think I let my disappointment show a bit. I went out to see a friend and as i left I heard his mother call him arrogant (he is a kind, gentle boy - he wouldn't know arrogance if it bit him).
So today he cheerfully said he would come, but a little questioning revealed he was only saying that because his mother told him to. Result - row with mother - or rather I tried to discuss it and she walked out.
I asked him again and he really didn't want to go so that was that. I don't want to force things on him so we won't be going. Then I went upstairs and sat on the bed. Then I cried, and cried, and cried. It was uncontrollable (what a wimp) . I had a proper pity party as Katie used to call it.
And that's when I really went for it, cos I remembered Katie and cried for her too. How the heck do I deal with feelings that won't go away. It's been more than a year since we spoke and two years since we were together. Clearly she wants nothing to do with me. but I adore her. Pathetic I know, but I don't know how to move on. And don't worry I never let it show in real life - but I have to tell someone - hence, dear reader I am telling you.
So what will do? Probably meet a guy -- that's what I normally do isnt it?
Oh and I nearly forgot, I found the wife's diary with entries from two years ago, sadly the date she really cottoned on something was going on between me and Katie was the date Katie dumped me - such sweet irony.
A
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