My normal self has just got back from 3 great days in Norfolk with the family. In times like these Aunty Alice hibernates and normal Paul comes out for a bit (well ok I didnt mean 'comes out' in that sense!) It was all great apart from a grumbling prostate that did its level best to spoil proceedings. In fact I woke up this morning at 6 in cringing pain feeling like crying because the options are progressively narrowing towards having surgery - which will curtail some of my daliances for a while.
On the way up to Norfolk I got a text from Ian (Lets call him Ian S to avoid confusion with happily married straight Ian). Anyway this text was inviting me for a beer at lunchtime. A beer actually means two guys watching porn, and getting down and dirty together - and probably no beer at all. I had to decline on account of being in Norfolk - but I don't know when I will be able to make good on the invite. Which brings me to a question I know you are all asking (well if anyone reads this appalling scanalous tripe). The question is - aren't I irresponsible? seeings as I have something wrong with me. Well no actually, cos (whilst Im not going into the sordid details here) I play safe - in fact totally outside the risk zone - even if I had something I could pass on (I don't) I would not be risking anyone or anything - so there - that's put that straight I hope.
So three days of normailty, being a family guy was nice - albeit with out a loving wife bothering to share the times with me - or more importantly our children.
Then I get home. To a total hate vibe. "Why the hell did you have to come home - why couldn't you stay away?" and that was just what she said to the boys. I had said or done nothing - she just went for me. Now all this makes me angry, and it's an anger that goes nowhere and has no outlet. I fight hard to control it, my vicar has urged me not to respond or start fights with her, I try to follow his wise words. But it is hard and the anger scares me - don't get me wrong I won't hurt her - but three years ago that's how I started self harming - and I don't want to go there again.
But nothing I have said yet is worthy of the WTF? subtitle. That was added because of an email I got. An email from Paul, whose marriage is also like mine holed below the waterline and sinking past. Straight Paul, the one who resisted my advances 25 years ago has just sent me a whole bunch of gay erotic photos - not actually porn but close. Now I hope that's just his sense of humour and that he is not crossing over - because I wouldnt want to get involved with him in that way now, I love him too much as a friend and I know I would lose him eventually if that happened - just like I lost Katie when we got involved. Anyway the piccies were dead hot!
Which brings me onto one more thing (why can't I move on from this?) I still love Katie. I adore her with all my heart. Yet she doesnt want to know me and never will. Going away an relaxing just gives me time to think about her. Now here's a thing. This year someone swept her off her feet and proposed to her. I got the text along with everyone else in our crowd) announcing her engagement. It cut through me like a knife. But I thought and I reasoned and worked out that she needed happiness - it wasn't going to me that gave it to her (bad choice of words sorry) and managed to find peace - I even sent her a text wishing her well. That was all fine - I got my head round it. Then the guy got sick. She rushed him to hospital and effectively saved his life. And he dumped her. Katie is a wonderful human being who has taken more than her fair share of hard knocks. he had his reasons and they are not my business (none of it is really) but that just tore me apart. How could anyone be so cruel? If he knew her at all he would have known how devestated she would be. It tore my heart out in ways I cannot reason or rationalise. Eventually I emailed her and she told me the story. I sent encouraging words and said basically if she wanted to stay in touch reply to the mail, otherwise I would understand she didn't want me involved in her life. She didn't reply. So there. Message received, understood, heart broken again, and once again I make a prat of myself over a girl. The last girl. Ever. Well the last girl I'll love anyway.
Luv
Auntie A
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