I did something today, and felt better for it. I took my son and his best friend for a good long walk on the Sussex Downs. it's times like this I realise that actually the best part of my life is being his dad. We were totally knackered when we got back having done nothing more than walk together. But it was special. I got a lot of thinking time too, while he and his friend were larking about 10 paces back. It struck me that I am actually quite self destructive, running around with guys, playing naughty games furtively. What good can it do me. Sooner or later my two lives will crash into each other and it will all be out in the open. It will destroy me. But more important what will it do to my son. And how will his older brother, my stepson, the most homophobic person I know, react?
It's amazing, my life seemed kind of cool up until now. Until I started writing it down. Now I see something I didn't see before. I am looking for something. Something important. And I am looking in the wrong places. The truth is all those encounters mean nothing. What I seek is that warmth, that love, someone holding me because they love me. And I have already told you when that happened last. So does that make me some kind of sad person. I don't know. Maybe. But I know what I need and it's not a fumble with a stranger. It's real love. And I don't know when I will ever find it
Oh and it just occured to me - I must be feeling a bit better today. Yesterday I struggled to walk the mile into town. Today I walked 5 miles with ease. It's not all bad.
Aunty
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