Friday.....

.. these days brings dread. A weekend. At home. It is daunting. How will I fill the time?

Today started out ok but went a bit downhill. I did ok this morning at work but went into town at 12. It happened AGAIN my head felt heavy I got very very confused and felt outside of myself. I struggled to do the simplest thing, buy a sympathy card for my mum's neighbour who lost his wife a few days back. Then I thought that I would face up to it and try to walk around the mall for a bit. Just as before everything got louder, blurred and echoey. Now I am worried. If this happens each time it will reinforce the feeling and turn it into a phobia. If I avoid going, well it becomes something I don't do because I am scared - ie a phobia. Neat huh? How do I work around that.

I still have a lot of pain which seems to get worse if I sit. If only I could take painkillers.

Now I have a challenge, which is not to cut all weekend. I put off my blood test till monday - and I want my arm to be nicely healed again. It's the latest I can have it cos I see the doc on thursday to have my head examined.

All for now
Auntie A

Pain!

Yesterday was characterised by extreme pain caused by the prostate. It reached an unbearable level and I can't take pain killers because of the happy pills. I had a struggle getting to sleep.

There was also a major row with the wife and stepson. She (who has this written down explicitly) denied he had two phone contracts - despite the fact he has two numbers two direct debit etc. She refused to understand what I was saying on purpose. She has overridden me and said he can go back to college, which means he won't be able to pay back his debts. Then she washed her hands of the problem and dumped it back on me.

I had a slightly better day at work though, although I still had some panic and depression it was a bit better, plus I achieved some stuff which puts me back on schedule which helped.

In the evening (after the row) I did some more work on 'Out of Body' and have made a test pressing of the whole album, I am lgoing to listen on the way to work today.

More later
Ally

Selfish person.....

.. that's me. I still have a picture of J with tears welling up in her eyes when told her about the valium. I texted her this morning and apologised. She wrote me a sweet kind text back saying how she was worrying about me, how she cared and how she wished wasn;t on the happy pills. She thanked me for being her friend. I nearly cried right there in the office. But I still know I am selfish, I have this vortex around me that messes me up but also hurts anyone who gets near.
Thing is today I did feel a bit better apart from lunch time when a visit to Tescos brought on another mild panic attack). When I say better I mean mentally better. Physically I am in agony. The prostate is really really hurting and I can't take any painkillers. I'll have a hot bath in a bit , that sometimes helps.

So today I resumed my walking round the lake regime. Earlier today because the nights are drawing in. Less people about too. I sat for 1/2 hour just thinking. Then went back to the car and cut. Not the worst I have done, yet it sent me off my head. I feel physically sick and mentally - well it's hard to explain - desolate? exhausted? alone?

How does this end?

I did a terrible terrible thing....

... I told J about the overdose. I have upset her. I wish I could take those words back, the poor girl was nearly in tears. She has been so kind to me but I shouldn't have told her that. Now she will lay awake and worry the way I do about other people when I know they are hurting. So the hurt goes around in circles.

So once again it's about me me me. I am angry with myself for being so insensitive.

And it's a shame because this evening went well, I feel a fraud actually because I was happy and joking with everyone, like none of this has happened. Then, we chatted afterwards and she weedled it out of me and I told her.

Please God forgive me for the hurt I have caused.

I'm still alive (yet again)

After yesterday's crisis I had a better day at work. At least I got stuff done cos I could think a bit clearer - in fact I worked at a manic pace. There is a lot of pressure and it will be worse tomorrow because the boss gets back from holiday.

Tonight i have a church house group social which I don't really feel like. But I am going because J will be there and she has nagged me to go. I feel safe around her so...

But I still feel a bit panicky, a bit paranoid. But the pressure is lower in my head than yesterday.
Apart from that I have a nasty pain which may be the prostate again. Such a shame, it has not grumbled for a while which has been nice/


More later
Ally

Another Crisis Day PS

Shortly after posting the last entry I collapse on the bed in a sort of sleepy haze which lasted 2 hours. Went downstairs found my cold congealed dinner (ugh) but ate it anyway. Sat down in front of the telly, head still pounding and bursting. She made some snide comment to the kids about how pathetic depression is - it was in response to something on TV but directed at me nonetheless.

The pressure inside built up until I felt I was going to explode. I really felt this time I could take my life. I left the house with pen and paper to write the note and a razor blade to slash my wrists. Drove around for a bit going ever more crazy in my head. After driving miles ended up parked just a few minutes from home. Someone parked up nearby so I picked up my mobile so it would look like I had stopped to take a call (like anyone cared anyway). My son's picture is the screensaver on my phone, I saw him smiling back at me. I couldn't do it. Not take my life. Probably couldn't have anyway actually but not after that. But I did cut myself badly again, very badly. It seems to ease the pressure, like the demons in my head are only appeased by blood. Now I have that weird tiredness again, and she has set up shop in the bedroom doing her work which means I can't go to bed.

Please don't worry about me, tomorrow I will seek help again

Another crisis day

In my head that is. I don't know how I got through today at work. It took me the whole day to do what should have taken an hour. I have such pressure in my head, I am so panicky and so very very tired. I spent the day mainly with my head in my hands or watching myself from outside myself. I don't know if I can bear anymore. I'd have gone home sick but what would I have said to people. I want to cut so badly but mustn't, I have to have a blood test this week and if I turn up with a slashed arm questions will be asked. As it is it looks as though I have permenant scars.

I am really worried about whether I can continue to do my job. I have such ridiculous deadlines and I am under a lot of pressure but I am only able to run at about one tenth speed. If I can think of an excuse I will take tomorrow off. But it is so hard. There are sick forms to complete and don't want this on my employment record. But I am scared will freak out badly at work.

I am sure some of this is the happy pills now, i seemed to ge worse once I started taking them.