Can this get any worse?

I didn't sleep early last night. Firstly I didn't want to go near her til she was sleeping, she was in a poisonous mood with all the stuff with our eldest. But secondly I wouldnt have slept anyway. So I went to bed at 1.30, waking at 6.30. Before sleeping put some antiseptic on my swollen arm and it has settled down - one good thing.

I felt tearful first thing though I didn't cry. I made the boy (he's actually 19 and should know better) get up and gave him his instructions for the day. Visit banks, jobcentre etc. Then I went to work.

In the morning I was in an odd mood. I discussed the whole debt thing with a colleague and felt OK in the morning. My mood was actually rather more elevated than seemed right given the circumstances. That lasted until after lunch. At lunch time he sent me a text saying the bank wouldnt see him which annoyed me. I started to feel worse in the afternoon, a headache and shivers began to set in - not a cold, this is either the happy pills or the depression itself - not sure anymore. I felt very very tearful and in fact for a second there were tears although I hid them. By 4.30 I just came home feeling wretched - absolutely depressed and ill. I have had enough, I barely have the strength to go on. I challenged him about the bank but apparently they have sold the debt on - not good. He was supposed to phone the debt collection people. He didn't. Now the wife wants to be involved in that phone call anyway. Given her total lack of caring or respect for me I guess I had better listen as well. I have been lied to enough.

So now I feel nearly as bad as I did last week, when descended on Ian and Sue. I have no strength and my judgement is shot, I nearly ran someone down tonight driving home.

I feel ill, desperate and alone. I know this sounds stupid but I could use a hug. This headache is killing me too. I wonder how much I more can take, just feel totally like giving up.

I tried today, really.....

... but today got the better of me.

I woke up. Felt good. Had a shower. Burst into tears - no reason. Bizarre.

Shook myself, picked myself up and dusted myself off then got ready for work.

I needed some information from her about her niece's date of birth for a form that HAD to be filled in. She exploded - give me money so I can leave here. So I stormed out of the house in a rage.

The office was quiet, two people away so I got my head down and did a lot of work. Then at about 11.30 Paul phoned. At work. That never happens. He is really p*ssed off for similar reasons to me. His marriage is breaking up & he has done everything to make sure his wife is set up in a nice home with no mortgage (more than I would have done) but she is still giving him a hard time and trying to get more money out of him. I learned for once that it's not all about me. I have to be there for him too. But it's difficult because she has got stroppy about me calling the house so we have limited means of communicating - hence the phone call. He is hoping to move out really soon - so I will go up and stay with him once he does. We try to cheer each other up (actually we are quite good at that when times are like this). But once I hung up the phone I was kind of shaky. I felt for him deeply, but it also reawakened my own feelings of despair. I spent a while with my head in my hands (hope no one noticed).

I came home, she was in (unusual). She announced immediately she was going out. I did the same. I went for my normal walk but I need to reconsider this walk. It was a route march around the lake. No stopping, real speed walking. Which is OK I guess in itself. It's good exercise. But the real reason was I couldnt wait to get back to the car. To cut. Only I did it bad this time. My left arm has swollen and may be infected. Which means I may end up in casualty tomorrow - then more psychological reports - then I'll probably get sectioned.

But it got worse. I mentioned my eldest (the stepson) had run up £1000 on his credit card. Well his mother got hold of the details and as soon as I walked in the problem was dumped on me to sort out. He actually as far as I can see owes £2000 in various overdrafts, card debts etc. He has moved his bank account for his salary but not his direct debits - a dodge to get at his salary without it paying the debts (he thinks I am stupid). Anyway to cut a long story short he is up to something because he is not as stupid as he likes to appear. So I checked his phone and now I wish I hadn't. No real messages from girls. But one from a boy who said he f**ked really well and one from another boy discussing moving in together into a studio appartment (which of course involves him raising money). Thing is if he IS gay that wouldnt be the end of the world for me - after all I can talk can't I! but his mother would kill him. This sounds awful but I wish he would move out. At least then that would allow me to sleep in a seperate bed to the wife which would be bliss.

Having had the discussions with him about his stupidity (whilst trying to hide my own, in the shape of my gashed left arm) I locked myself in the loo and sobbed again. However I am now angry with myself because I see a snapshot of me as I look from outside. Here's the picture:

It's all about me, I hate my wife for her adultery but I get off with other guys, I'm too weak to finish the relationship yet I keep taking it out on myself secretly hoping that by hurting myself I will get attention. Pathetic isn't it. All that makes me hate myself and that is pathetic too.

Anyway I am going to shower now, give this arm a good wash and hope it settles down. Tomorrow I will try to be better.

A

Am I really here?

A strange title I will explain in a moment.

I think I posted yesterday just after my walk in the park. Something that is becoming an obsession with me. I just have to get out.

As soon as I got back my mood was strange (I think - memory is poor). I had a hot relaxing bath, then cut myself again which hurt for once - not that I care, at least it proves I'm really here. Which gets me to the point of that title. My mood and mind state are now changing, I have moments of confusion, indecision over silly things and panic. Last night went with Ian to the townwide evening service which tends to be quite lively. There were many arms raised and shouts of hallelujah, something I am normally quite happy with and in fact join in if the fancy takes me. But last night I was scared because I know can get really hyper and euphoric in that situation and then I hit the ground hard afterwards. In fact though that didn't happen, instead I got this sense of not being there, as though I were watching on TV or through someone elses eyes. Very strange and unreal. By the end of the singing section of the service I had dug my finger nails painfully hard into my other hand, just trying to feel. I felt very detached and awkward as well trying to converse with others, I am sure they just thought I was being distant or 'offish' but I had genuine trouble interacting.

I do remember the talk at the service. It was on the story of Jesus meeting the woman at Jacob's Well and how he had seen the immorality in her life, but instead of judging her offered her the gift of eternal life. In otherwords the sermon was about grace and I needed to hear it though haven't fully assimilated why yet.

I just about rememeber coming home and I think I watched a prom on TV (or was that Saturday) then came to bed once the bedroom was in darkness (I don't want her to see the cuts - though I am sure she has).

I slept well, although with the strange sense that had had some scary dreams that I didn't remember. I woke early and felt panicky. Work day. Several times I sat alone feeling tearful, I also had a mild panic attack, just a bit of hyperventilating not too severe but annoying.

When I got to work though it was unreal. felt tearful inside but on the outside had to try to interact normally with colleagues. I am sure I messed up my work badly today. I couldn't concentrate, felt alternately restless and ridiculously tired and often had that detached out of body sensation. I was just glad I didn't have to go to any meetings.

At lunchtime, as well as my lunch I bought some more razor blades - so much for not cutting. I felt tearful as I bought them.

So now I am home. She's not back yet. Probably getting knocked up by Frank or Gab or whoever the current prat is she is screwing.I know she finishes work at four and she is never home before six, and Frank works in her office.

NOW to further add to my burdens my not very bright stepson has managed to run up a huge credit card bill (over £1000) whilst earning just a few pounds a week from his student job at McDonalds. Now of course that has been hidden from me though found it of course, in her handbag. Once again its a bailiff letter because he hasn't even made the minimum payments. Now I earn good money and could easily pay it, just as I had to with her stupid sister when she did the same. But this time I won't. I am only good for money here, nothing else so let him pay - or her if she is stupid enough. (I hadn't realised how angry I am about this till started typing).

So that's where things are at the moment. I will walk in a little while. And phone mum to see if she went to the doctors.

More later

Love

Ally

Panicky

I don't feel so good again now. I went to church which was OK ,though I felt a bit panicky dealing with people and was somewhat hyper. The ones I am close to would be shocked if they knew the full story, and I tried to look 'normal' for everyone else. Probably not what I should have done but it's a struggle.
It was a good service, the end of childrens holiday club and it was very lively and cheerful. So I settled down and I was OK. Until I left. As soon as I left the building I got panicky. I remember walking at great speed. I stuck being at home just long enough to have lunch and went out for a walk in the park. I'll be fit at this rate, especiallly walking at the ridiculous pace I walk at.

I spoke to mum on the phone whilst I was in the park, she is not well. Apparently if she lays down she loses her balance and can't get up again. She is also losing weight. I am worried about her.

So tonight I am going to the evening townwide service. I haven't been for ages and again feel panicky, but I will go, it might do some good.

It all seems surreal today

That is - everything that happened over the last week seems odd. Rather embaressing actually. You see I woke up feeling normal which I haven't done in a while, could it be the happy pills are working now? I didn't cut myself yesterday either, which is a bigger achievment than you might think. Of course actually remembering the last week is a bit iffy - I have to read back throught the blog because it's amazing how the mind dulls the memory of feelings, especially painful ones.

Still I am going to church today, I have a day off from playing keyboards so I am just going to sit and 'be'.

More later
Alice

Back from London....

...and I did have quite a good day.

I went to the Tate Modern and looked at the Dali Exhibition there. The more I see of his work the more I like him, but, as is often the case I fell for the picture everyone else walked past. A small picture of a man against a rock called Solitude. It touched me.

However the day was not without difficulty, the happy pills are giving me headaches and I struggled through much of the day with an aching head and neck as well as unbelievable tiredness. I was so determined to soak up the art though that I overcame it.

One of the good things the Tate do is commission musicians to play music inspired by a work of art of their choice. You can then listen to the music on headphones near the work of art concerned. I was taken with four extremely abstract pictures that represented the four seasons. A band called Union of Knives had made a track inspired by these pictures called Circular Breathing. I have to find it.

So now I am home, footsore and tired. The house is empty which is nice. And I feel a little more stable than I have done over the last few days. I hope it lasts.

Ally

Dawning of a new day

I nicked the title of this post from a song I like, but it seemed appropriate.

Last night I lay on the bed at about 8.30 having not managed to arrange an evening out. Next thing I was sobbing then next sleeping. At 11.30 I woke up got ready for bed properly and slept. But it was weird sleep and I had weird dreams. Also she kept snuggling up to me in the night - or did I dream that too. It was weird. Maybe she thought I was someone else.

My son doesn't want to come out with me today so I am going to London alone - the plan is to visit the Tate Modern. But I have a raging headache and the shakes so it's a bit scary. Also my self confidence has plumeted (oh heck I cant spell today). SO I will see how it goes. I can't take anything for the headache becasue of the happy pills so I just have to hope it passes.

more later
A